Attention, coffee drinkers: It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that your favorite drink is bad, and all of you are bad, too.
Now, don't get me wrong: I'm sure that many of you are good, upstanding citizens of the world. You are doctors, teachers, students, parents. You are important! But every morning, you drink a giant cup of steaming bean water. And for this reason, you are horrible.
I'll start with the obvious: Coffee does not taste good.
And before you start blabbering about ~ACQUIRED TASTE~, let me save you the time: Yes, the more you drink coffee, the less awful it seems. This is called Stockholm syndrome, and it is a bad defense of coffee.
The first time you ever tried coffee, you probably made a face like this. You should have trusted this face. This face was telling you the truth about coffee.
Case in point: When you buy coffee at a store, they literally have to give you cream and sugar for free, to help you not taste the coffee.
You can even pay your barista extra to pump some caramel or hazelnut into that shit, so you taste the coffee even less.
And then there are the people who drink their coffee black. These folks love to brag about drinking black coffee. Why? Because coffee tastes bad, so they feel like a badass drinking it straight.
Hot coffee? Bad. Iced coffee? Bad and cold. I WILL NOT BACK DOWN FROM THIS.
Coffee ice cream? Surprisingly good! Because it doesn't taste like coffee.
But honestly, my REAL problem is not with coffee itself. It's with the people that drink it. My problem is with you.
Because honestly, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU PEOPLE???
You can barely function in the mornings until you've had coffee. That is nuts!!!
This is what you look like in the mornings:
And you KNOW IT'S TRUE. You brag about it on your stupid mugs.
You arrive late to things because you "had to get a coffee."
And COFFEE IS EXPENSIVE. Those few bucks you spend every morning really add up. THINK ABOUT YOUR RETIREMENT.
You even made Lady Gaga degrade herself in the name of coffee. LADY FUCKING GAGA!!!
Caffeine is a drug. And you are all addicts.
But it doesn't have to be like this. You can stop. You just have to break the cycle.
YOU JUST HAVE TO PUT DOWN THE MUG.
It's not gonna be easy, but I believe in you.
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Isn't coffee bad???
vote votesYes, coffee is bad.
vote votesI wish I could say "no," but since you didn't make that an option in this poll, yes coffee is bad.