1. Your feminist girlfriend won’t shave her legs and that’s just unnatural. Natural things are always good, like arsenic and sharks.
2. Feminists get offended when you pull a chair out for them at dinner. Sadly this means you’ll have to eat every restaurant meal standing up.
3. Feminist girlfriends are always burning their bras, which is a fire hazard and could invalidate your home insurance. Better safe than sorry.
4. Feminists often wear trousers, so sharing a wardrobe with a feminist would be pretty confusing. How will you tell your clothes apart?
5. Your feminist girlfriend will love swearing. Imagine if she says the word “fuck” in front of your mother at the Christmas dinner table!
6. Sometimes feminists have jobs, so your feminist girlfriend will probably have to work on Christmas Day and miss dinner with your mother anyway.
7. You and your feminist girlfriend won’t ever be able to get in or out of doors. Because who’s supposed to go first? You’ll just have to stay inside, forever, and miss the next Star Wars premiere.
8. Feminist girlfriends have lots of cats – you’ll spend ages every day going round the house with a lint roller picking up cat hair, and forget inviting your mate Joe round, he’s deathly allergic.
9. How can you even get a feminist girlfriend in the first place if feminists are so opposed to catcalling? That’s the only reasonable way to meet someone in this day and age.
10. Feminists hate doing dishes. You obviously can’t do them so you’re going to end up swimming in last night’s lasagne until you simply have to move out.
11. Similarly, feminists don’t cook, and nor do men, obviously, so you’ll only ever be able to eat crisps, which will be pretty bad for your skin.
12. All feminists are secret lesbians so that’s going to make sex tricky for a man.
13. Feminists like to speak up in meetings. But then when would you get to speak? What if you have a lot of great ideas and the meeting is only an hour long?
14. Feminists love topless protests, which is frankly just asking to catch a cold. You would probably catch a cold off your feminist girlfriend. It’s just not worth the risk.
15. Feminists insist on splitting the bill, and doing maths in your head is hard. What’s £37.45 divided by two? The world will never know.
16. It’s well known that feminists hate the idea of marriage, so there goes your dream of a lovely church wedding. You would have looked so lovely in that tux.
17. Feminist girlfriends will drink all your beer.
18. Feminist girlfriends swing tampons around like lassos. Watch out!
19. Feminists play the drums, and you just don’t have the room for a drum kit in your one-bedroom apartment.
20. Feminists hate makeup, so how will you even be able to tell they’re women?
21. Your feminist girlfriend will refuse to buy pink razors so she’ll probably steal your ones, blunting them forever so you’re forced to grow an unruly beard.
Then you’ll probably get fired from your important money business job for looking scruffy.
22. Feminists are always dying their hair magenta – it’s going to stain your best white Egyptian cotton towels.
23. Feminists love free bleeding, which is also going to stain your best white Egyptian cotton towels.
24. Feminists have an uncontrollable urge to punch computers when they see a sexist Facebook comment, and computers are expensive.
25. Your feminist girlfriend will hate being bought flowers, so now your local florist is going to go out of business and you just shouldn’t do that to Linda, she’s a lovely woman and has been a beacon of the community for 35 years.
26. If your feminist girlfriend screams at a specific frequency, it will shatter all the wine glasses in your home, and feminist girlfriends love screaming. Those were nice wine glasses from your auntie.
27. Feminists hate manspreading, so will chain your legs together and throw away the key. Now how will you assert your dominance on your commute?
28. Feminist girlfriends are notoriously ugly, and you deserve nothing less than a Victoria’s Secret model.
29. Feminists don’t believe in having children, so you won’t be able to pass on your noble bloodline, disappointing the entire human race.
30. Feminists practice witchcraft. Do you really want to live under the same roof as a woman who could turn you into a frog for leaving the toilet seat up?
31. Feminists have boils all over their bodies – if one of those bursts in the middle of the night you’re just going to have to toss the nice white linen once and for all.
32. Feminists have a secret third arm that sprouts from their belly buttons whenever you say something that’s not PC in order to slap bad men, which is pretty scary.
33. Feminists attend coven meetings several times a month, and you have no idea how to look after your own children so you’ll have to keep hiring a babysitter. Imagine how expensive that will get.
34. There just isn’t the room to keep so many cauldrons in your kitchen cupboards.