The Type Of Porn GOP Candidates Would Make According To Dan Savage

Lucky for Trump, forced haircuts are a kink.

Dan Savage's preeminent porn film festival, HUMP!, is currently accepting submissions. So we asked Dan one simple question: If each of the GOP presidential candidates submitted to HUMP!, what type of porn would they submit?

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Donald Trump would submit forced haircut BDSM porn:

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“There is a kink in gay BDSM fetish-land around forced haircuts. They get their head shaved, or they get a buzzcut against their will. I think Donald Trump starring in a forced haircut BDSM porn would be a delight to this whole nation. We’d all enjoy watching that thing get buzzed off his head.”

Rick Perry would offer up some kinky cadet-play porn:

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“Rick Perry could jump in a time machine and make porn back when he was a cadet. Have you seen the pictures of him back in his uniform in his 20s? I’d watch the shit out of that.”

Carly Fiorina would engage in botox porn:

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“Carly Fiorina’s porn would be botox porn. Every time I watch her, I think, that’s a lot of botox. Botox and bile: that’s the market she has cornered politically. I wonder how you can make a porn video that’s all bile and botox.”

Lindsey Graham would film himself peeing:

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"A couple years ago, there was a film called 'Go Ahead and Pee.' It was just normal, average-looking woman jumping on a trampoline with a leotard, saying 'go ahead, pee.' Eventually, she’s jumping on the trampoline, and you begin to see that she is urinating. She’s peeing herself. Her leotard is changing color as she pees down her own legs. That was the video. That’s all that happened.... Lindsey Graham would recreate shot for shot 'Go Ahead and Pee.' There’s just something about Lindsey Graham that screams jumping on a trampoline with a leotard, peeing down his leg."

Rick Santorum would film a porn dirtier and more twisted than any other:

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“I don’t think I could sit through what Rick Santorum would put into Hump. I don’t want to know what’s going on in the dark recesses of his brain. Usually people who are so angry about what other people are doing sexually have desires of their own that are terrifying and that’s the reason they’re so invested in controlling other people. They’re desperately trying to control themselves.”

Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz and the rest:

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“Boil them all up and put them in a pile. It will be equal parts porn and appetite suppression.”

The Best of HUMP! is touring around North America until mid-October, so buy your tickets here!