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23 Lies You Tell Yourself To Feel Like A Grown-Up

"Definitely starting my diet tomorrow."

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1. "I'm going to wake up early and get a head start on my day."

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What You Mean: I will incorporate the sound of my alarm clock into my dreams and hit snooze 30 times before being late for work.

2. "I'm definitely going to the gym after work."

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What You Mean: OMG, literally 50 unexpected errands just came up that are all non-urgent but I absolutely should do immediately. Too bad about the gym, huh.

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5. "I'm going to start writing down all my expenses and spending less money."

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What You Mean: I'm going to keep track of the money I spend on rent and toilet paper and conveniently forget my reckless, expanding party budget.

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9. "OK, but this time I'm serious. I'm NEVER texting her/him again."

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What You Mean: I will most certainly, definitely, assuredly text her/him again. Then I will delete the evidence. TOO BAD YOU CAN'T DELETE SHAME AND REGRET.

12. "OK, but seriously, it's time to catch up on the classics. Jane Austen, here I come!"

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What You Mean: Just realized I could sound just as smart by just watching the movies. Colin Firth, here I come!

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13. "I'm going to clean my apartment right after work today, it's getting kinda gross."

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What You Mean: I'm going to push a couple of hairballs around and take out that pizza box... Then I'm going to get distracted by literally anything.

14. "I'm going to start dressing more chic and professionally."

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What You Mean: I will dress professionally during the one week every month when I need to do laundry and all I have left are dress shirts.

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