1. "I'm going to wake up early and get a head start on my day."
2. "I'm definitely going to the gym after work."
3. "Just a couple of drinks. I need an early night tonight."
4. "OK, definitely starting my diet tomorrow."
What You Mean: Yes, my diet of Cheeto dust and quadruple-stuffed Oreos.
5. "I'm going to start writing down all my expenses and spending less money."
6. "I'm gonna stay home and catch up on sleep this weekend."
7. "I'm going to read more important books."
8. "Of course I'm TOTALLY over him!"
What You Mean: If you were to wander into my bedroom at 4 a.m., you would find me on his Facebook profile...in a photo album from December 2009.