1. There should be no snakes on the train.
2. Passengers' clothes should not match the train.
3. No one should have to pose for a selfie because he was mistaken for Ed Sheeran.
4. No train should make this announcement.
5. If your train goes back to the future after hitting 88MPH, you should tell a member of staff or a police officer.
6. No train should ever – ever – have a pigeon on it.
7. There can be no humping on the train.
8. "No sir, for the last time, you can't take ponies on the trains."
9. No train should leave with someone's lunch and forget its owner.
10. Trains are not supposed to photobomb people.
11. Trains should never be this happy.
12. Trains, technically speaking, should not contain angels.
13. Breast inspection is always a good idea, but never on a train.
14. You should NOT perv at people on a train.
15. Trains should not transform into buses.
16. People should not chop onions on the train.
17. You should not talk on your phone like you're on The Apprentice while on the train.
There's a prick on my train talking on his mobile phone like he's on the fucking Apprentice.
18. Trains should not have passenger information signs like this.
19. Didgeridoos should not happen on trains.
20. Trains should not be delayed because of cow-strike.
21. No one should shave their legs on a train.
22. And if you're going to take a picture of someone shaving their legs on the train, at least be a bit subtle.
23. Trains should not crash into houses.
24. Or traffic lights.
25. People should not engage in heavy petting on the train.
26. People should not let it all hang out on a train.
27. And this guy should never be on a train.
Not.
Ever.
