15 Roommate Horror Stories That'll Make You Want To Live Alone Forever
"I had a roommate who pooped in the hall and smeared it on our walls."
1. The tequila sunrise:
In college, my roommate hosted a tequila sunrise party where people started taking shots of tequila at the crack of dawn. I woke up and saw over 20 people in our apartment. There was a girl passed out in her own pee, and my roommate was cleaning up someone's puke on our carpet with bleach. Never again.
2. The cooch fruit:
My college randomly assigned me with a roommate. The day I moved in, she told me not to eat any fruit in the refrigerator, because it was her “cooch fruit” and it was only for her boyfriend to eat out of her vagina.
3. The sperm and pee bath:
I once lived with a girl who would bring guys home and have them pee all over her in the shower, which was in perfect earshot of my room. To add insult to injury, the *ahem* ~results~ of these sessions blocked our plug each time, so when I showered the next day the bath would slowly fill with miscellaneous bodily fluids.
4. The shitty roommate:
During my junior year of college, I had a roommate who pooped in the hallway and smeared it on the walls and our bathroom sink. The worst part? This happened more than once.
5. The wet dream:
It was freshman year of college and my roommate came home, wasted, and wet the bed. Unfortunately she had the top bunk, so I got wet that night.
6. The wild ride:
I went out of state and came home to a destroyed room. My roommates broke the outside lock to get in, threw up all over my bathroom, and left used condoms next to my bed. I tried to leave my room to confront them, but they broke the door handle. I banged for 30 minutes, but they didn’t come, so I called the police to get me out. The cops filed a report and wrote a letter that said I didn't have to be on the lease due to safety concerns. Months later I got a court summons. Then I got a call from the Judge Joe Brown show to film an episode (my old roommate called them). I refused, but I won my case in regular court, and my old roommates got evicted. Karma.
7. The dirty cheapskate:
I had a male roommate who liked to pee in the sink. I noticed the smell of urine in the sink every morning while I brushed my teeth. When I confronted him, he said it was because he didn’t want to split the cost of toilet paper, since he'd just give himself a quick rinse whenever he took a whiz. I told him that he still used toilet paper when he pooped, but he said “not necessarily.” That was when I knew I had to move out.
8. The jerking jerk:
I got home to my apartment one night and saw that my bedroom door was closed, which was odd. I opened the door and saw my roommate jerking off to porn in my bed. He wasn’t even fazed. He just walked out of my room like it was nothing.
9. The brown stain:
I came home from class one evening and my roommate said that she spilled a bunch of bleach on our carpet. “Don’t worry though,” she said, “I painted over it with brown paint. You can't even tell." I’m not kidding. She literally painted our carpet.
10. The golden shower:
One night during freshman year, I woke up to my roommate's screams. I looked over and saw our new suitemate standing on top of her, literally peeing on her! My roommate pushed her off and ran to tell security. The girl claims she had no memory of peeing on my roommate, but she was forced to move out anyway. She moved to another apartment in the building, and we heard a few weeks later that she did the same thing to her new roommate! This girl was a serial pee-on-people person!
11. The dirty water filter:
My roommate texted me and asked if we had a shovel. I told her that I didn’t think so, and I went about my day. When I came home, I saw my new Brita water filter covered in dirt by the sink. I asked what happened, and my roommate said that because she couldn’t find a shovel she used my water filter to dig a hole outside for her plants.
12. The drunken calamity:
My college roommate got so drunk that she pulled out a box of clothes from my closet and peed on them. She then tried lying about what happened and refused to clean them.
13. The moldy sheets:
My roommate managed to pee her bed while sober. She put the wet sheets in her laundry basket and left them there for weeks. The room smelled horrible, and the sheets started to mold.
14. The silent sleeper:
Years ago I had a roommate who sleepwalked while she was drunk. One night, she pulled my computer desk chair out into the middle of the room, peed in it, and then went back to bed.
15. And the diarrhea disaster:
Three weeks into living with my college roommate, she asked to have friends over to play beer pong. I agreed and then went to bed, as I had to get up early. I woke up and saw our furniture literally turned upside down. I got into the kitchen and saw an actual pile of shit in the dishwasher. I screamed, thinking we were robbed. I ran to my roommate and saw human poop smeared all over everything: footprints, handprints, and diarrhea piles, all leading to her room. The prints stopped at her bed, and she was covered in poop. She lied and said she left our door unlocked and saw a homeless man poop in our dishwasher. Worst roommate ever.