1. So, OK, first things first. There are ELEVEN CANDIDATES in this debate. This looks like Mortal Kombat.
2. And they each get to speak for 17 minutes. This is going to take a loooong time.
3. One of these guys didn't even bother taking his coat off.
4. What's he hiding under there? Is it some kind of weird intimidation tactic? I think it's working.
5. Me on LinkedIn vs me on Twitter.
6. You'll never guess which one of those guys up there hates capitalism...
7. According to Wikipedia, the woman with the glasses wants to overthrow capitalism. Every time she’s on, she is SCREAMING. I love her.
8. I love the dude who showed up in just a T-shirt. He looks like the guy you’d have a marvelous weekend affair with in the south of France
9. He always looks like he's trying to get you to try his homemade wine.
10. Anyone who turns up to a presidential debate in a T-shirt is all right by me. To me, he looks like a former member of a New Romantic pop group who now lives by the coast and sells artisan crafts.
11. François Fillon looks like the evil businessman in a movie about a dog that can skateboard.
12. "If it wasn't for that boy and his dog, we'd be able to finally get rid of that meddlesome skatepark and build our condos." –François Fillon, probably.
13. There's something about this haircut...
14. Wait, is coat guy the hologram guy? I heard there was a candidate who turned himself into a hologram and made a video game about wealth redistribution. I love French politics.
15. I don't know what the dude in the coat is yelling about, but it looks like it's amazing...
18. Oh, Marine Le Pen is arguing against a "brutal exit" from the EU. It says something that her position on that is less extreme than Theresa May's.
16. Don't you hate it when you turn up to watch a presidential debate and your doppelgänger...
17. ...is sat there right next to you?
19. I love the word "Frexit." Would make a satisfying swear word. Like, you step on an upturned plug: "Ah, Frexit."
20. The last few minutes have just been old people ranting about the EU. I get enough of that from British politics. Just don't have a referendum, France. Take it from a Brit. You don't want to go there.
21. Me realising we're two hours into this debate and we're barely halfway done.
23. Is it wrong to have a crush on Emmanuel Macron? He's so hot when he's angry.
22. OK, this has actually been bothering me all night.
24. I don't understand how this works. Do the ones who hit 17 minutes first just have to sit there in silence while the rest finish? Do they fall into the floor through a trapdoor or...?
25. Oh my god, I just figured who T-shirt dude looks like!
26. Oh wait, no.
27. I can't work out if they're talking incredibly quickly because of the time limit, or if that's the way French people speak.
28. DRINKING GAME. Down a shot every time this guy takes his glasses off and then immediately puts them back on again for no reason.
29. Did Le Pen just say France is a "jihadi university"? Pretty sure that's not true.
30. French people pronounce it "The Bonk of America." Heh heh. Bonk.
31. Getting some real Principal Skinner vibes from Fillon...
32. I love how T-shirt guy keeps turning round to talk to people in the audience. Does that count towards his 17 minutes? OMG and I've just noticed he's wearing jeans. He's amazing. You'd never get someone like that rising to this level of British politics.
33. Just me, or...?
34. IT'S TAKEN THREE HOURS FOR ALL OF THEM TO SPEAK FOR ONLY 12 MINUTES EACH. HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?
35. That Lassalle guy appears to be an actual giant and he makes me happy because it looks like he's having a great time.
36. *Giant bellowing voice* B O N J O U R M E S A M I S !
37. Oh, wait, it's over, OK. Uh, so, who won?