Hello, world. My name's Stephen LaConte, I'm a writer here at BuzzFeed, and my favorite thing in the world (besides my dog) is giving people advice.
So I've invited readers like you to message me on Instagram and Twitter (@StephenLC in both places) with your biggest problems — and I'm solving 'em right here on BuzzFeed, one DM at a time. Let's get right to it.
Today, we've got this woman, who recently stumbled upon sexually explicit footage of her sister-in-law on the internet, and wants to know whether she should give her a heads up about what she saw:
Yeah, I think you should tell your sister-in-law what you found. Maybe she consented to the videos being posted, but if your gut is telling you that her boyfriend is the kind of guy who would do this without her permission, it's worth a potentially awkward conversation to make sure she's not being violated here.
The way I see it, there are three possible scenarios going on with your sister-in-law right now, and having a (respectful, non-judgmental) conversation with her would be appropriate in any of them. So let's break this down.
Scenario #1: Perhaps your sister-in-law's consent is indeed being violated — either because she doesn't know these videos are public, or does know but isn't okay with it. If these PornHub postings are happening without her clear and enthusiastic consent, let her know that you've got her back, and you want to help her navigate a safe path forward. Together, you can help her leave the relationship, get the videos removed from PornHub, and consult with a lawyer to see if any further action can be taken against this man (or, at the very least, to see if she can secure child support payments from him going forward).
Next, we've got Scenario #2: Maybe your sister-in-law happily consented to these videos being posted online. In that case, cool! That's a relief! But you still might want to give her a heads up about how easy it was for you to stumble across them while searching for a TikTok of their kid. She might not realize that these videos can be traced back to her personal identity so easily, and for her own safety and privacy, she might want to change the username of the PornHub account and take her real name out of the titles. Better for you to bring this to her attention than, say, her boss. Or her kid. Or a creepy internet stalker.
And that brings us to Scenario #3: Maybe she fully consented to these videos being released and doesn't care if they can be traced back to her. And hey, that's 100% her choice to make! But if she has no expectation of anonymity in these videos, then she shouldn't object to you respectfully inquiring about them. I'd also hope that anyone who posts explicit videos to the internet would understand and value the importance of consent — and maybe even appreciate a gentle check-in to make sure theirs wasn't being violated.
So yes, any way you slice this one, I think a conversation with your SIL is fair game here. Hopefully, it will be nothing more than an awkward chat where she assures you everything is totally fine. But if things are not fine, that conversation will be a vital first step in getting her out of an abusive, violating relationship, and protecting her from future harm.
As for your concerns about shooting the messenger? I think you just need to make sure you approach this conversation with lots of empathy, caution, and care, and with zero judgment. Make it clear that you respect whatever choices she's made — you only want to ensure that they were indeed her choices, not her boyfriend's. Good luck.
