1.
friend: how are things? me: things are good! narrator: things were not good
2.
when someone enters the Google Doc with me
3.
Mrs. Puff when she sees SpongeBob on the attendance list
4.
"You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it
5.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn't say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
6.
“What’s the worst part about this week so far?”
7.
I'm remembering the fact that Shaquille O'Neal thinks Irish people talk like pirates https://t.co/44U05SDHkX
8.
me walking to my parents room at 2am telling them i threw up
9.
When you die and go to open the door to Heaven but the handle is hot.
10.
Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Candles $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
11.
oh my god
12.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
13.
welcome to the bathroom
14.
"your order has been shipped" me:
15.
Uber driver: "I'm close, where are you?" Me: "oh I see you" Uber Driver: "Are you the guy in the middle of the road?" Me: "yeah floor it"
16.
When you check bae's phone and he texting a bitch named "Ariel."
17.
When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bitch you look desperate.
18.
A visual representation of a “per my last email” email
19.
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
20.
I emailed my professor and meant to say “I am worried I don’t understand some material on our next test” BUT I ACCIDENTALLY SENT THIS HELPME
21.
WHAT IF YOU GOT THIS FOR UR MAN WITHOUT LOOKING INSIDE FIRST
22.
If Chucky the doll tried to attack me I would simply kick him away
23.
when you walk into your grindr hook-up's apartment and wonder for a minute if this is where you'll die
24.
at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with 'lol this isnt a pharmacy'. bitch thats a prescription were both stupid
25.
When a witch says your tongue has to float in the middle of your mouth without touching anything or you'll die.
26.
"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"
27.
