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I Hate Coffee, So I Tried To Become Addicted To It In One Week

So. Much. Caffeine.

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Hello, world. My name's Stephen, and I am not a coffee drinker.

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I also offended some of my coffee-addicted loved ones — including my dear friend, former roommate, and fellow BuzzFeed writer Sam.

It's me y'all

Sam drinks like 18 coffees a day. After four years of friendship with the guy, I know not to even LOOK at him until he's been properly caffeinated.

So Sam gave me a challenge: Drink a whole bunch of coffee for a week, and see if I can overcome my hatred of it. And, well, here's what happened:

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1) Drink two coffees a day, every day.

2) Try a variety of coffee drinks from different coffee shops.

3) Eat a coffee-flavored snack every day, too.

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The day started okay. I ordered coffee for the first time ever and felt very proud of myself!!!

If you've never done it before, ordering coffee is actually pretty confusing. I thought I'd go up to the counter and just say, "I'd like one coffee, please." But then you get there, and the menu is full of nonsense words like "macchiato" and "flat white" and "Starbucks."

After a brief moment of panic, I finally settled on a simple black, iced coffee — because it was the only thing on the menu I understood.

But then, all hell broke loose.

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It turns out I am pretty sensitive to the effects of caffeine.

I felt nauseous and sweaty. My heart was pounding. My anxiety was through the ROOF. You know that rush of adrenaline you get when you miss a step going down the stairs? I felt like that...for about eight hours straight.

People who saw me that day said I looked like I was on drugs. And I guess technically I was, ’cause caffeine IS a drug, y'all!

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I started to seriously question if I could handle a week of this.

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But Sam assured me that my body just needed time to adjust. So I shoved a coffee-flavored Pop-Tart in my mouth and prayed I would make it out of this challenge alive.

And the day was not without its victories: I enjoyed BOTH my drinks.

Stephen LaConte

I had a canned Starbucks espresso drink that tasted like chocolate milk. I was fine with it. Then I had a ~coconut sea salt~ cold brew from a fancy schmancy coffee shop called Rubies & Diamonds. This drink was even featured in Vogue. If it's good enough for Anna Wintour, it's good enough for me!!!

My "snack" of the day was coffee-flavored Werther's Originals. (Do Werther's Originals count as a snack, tho?)

Overall, I still felt pretty gross from the caffeine.

I could barely focus at work. I was jittery, scatterbrained, and way more stressed out than usual. Isn't the whole point of coffee that it makes you productive? I could barely function.

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At least I was done with Day 2. The worst was surely over.

Day 3 was the day I made a FATAL ERROR. I had my first drink in the morning (a regular hot black coffee, which was horrible), then my daily snack (a coffee-flavored yogurt, which was also horrible). AND THEN...

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And so, at 9:04 p.m., I drank a full cup of coffee. And I honestly thought I would never sleep again.

They say that the final stage of grief is acceptance. And by Day 4 of this challenge, I had finally accepted my fate.

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After a sleepless night, I desperately needed coffee in the morning to keep myself awake.

The irony, of course, is that coffee was preventing me from falling asleep in the first place. Coffee addiction is a vicious cycle!!!

I had my first "fun" coffee on Day 4. You know, one of those drinks that's basically a half-melted ice cream sundae in a cup? It was good, but...a lot of sugar.

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I felt like I was 13 years old drinking it, but maybe in a good way.

This was the first day I actually craved a cup of coffee.

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Okay, so this challenge happened during a crazy week for me. I had to take an overnight flight from California to Boston, and then I had a full day of work ahead of me.

After getting off the plane in the morning, I headed straight for Dunkin' Donuts — I was, after all, in New England. Who had I become???

It's funny, because I THOUGHT coffee was making me a normal, functioning human being that day. But watching back my vlog, I'm realizing I did look kinda...crazy.

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I've seen this exact same look in the eyes of SO many coffee addicts I've pitied over the years. I had become THAT coffee drinker I hated so much, without even realizing it.

Well, I guess this is the part of the post where I talk about poop.

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By Day 6 of this challenge, my friends and family had figured out what I was doing, and everyone wanted to know the same thing: Was I shitting my brains out?

And while I am usually too ~CLASSY~ to discuss such things publicly, I know a lot of you are probs wondering about it, too. So, let me just say: Nothing too weird in that department! However...

I HAD started to pee like crazy.

I was an endless flow of pee. All day, every day. Pee pee pee. It started to get ridiculous. If I was aimed in the right direction, I could have put out a small forest fire.

So yeah, Day 6 was basically just spent peeing.

And on the seventh day, he made coffee.

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It was the last day of the challenge, so I decided to attempt the impossible: figuring out how to use a coffee machine.

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Now, these machines have always been a total mystery to me. But after a brief struggle (and a panicked phone call to my mother) I actually figured it out.

Spoiler alert: Don't pour the water directly over the coffee grounds, or you're gonna have a bad time. There's a secret little tank in the back!!!

Seven days, 14 coffees, and many coffee-flavored snacks later, I was finally done.

And my answer is...sorry, but no.

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It's been a few weeks since the challenge ended, and I haven't had a single cup of coffee in that time. I'm glad I did the challenge, though! I honestly learned a lot.

Here are my five big takeaways:

1) Caffeine affects different people in different ways. Personally, it made me totally bonkers. I'm a pretty high-energy person without coffee, and caffeine just sent me over the edge. Maybe I should have tried decaf?

2) Coffee-flavored snacks are pretty good. Except for coffee yogurt, which should cease to exist immediately, thank you.

3) I actually liked the taste of coffee more than I thought I would. I had a few drinks I really liked, and that surprised me. Maybe saying "I hate coffee" was too broad. Coffee can be a bunch of different things!

4) Coffee is EXPENSIVE!!! I was lucky that BuzzFeed paid for my drinks this week, but, damn...those five-dollar lattes really add up.

5) At the end of the day, you like what you like. If you're a coffee addict, live your truth!!! I promise I still love you, even if I think you're a monster sometimes.

Anyway. If you wanna watch video evidence of the worst week of my life, here it is again:

View this video on YouTube

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Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go convince Sam to give up coffee for a week. Bye!

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