23 Lies You Tell Yourself To Feel Like A Grown-Up

“Definitely starting my diet tomorrow.”

1. “I’m going to wake up early and get a head start on my day.”

What You Mean: I will incorporate the sound of my alarm clock into my dreams and hit snooze 30 times before being late for work.

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2. “I’m definitely going to the gym after work.”

What You Mean: OMG, literally 50 unexpected errands just came up that are all non-urgent but I absolutely should do immediately. Too bad about the gym, huh.

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3. “Just a couple of drinks. I need an early night tonight.”

What You Mean: Come back in four hours to watch me sing “Closing Time” with this bartender, my new best friend.

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4. “OK, definitely starting my diet tomorrow.”

What You Mean: Yes, my diet of Cheeto dust and quadruple-stuffed Oreos.


5. “I’m going to start writing down all my expenses and spending less money.”

What You Mean: I’m going to keep track of the money I spend on rent and toilet paper and conveniently forget my reckless, expanding party budget.

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6. “I’m gonna stay home and catch up on sleep this weekend.”

What You Mean: I’m going to give into FOMO, say yes to every social gathering I’m invited to, be hungover on Monday, and hate myself.

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7. “I’m going to read more important books.”

What You Mean: I’m going to read Twilight.

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8. “Of course I’m TOTALLY over him!”

What You Mean: If you were to wander into my bedroom at 4 a.m., you would find me on his Facebook profile…in a photo album from December 2009.


9. “OK, but this time I’m serious. I’m NEVER texting her/him again.”

What You Mean: I will most certainly, definitely, assuredly text her/him again. Then I will delete the evidence. TOO BAD YOU CAN’T DELETE SHAME AND REGRET.

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10. “I’m going to do more cultural things. Museums, concerts, walking tours, that kinda thing.”

What You Mean: In the next month, I will watch 30 movies starring Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum.

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11. “I’m definitely going to start reading more books.”

What You Mean: Between Netflix, Hulu Plus, and HBO Go, I don’t have any money left for a library subscription. Sorry.

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12. “OK, but seriously, it’s time to catch up on the classics. Jane Austen, here I come!”

What You Mean: Just realized I could sound just as smart by just watching the movies. Colin Firth, here I come!

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13. “I’m going to clean my apartment right after work today, it’s getting kinda gross.”

What You Mean: I’m going to push a couple of hairballs around and take out that pizza box… Then I’m going to get distracted by literally anything.

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14. “I’m going to start dressing more chic and professionally.”

What You Mean: I will dress professionally during the one week every month when I need to do laundry and all I have left are dress shirts.

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15. “I’m going to take fewer naps and do more work.”

What You Mean: Zzzzzzzzz.

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16. “Just one more episode.”

What You Mean: At some point in the next seven hours, I will fall asleep with my laptop on my face, and I will hate myself in the morning.

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17. “We should definitely get drinks soon!”

What You Mean: Please don’t actually try to get drinks with me. Saying “we should get drinks” is the maximum social interaction I want with you.

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18. “Of course we’ll stay in touch when you move!”

What You Mean: Sorry I missed our Skype date… I got totally caught up being the flakiest person on Earth.

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19. “Online dating really can’t be that bad.”

What You Mean: If I have to see one more unsolicited dick pic, I’m going to burn all my electronic goods and move to the North Pole.

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20. “I should diversify my music taste… Start looking for some cool new indie bands and stuff.”

What You Mean: What was that? Sorry, couldn’t hear you over the sound of my NSYNC sing-along.

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21. “I’m going to start staying on top of the news.”

What You Mean: Oh, hello there, Facebook. So we meet again.

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22. “I’m going to master a foreign language.”

What You Mean: I’m going to learn how to curse and order food in a foreign language.

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23. “I’m going to procrastinate less and work more.”

What You Mean: One more BuzzFeed list couldn’t hurt…

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