1. When the Queen takes over your local kebab house.
2. When your kebab is so big it requires a wooden support.
3. When a kebab house sells a litre of vodka in a cheeseburger deal and it's just too tempting.
4. Or six Stella.
5. When you can get a Christmas tree delivered with your kebab but only in a three-mile radius.
6. When your kebab shop gives out a doner card with your kebab.
7. When someone steals a kebab skewer.
8. When your local kebab shop offers chicken – for a change – which is "ruthlessly rimmed".
9. When your local kebab house arranges a school trip for 8-year-olds.
10. When people make kebabs out of "sand" and "ass".
11. When kebab shops undersell themselves a wee bit.
12. Still, it could be worse.
13. Much worse.
14. When these people are in front of you in the queue.
15. When kebab vans do awful puns.
16. When this happens.
17. When you can't get a kebab and have to make do with kebab-flavoured crisps.
18. When kebab shops nick the Little Chef logo.
19. "Sperma kebab".
20. When someone decides to make one out of chocolate instead of meat.
