Sex is often viewed as a topic that is too "taboo" to talk about. But whether you're in a relationship or not, the only way to break the stigma and stereotypes that are often attached to this subject is by simply discussing it with yourself, your partner(s), and/or your friends.
The truth is, what works for one person (or couple) might not work for another — which is completely normal, BTW. And the only way we will know exactly what we want for our sex lives is by removing any feelings of shame or embarrassment and instead embracing the different kinds of kinks, frequencies of sex, and sexual interests.
So to have an open and direct dialogue about sex, we asked the BuzzFeed Community: "How often do you have sex with your partner(s) — and why does that work for your relationship?" And the answers were beyond vulnerable and eye-opening. So we gathered some of the answers below.
1. "I've been with my husband for almost a decade and married for almost eight of those years. I came into the relationship with quite a bit of baggage: I have chronic poor health that continues to go downhill. When we first got together, we would have sex a couple times a day or whatever I was able to do that day. My husband and I have gone months without having sex — menopause has been a contributing factor. We go through dry spells. This time last year, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me several times. I'm still trying to work through that."
"Lately, once a month is our norm and even then it doesn't really happen or get to the end. I am rarely ever in the mood and don't want to be touched. There will be times that we don't kiss for days. My husband does get frustrated because he desires to be intimate and often, I turn him down. I do try to hold his hand when it's possible because, for me, it's more of a turn-on than kissing."
2. "I've been with my boyfriend for 14 years,and we have a strong relationship. Our first few years when the relationship was fresh, we always had a very active sex life. Now in our later years, it's maybe twice on weekends when we're in the mood. With our working schedules, we're both just content most days to just lie on the couch, cuddle, kiss, talk about our days, and fall asleep."
3. "My husband and I have been together for 17 years. He works away for two weeks on and two weeks at home. Obviously, we don't have sex when he’s away, but when he’s home, it’s maybe one time every two weeks. I’m on some pretty strong medication and have endometriosis, so my libido is pretty low and it doesn’t help that he’s away a lot of the time. But he’s my best friend. We’re very affectionate and love each other unconditionally. That’s far more important to us than sex."
4. "We have sex once a week, but I'd like it to be more often. 17 years together. We have a 16-year-old and an 11-year-old, and a house with paper-thin walls. The only opportunity we can have sex is when we're both on our day off and the kids are in school. So basically, that number goes to zero during the summer holidays and during half-term."
5. "I’ve been with my partner for 2½ years. I am a gray-ace, and he has what is considered a 'normal sex drive' as well as a fetish he enjoys. I have been up front with him from the start about being gray. I have absolutely no sexual attraction to him but do enjoy sex to a certain extent a couple of times a month — mostly for the touch. I also enjoy giving him pleasure and watching him take that pleasure. It works for us because we communicate our needs openly. We have both been married before to partners who didn’t accept, or want to talk about sexuality."
"Right now, we are both in the safest relationships each has ever had, and I can say I am happier in this one than I have ever been. Communication about needs is key."
6. "My husband and I have been together for 15 years and it’s varied. After being together for so long, the frequency has changed. Used to be twice a week, but then it dropped to once every couple months or once a month. However, it’s recently changed to once a week. We also have a 6-year-old and my husband works long hours, so both can play a factor. It’s not my ideal type of sex life since I love it, but I also try to be understanding to the fact my husband is really worn out from his work schedule — so we still try to spend time together even if it doesn’t mean more sex."
7. "We have sex once every week or two. We've been together for six years and love each other immensely. We ideally would both love to have sex waaaaaaay more often. But with work, stress, random physical issues (i.e. post-COVID, his frequent headaches and occasional migraines have turned into monthslong migraines), and living with his dad, anything more is just not super feasible. I'm glad we connect when we do, even if we both wish it were more frequent."
—Anonymous
8. "Never. We're long distance and never met in real life, but it's been a few years now. Hopefully, soon, we'll be together properly, and it'll be a lot more frequent."
9. "We've been married for seven years. We have a 5-year-old and 2-year-old. We both work full-time from home now, so we're together ALL THE TIME! I've been on antidepressants for a few years, and it really made my sex drive take a dive. My hubby is five years older than me, and his sex drive is dropping anyway. We have sex every couple months and are both happy with that arrangement."
—mabd
10. "When I met my partner, I was a full-service sex worker. We met at my 'real' job. He knew what I did (it’s never been a secret), and when we started dating, I happily quit that work. My partner has had less than five sexual partners. I’m probably close to four digits. I went from having sex multiple times a day to maybe twice a week. It’s a year into our relationship. We live together and this is my first monogamous relationship in years. The sex is shorter and way more vanilla than anything I’d reach for before I met my partner — yet it’s the best sex of my life. I’m all about sex as nothing more than a physical release but the intimacy and emotional chemistry make this entirely different."
"Sometimes I miss doing wild shit with people so hot they just have sex written all over them every night of the week. But now that I have a taste of what two people with emotional chemistry can do with a little time…I’m hooked."
—Anonymous
11. "We are both asexual. Although there are asexual people who do have sex, we have preferred to excite the other and masturbate separately. It's very exciting."
—Anonymous
12. "We're recently married and have been together for three years. (Woman-loving-woman; same-sex couple). Due to the trauma of being molested as a child, plus some other stuff, we have sex maybe once every three to four months, so a couple of times a year. I still suffer from physical pain from any kind of penetration, and there are still times I feel too vulnerable. I still have a libido, and masturbate maybe twice a week or so? Even though I feel completely safe with my current partner, I need to be in a really good place mentally to have sex, and it’s really easy to be triggered. What helps is my wife knowing what all my triggers are and avoiding them like the plague."
"The best things I can do to want to have sex is by making sure my mental health is good, and I’m feeling good — and that my wife and I are in a good place and haven’t argued recently or anything like that in addition to not being distracted with work or stuff. And those conditions are only met every so often, but when I’m not in a good place, I have no desire for sex. I’ve told my wife I am more than happy for her to have sex with other people so long as she tells me about it."
13. "Before I met my partner/now-husband of nine years, I was an OVERLY sexual person with men, women, and group sex multiple times a week. When I met my partner, the transition to monogamous sex was hard, but we were very dedicated to each other’s mutual pleasure, so we remained consistent and were content. Now, I've been living in his (non-English speaking) country and have been the headteacher of an international preschool/kindergarten for five years, and we maybe have sex 10–20 times a year. I am so exhausted all the time that I can barely stay awake through dinner, let alone want to have sex after or even on the weekends."
"I feel like I have forgotten who I am sexually and it makes me feel broken. I know he wants it more, but this is the only way I can make money here, so I don’t know how to get back in touch with that side of myself."
14. "When we have sex, we get into the swing of it and usually have it every day for like four or so days but then might not have it again for a few weeks. It comes in swings and roundabouts."
15. "We have sex a couple of times a month. My husband is on medication for bipolar disorder, and that's the most he can manage right now."
—Anonymous
16. "We have sex once every few months. It's straining on us often, but life is freaking hard, man. We've been married for almost six years now. I miss the spark and spontaneity from the early years — but we're both so damn tired every day. Sex just takes a backseat. It sucks."
—Anonymous
17. "I'm married and have been with my husband for 20 years. The first couple years of dating, we had sex weekly (we didn’t live together) — but now, it's a couple of times a year. My spouse takes medication that impacts his libido and we’ve gone as long as 16 months without having sex. I'm not happy with this situation because sex, to me, is as much about love and emotional connection as it is about the physical act — but I love my husband and don’t want to be with anyone else."
"I do sometimes wish that he would 'fake it' and be amorous even when he isn’t in the mood but he doesn’t. Maybe I am glad he doesn’t 'fake it.' I don’t know. I just miss the connection. It's like we're roommates rather than a married couple."
—Anonymous
18. "My husband and I have been married nine years and together for 12. We both do shift work and have two kids, which makes scheduling sex hard. Working as a nurse through COVID has killed my libido because of the stress, grief, fatigue, etc. We are down to once a month (or even less), but we still try to find ways to connect through other forms of intimacy (i.e. lots of cuddles, back rubs, etc.)"
—Anonymous
19. "My partner (22M) and I (25F) have sex as much as we can. We are both magnetically attracted to one another and have worked on building good communication and trust in our relationship. We also openly talk about our kinks, things we want to try, and things that don't work for us. As a result, we generally have penetrative sex at least once per day when we're able to spend time together; sometimes more. But there are times when we have sex for so long or so frequently that we have to stop in order to recover! If that's the case, we always find other ways of being intimate with one another that don't include penetrative sex. I wouldn't have it any other way; I've found my person."
—Anonymous
20. "We've been married for 15+ years, together for 20+. My wife has very little interest in sex, so we only have sex a couple of times per year. Currently, it’s been about seven months since we last had sex. I have a much higher sex drive, so I just take care of myself a few times per week. It’s an unfortunate and disappointing situation, but it is what it is. I’ve gotten used to it after so many years, but it’s frustrating to feel so unfulfilled."
21. "Currently zero. We just had a baby six months ago. Prior to that, it was two to three times a day when I was ovulating for the last two years. It took the fun out of sex since it was like a business transaction trying to conceive."
—Anonymous
22. "My fiancé and I (both 31M) have been together for seven years, engaged for 3.5. In the last year, we have had penetrative intercourse maybe five times. I definitely wish we had sex more often. We both had, shall we say, very, very, very healthy, active sex lives before getting together with, to be frank, a long list of past partners. My relationship prior to him was a very sex-forward relationship, where we had sex pretty much every day, if not multiple times a day."
"That was in my early 20s though, so maybe that was just the youth acting. But, I do wish my partner and I had more sex. I try to be understanding of his low sex drive, but it’s tough. It’s put us in bad situations in the past where I’ve found myself wanting to explore other options sexually, but never would follow through."
23. "When me and my partner got together, we had sex pretty often, but soon, her libido had a huge downturn and we would only have sex once every four to five months. A couple of months ago, we decided to work on a sex schedule that was based on when we were free of evening responsibilities. It shakes out to roughly twice a week, and we've had not only an increase in sex but also the quality of sex has gone up significantly. Sex schedules seem not fun or not romantic, but now knowing how good one can be, I see their validity as a tool."
24. "We've been married for almost 32 years. We have sex at least twice a week. I still genuinely want that!"
25. "We have sex two to three times a day! We both have pretty high sex drives and cannot keep our hands off each other. It keeps us close, intimate, and connected. This hasn’t always been the case in relationships for me, so I’m thrilled I’ve finally found someone who is on the same wavelength and loves sexual intimacy just as much as I do."
—Anonymous
26. "My partner and I started off long-distance and always made intimacy a big part of our relationship. We were both very open with our wants and needs and both enjoyed a bit of kink in our sex lives. Fast forward a few years, we tried to have kids for six months with no success. Following fertility treatment, I finally got pregnant, and we couldn't have been happier. I got extreme morning sickness through all nine months of my pregnancy. We had sex probably only five times during pregnancy. Once I had the baby, a year ago, we have struggled to get back the same level of intimacy we had pre-pregnancy. We now have sex maybe once a month. We are planning to try for our second child this month, and I am worried it will almost be awkward having to have sex super frequently again."
"I want to clarify that despite the lack of intimacy, we have a very healthy relationship and love our life. We communicate that we need to work on our intimacy and hopefully, trying for baby number two is the jumpstart we need!"
—Anonymous
27. "I'm asexual and my husband is quite the opposite. I don't really crave sex so I could care less about it. I just do it with him a couple of times a week, and if he wants to have sex more than that, then I'll help him masturbate. Other than that, our system works for us because he gets his rocks off and most of the time, I get to watch TV during it so win-win."
—Anonymous
28. "On average, we have sex seven times per month. Sometimes less, sometimes more. I know that because we actually keep track of the times we have sex per month. I have a much lower libido than my partner, so keeping track gives us a definitive number so that neither of us feels we are having to sacrifice too much but still getting most of what we need. It is more than I normally desire but still not as much as they want, so it really is a compromise."
—Anonymous
29. "My partner and I have always kept up with each other's physical needs. He isn't demanding, but always welcoming of attention and interaction. I spent the first four years together with him healing from past sexual traumas and learned about appropriate sexual boundaries and what my desires actually were. In the last seven years of being married, our sexual relationship has grown stronger every year. We are welcoming a second child this spring and currently have sex two to three times a week."
"During the four-month healing period after our first child, we delved into some non-penetrative kinks we both had been thinking of and it took things to a new level. Having sex frequently allows me to be vulnerable and trusting with my body, and fulfills his love of physical affection."
—Anonymous
30. "We have sex at least every Friday and Saturday night with occasional extras if the mood hits. Having an almost scheduled time means we are consistently making time for intimacy, and we switch up the details enough that it never gets old. Next year will be our 20th anniversary, so I’d say we are doing pretty well."
—Anonymous
31. "I have sex with my partner usually one or two times a week purely because we both had to move back home during the pandemic to save money by living with our parents. We have no privacy at my house and his house is unpredictable, so we try to be intimate every chance we get when no one is home. However, it’s difficult because sometimes we are rushing to have sex instead of enjoying the build-up and the moment when our respective houses are empty. I think it’s been bittersweet because we are very sexually attracted to each other but cannot be intimate as much as we would like."
"It’s also good that we don’t have sex too often to help build a stronger bond between each other and focus on other aspects of our relationship. When we move in together our weekly sex dates will definitely spike!"
—Anonymous
32. "My husband and I haven't had sex since 2017, for a variety of reasons. I masturbate when I need to 'scratch the itch'; he's asexual and doesn't really think about it. We are still extremely affectionate with one another and will be married for 10 years in October. Our relationship is certainly not what society would consider 'normal' (whatever that means), but we're both very happy!"
—Anonymous
33. "I have been with my boyfriend for nine years, and we have sex at least every other day. I haven't had an orgasm in a long time, but I enjoy it a lot."
—Anonymous
34. "My husband and I have a 2-year-old daughter, and she refuses to sleep on her own, so one of us ends up sleeping in her room with her each night. Because of this, and other complications of parenting, we have sex maybe once every few months. About three times total last year. We're very happy though, and we enjoy spending time with each other in other ways. Maybe things will change when our daughter gets older, maybe it won't. Sex is not the be-all-end-all for a relationship."
35. "I've been with my husband for 12 years, married nine years. We have two children (one is 5 and the other is 1). We have sex two to three times per week. The amount of sex we have had actually increased since having kids. We’re happy with the amount, no changes necessary."
36. "When my husband and I first started dating we had sex all the time, sometimes twice a day. Then I went through a depression slump, and it slowed significantly. Then I got pregnant; postpartum was crazy. Suddenly, though, my libido picked up, and I’m ready to go all the time; however, he tells me he’s tired more than me. What kicked my libido up was telling him exactly what I like, when I like, and how I like. In the past, I was always too shy to be open about my sexuality; I used to think it would turn him off. But at this point, I want to be satisfied too."
"And low and behold he was open and understanding. It was mainly an excitement issue for me. I don’t always want it in the bed. So now we’ll go to the garage and have sex in the car, outside on the patio, on the pool table, wherever."
37. "We never have sex and never will. We have a queer-platonic relationship with no sexual attraction to each other. She's asexual, I'm not. Our relationship is open, so I do have sex with other people. But she is my everything, and I lack nothing about our relationship. It's very intimate, even without having sex."
38. "I've been with my husband for 10 years and we have sex at least once a week. We have a 3-year-old, and I’m 20 weeks pregnant, so we’re more tired and have less free time than we did when we were childless and had sex every other day. We find other forms of intimacy throughout the week, such as cuddles and massage."
39. "I’ve been with my husband for almost eight years total, and we’re both under 30 years old. In the first years of our relationship, we went at it like rabbits. As the years went on, we both developed health problems that greatly affected each of our qualities of life. I had an undiagnosed lung tumor for two years that significantly changed my energy levels, and subsequently caused pretty significant weight gain and lethargy. I’ve since had the tumor removed but I'm now dealing with severe chronic pain in my ribs. We have had sex twice in the past year. Maybe five times in two years. It’s really unfortunate, and we both hate it, but my sex drive is virtually nonexistent at this point in life given my health issues. He definitely still wants sex way more than me, and I hate disappointing him, but with severe chronic rib pain, it’s pretty impossible to do much of anything, much less a very physical activity."
"He’s the most understanding and supportive partner on the planet. He is still somehow just as attracted to me even being double the weight I was when we met, and our bond and intimacy are not at all lacking, but I do hate not being able to have sex currently be a part of our marriage. We’re closer than ever and the emotional bond we have together after all we’ve been through is unreal, but it’d be so wonderful to express our love physically.
We’re both really working on treatments for our health issues and hopefully, things will get better, but that’s our reality right now, and I feel it’s important to share for anyone else who might be in a similar situation."
40. "It’s awful. I try to avoid."
41. "We've been together for almost 15 years. We started dating when we were 19 and married since 24/25. I’ve always had a higher sex drive than my husband except recently. We have young children so day-to-day life is crazy. My husband had a vasectomy a year ago when we both knew we were done having children. Sex is more frequent since we don’t have to worry about potential ovulation and pregnancy anymore, and it's SO MUCH BETTER now. There’s something about knowing your husband can’t get you pregnant anymore."
42. "We've been together for 18 years, married 13. We have sex at least every other day, sometimes every day. We still can't keep our hands off each other."
43. "My fiancé and I have been together for 17 years and have an 11-year-old. We own a business together and our stress levels are super high. We haven’t had sex in almost a year. He brings it up once in a while, but I have zero interest. We still love each other, but there is no intimacy at all in our relationship."
