Whether you're in a relationship or not, you may be curious about how often couples have sex.
But even though curiosity is totally OK and normal, it doesn't mean you should compare your sex life to others, because, frankly, what works for you and your partner(s) might not work for others — and vice versa. It's worth reiterating that here are so many different kinds of kinks, frequencies of sex, and sexual interests.
However, having open discussions and removing any feelings of shame or embarrassment about sex can give everyone more insight into what they want (and don't want) when it comes to their sex lives.
I've already written one previous post about how often couples have sex — and hundreds of people from the BuzzFeed Community chimed in wanting to share their own experiences. More of their stories are below.
1. "My boyfriend and I have only been together about two years, and we have sex probably three to five times a week. I’m four months pregnant right now, and my sex drive is very high, but my fatigue is just as high — so the times we don’t have sex are usually because I’ve already fallen asleep, and I am too out of it to be woken up. I’m nervous about how it’s going to change when our baby girl gets here and what that’s going to look like for us."
2. "I've been in a happy relationship for 12 years now. Our life is good, even though I'm sometimes too stressed from work, or there are some minor health issues. We are both caring, loving, and enjoy spending as much time as we can together, sharing our hobbies and interests. Yes, it changed from the 'multiple times a day' sex. Now it's maybe once or twice a week. But we communicate, experiment, share kinks (BDSM), and can't get enough of each other."
3. "My husband and I haven’t had sex in something like two years, maybe? Or is it a year? I don’t even know. We used to have sex every day. It’s just a few years ago he betrayed me by cheating on me emotionally — and things got weird with trust after that. Then I decided I felt too weird having sex. Also, he has certain quirks, demands, and anxiety during sex that I used to tolerate, but after that episode of betrayal, I just suddenly couldn’t deal with it anymore. I don’t ever feel like having sex anymore — and I don’t know if he does either."
4. "My husband and I are asexual, so never."
5. "My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for eight, and we have more sex now than we did when we were younger. We were both such nerds and awkward prudes (even with each other) that school came first, and the sex was really fun — but it’s like we didn’t trust each other enough yet. It started to get reeallllly good around year six. I got more open about what I wanted. He had finished up his engineering degree and didn’t have homework anymore. And now that we have two little kids, the sex is even better, more frequent, and we are even more in love with each other."
"We’ve really grown up. We both went through childhood traumas that trained us to hide. From rejection, from feeling unworthy or stupid, and because hiding was more comfortable.
Because of everything we’ve been through AND therapy, we’ve come out of our hidden holes, and the more we see each other, the more we like each other."
6. "I’m married with kids, but we only had sex a few times (single digit) in the past decade. We still haven’t done the deed this year."
7. "I have endometriosis, and my husband is working through some past sexual trauma that he uncovered in therapy — so we maybe have sex around once a month or so. However, that doesn’t mean that we aren’t intimate in other ways. We have very open communication, cuddle all the time, always tell each other how much we love each other, and are a very happy and healthy couple. However, we just don’t engage in actual physical sex as often as many."
8. "When my boyfriend and I first started dating, we were having sex at least twice a day, if not more. He has severe depression and anxiety, and when he went back on his meds, his drive went way, way down. We have sex maybe once a month now, and he hasn’t been able to finish in a long time. It sucks because I want sex more often, and I know it’s not my fault he can’t finish, but it’s hard not to take it personally."
"We also both live with our parents due to COVID, so finding privacy is tough. We’re both very physically attracted to each other, but between our work schedules, his mental health, and privacy issues, it’s really hard. Depression is a bitch."
9. "My husband and I have been married 26 years and are both in our 60s. Our sex life has never been better. We have a scheduled date night every Saturday, and I always orgasm. I recently lost weight and discovered that I can vaginally orgasm if I am on top of him. Having my first vaginal orgasm at 68? Not too shabby."
10. "Lately, my husband and I have been having sex about once a month or so. We're both so busy and tired all the time that it's often hard to find the energy. He also already struggles with [erectile dysfunction] and is now on blood pressure medication, so there has to be forethought so he can take his meds. We do masturbate together about once a week, so we do sexual stuff, but having penetrative sex isn't as often as it used to be. We've talked about this and both agree we want to have a more consistent and frequent sex life, as we both love having sex with each other and love each other very much. We are very physically affectionate (i.e., kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc.)."
"I think being honest with your partner about your sexual wants and needs is really important, while still understanding that life sometimes gets in the way.
There are so many factors that can impact sex, and being understanding and communicative can help ensure that both partners feel heard, valued, and satisfied."
11. "My husband is the love of my life. We've been together for seven years and married for three. We have sex maybe two to three times a month, and that's because we're trying to get pregnant. Otherwise, I don't think we would bother. Neither one of us has that big of an interest in sex. We enjoy it together, but it's definitely never been a building block of our marriage. We're both on the autism spectrum, which can make constant touch difficult for us, and I'm ace with a history of [sexual abuse], which makes me inherently fearful of sex. But when I'm with him, I feel safe. I feel no pressure or expectation. It's just the two of us. It's why I love him."
12. "My husband and I have been together for 16 years. Through those years, our sex life changed due to our lives, his work schedule, and kids. Sometimes it was a lot of sex and sometimes weeks with no sex. We always made sure that through all of it, we talked about it. If we weren’t having sex, why aren’t we? And are we OK? And let’s chat about it. We are now having more sex than ever and experimenting and being kinkier than ever. Our sex life has become so beautiful and wonderful, and our marriage is happier and stronger than ever, too."
"What I’ve learned is it’s never always going to be the same. But as long as you are talking about it, it’s OK.
I went through depression and major surgery at one point. Also, one time, my husband was on medication, so his sex drive was next to nothing, but we just always talked about it — so neither of us felt undesired or like something was wrong."
13. "My husband and I were pretty in sync and in a routine. We were both happy with usually having sex one to two times a week — but these past few months have been hard. I had pretty major surgery back in January, which meant we couldn’t be intimate for about six weeks. And then, just when we were able to start again, he got COVID while away for what was supposed to just be a weekend, and because we hadn’t seen him during the infectious period, we ended up having to make the decision for him to spend the next two weeks isolating away from me and the kids so we weren’t exposed and our work/school wouldn’t be interrupted. It’s been really hard for us to pick up that intimacy again since."
"I feel like he is coming to me less for sex, but then maybe, I’m just not picking up on his cues or I’m giving off the sense that I wouldn’t be receptive because I’m in my head about it?"
14. "My partner and I have sex daily for a week or so, then it kinda dips, and we might not have sex for two weeks. It’s dependent a lot on how each of us is feeling with work (and we both have diagnosed mental health issues that can play a part). We both have high sex drives, but often they don’t line up — and we respect that in each other and enjoy when they do line up. We’ve always been very supportive of each other masturbating if one of us isn’t into sex but the other is."
"I think it’s also important to note that there have been periods in our relationship where we have had frequent sex but had almost no intimacy. We worked hard to focus on intimacy by bringing back a lot of non-sexual touches, and it really strengthened our relationship."
15. "We’ve known each other for 29 years. We married, divorced, and remarried each other. Sex has never been the issue; we had sex with each other even when we were divorced for a short time. The average is around four to five times a week. But we keep it fresh. It’s not always penetrative sex — it’s intimacy, masturbation, things like that. Our children are all adults, the youngest is 18, and he is still at home. That affects how quiet we need to be (except when he’s away for a night); then we really go at it."
16. "We haven’t had sex in months. Both of us are EXHAUSTED, and it hasn’t been a priority for quite a while — which is a shame. The physical aspects of a relationship are definitely a part of a couple’s connection. We feel more like good friends now, which isn’t awful, but it’s not quite 'the thing.' I’m hoping this ship will righten. Maybe when our kids move out. ;)"
17. "I’m a very loving affectionate person by nature in relationships, and my partner is not at ALL. I feel deprived very often and communicate this to him, but he doesn’t want to budge. However, we are very much into a kinky lifestyle, and when we have sex, it's an intense (and usually long) ordeal, which is exhausting both physically and mentally. I enjoy our sex immensely as does he, but we only make this twice a month or so, which works for us. I’d rather have two times a month of intense pleasure and intimate connection with him than basic stuff — like quickies, etc. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that; it’s just not for me.)"
18. "When my boyfriend and I just got together, we only saw each other on weekends and did it three times during a three-day visit. Now that we live together for a while, we usually do it once a week or less when we're not in the mood."
19. "My husband and I have been together for six years. At the very beginning, we did the deed for hours at a time, with something like 5-minute breaks in between (long enough to smoke a cigarette). We’ve been through a lot together and have broken up a few times. We almost did end it completely, not too long ago. I feel like because of that, our sex life has been badly impacted. I have a very high sex drive and have had anywhere from 35–40 partners. He’s only been with me and maybe 7 or 8 others. We went from doing it every single day, multiple times a day, over the years to only having sex every six months or so. We do oral sex on each other probably four times a week or so, but he hates bottoming."
20. "Sex is really important to both of us. We went through a period where we were both taking meds and had low libidos. We both switched to Wellbutrin, which doesn’t affect libido. I started on hormones (menopause), and he found out he had very low testosterone. Now we have sex every day. Penetration every other day and oral on the others. Our emotional relationship is so much closer now."
21. "We have sex a few times a week, but it sucks. Sometimes I wonder if I am ace, but I had a very active sex life before I was married, and I enjoyed it. I guess we are just not on the same wavelength."
22. "I'm 30; my husband is 40. We've been together for seven years. We have [penetrative sex] maybe three to six times a week, depending on the week. But we have a lot of sexual engagement outside of that."
23. "My hubby and I do it three to four times a week. Always in the afternoons on the weekends (it's sooo good) and once or twice midweek at bedtime to put us to sleep. We have been together for 17 years, married for 12 with two older kids. We still share a genuine intimacy when we cuddle. I love him."
24. "I’m asexual with a partner who isn’t. We have sex a couple of times a month tops, but he never pressures me or pushes me at all."
