The letter writer confessed to AAM that 10 years ago, he had "ghosted" his ex-girlfriend...and now — surprise!!!! — she was going to be his boss.
Over the Christmas break, while she was visiting her family, I simply moved out and left the country. I took advantage of the fact that I accepted a job in other country and did not tell her about it. I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama. Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends. ... I now work as a math teacher in an international school. I have been in other relationships since, so Sylvia is a sort of forgotten history. Sadly, till now. This week, I learnt that our fantastic school director suddenly resigned due to a serious family situation and had to move back to her home country over the summer. The school had to replace her. We are getting a new director. I read the bio of the new boss and googled her and was shocked to discover it is Sylvia. We have not been in touch and do not have any mutual friends anymore. I am not a big fan of social media and had no idea what she had been up to since the unpleasant situation a long time ago.
But it later came out that he had "ghosted" her by JUST UP AND LEAVING THE COUNTRY AFTER THREE YEARS OF DATING AND TWO YEARS OF LIVING TOGETHER.
WELL! WELL WELL WELL. The letter writer sent an update.
First, he talked about how the outraged comments and the letter's virality affected him personally.
I admit I wrote my original email in a state of panic. ... I can say that in no way I expected that writing to a very popular but a niche professional blog would result in such Internet s*t storm. I am sorry for not engaging with your readers, but given the toxicity of many commentators, I did not seem much sense in doing it. I am still very much freaked out about the whole experience but since I promised to give you my update, here it is.
K. He went on to say that Sylvia was doing just fine without him, and that he didn't ruin her life.
Those who blamed me for ruining Sylvia’s life for good were wrong. She has done very well for herself. She is married, with kids and her husband is originally from here. They relocated because of his business opportunity, not because she would be stalking me or would orchestrate this in some elaborate vendetta. It is a crazy coincidence but as some readers pointed out, our professional world can be very small.
Just because she's married and has children doesn't mean you didn't cause her terrible hurt and anguish, buddy!!!!
Then he said he took Alison Green's advice — which was that the situation was likely not salvageable, but that his best option was to reach out to Sylvia so she wouldn't be blindsided; acknowledge his mistake; apologize sincerely; and ask her if she'd like to talk about what to do about the situation at hand. But she also warned him that this was probably going to come across as insincere. Here's the LW again:
I immediately reached out to Sylvia, along the lines of your kind advice and also offered to discuss the way forward in person. Here, I appreciate many useful comments from your readers on what to write. She did not get back to me. I was not sure she was still using her old email address and with a return to school day fast approaching, I re-sent the email to her new work email. I also dropped a short message to the HR, without providing full details. Next morning (Sunday!) I got a call from the chair of our board of overseers, asking me to meet him as soon as possible.
*gets popcorn* Here's what happened next:
I met with him, together with Sylvia, the same day. As you can imagine, this meeting was incredibly embarrassing for me, personally and professionally. Fortunately, unlike some of your readers hope, they did not think the past failed relationship was a sackable offence. At the end, there is not that much interaction between the director and employees on daily basis. The chair was more worried about possible gossip and related implications for the organisation. Ours is an expensive enterprise, this is a conservative place and nobody wants any scandal. At the same time, they considered it was necessary —as they framed it — to put some measures in place to avoid possible problems in the future. I was also told in no uncertain terms that although the schedule for the year was already set, it was far more difficult to replace the director than an employee (me).
What were some of these ~measures~, you ask?
The measures included things like we are never to talk to each other without a third person present, all meetings documented, no discussion about her and the management with my colleagues, not even in watercooler chat, limit our interactions beyond the school, meaning no socialising for me. I do not understand how this could work. It would be very much out of character for me and my colleagues and friends would get suspicious. Although not presented at such, it felt very punitive. ... I found the proposed measures rather excessive. It would make my position unattainable, even in a short run. Therefore, I resigned on the spot. My resignation was later accepted.
Meaning...
In a summary, as many of those self-righteous people on the Internet hoped, I came out of this with no job, no severance and no prospect for another job in this city. Obviously, I have to leave as I need to make a living. I will be shortly moving back home for several months to work as a substitute teacher, with an agency. I will see what next later. So I had my comeuppance.
WELL WELL WELL.
Oh, and he also claims he is "most certainly not asking for pity," he just feels bad for the way his "immaturity in the past" is affecting his current partner (which: *sips tea*), who cannot move with him due to "visa issues and family situation."
After the original AAM letter came out, I tried and failed to find Sylvia. (Girl, it's not too late — I can protect you!) After Alison asked for more details about their meeting, the letter writer had this to say about his ex:
I do not know how it was for Sylvia. I have not seen her since. She seemed fine. She was not gleeful, very matter of fact, saying it was possible to work together and etc. The chair did most of the talking. I found out later that her husband comes from a prominent family here, everyone knows them. Nepotism is prevalent in this culture and family status really matters. The chair knows them. I just do not understand why she had to get him involved. We could have tried to sort this out between us first, no need to go to the top immediately.
K.
You can read the full update on Ask a Manager here.
