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Posted on Dec. 29, 2015

13 Terrible Emails My Father Sent To Me In 2015

I don't remember giving you my email address, Father.

The best thing, I think, about having a family is when they are very, very far away. My parents live on the other side of the country from me, but they are in touch with me at all times in almost every possible way.



My dad sends me an email at least once a week, and they are always completely unhinged, and totally unnecessary, and exhausting. He's great! I love him a lot! He's much person.

Here are some of his most inexplicable and yet endearing emails from this year.

1. A totally normal response to your youngest child asking you for a minor favour.

My dad retired around five years ago and every so often, he tells me or my brother that he would like us to give him some money.

2. In reference to my mother who, to be clear, is still his wife, somehow.

This was after she had given me the silent treatment for seven days over an infraction I can't remember anymore.

3. This is his explanation for telling me to pack a towel for our trip to India.

Traveling is always somewhat dangerous but I had no idea I also need to watch out for "multizillioniars" and that bringing a towel will protect me.

4. Literally a nightmare I keep having.

My dad had a Blogspot for a few very short months, and in the first three posts he tackled communism, racism, and made some questionable comments about Indian people, which is a community he is a part of. I stopped reminding him what his password was after that.

5. All I did was get a new job.

He sent me this when I left my old job earlier this year. Who is the "great unwashed" in this scenario, you ask? No one knows. The entire family is too afraid to ask.

6. Is this a threat?

I think I am the hoy ploy in this situation but again, seems hardly worth asking.

7. This is absolutely a threat.

When I was a freelance writer, my dad would ask me how much I was paid per piece and then would inadvertently forward that information to his cousins in India who would also email me asking for additional information.

8. Here he is explaining why he likes it when people buy me lunch.

"ok omg"

9. Here is his reply to me saying I got a salad for lunch.

I am 60% sure this was a Seinfeld reference but something about getting an email from your father with the word "BIG" in it just feels untoward.

10. Nice of you to check in.

I did not barf again! He is like magic sometimes.

11. You lunatic.

I tried to explain that this isn't a full sentence but

12. Is this your idea of a compliment?

Papa, this is a bad compliment, please get better at this.

13. Call your dad.

Or, at the very least, please call mine.

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