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This Is What Happened When We Watched "The Little Mermaid" For The First Time

PSA: Ariel is CREEPY AF.

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1. You'll never convince me that seagulls are majestic. They're ugly and they steal your food.

2. Why are the skies gray? That seems like a bad omen.

3. Salty sea air and wind blowing in your face sounds miserable, tbh.

4. I'd be just like Grimsby throwing up.

5. I think they could've given King Triton a manbun.

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6. Sebastian's throwing shade!

7. The first thing we learn about Ariel is that she's a flake.

8. How does the ink stay on Sebastian's sheet music if they're underwater?

9. Are the other six sisters actually cool with Ariel getting a solo?

10. Do fish cough? Is that a real thing? Or do they cough through their gills?

11. Ariel just risked her life for a fork.

12. "Flounder, you really are a guppy." Ummm, it's legit to be scared of a shark, Ariel!

13. Scuttle is giving me some real Bill Murray in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou vibes.

14. Ursula looks like she's about to have a wardrobe malfunction.

15. How has Ursula only JUST figured out that Ariel is the key to ~Triton's undoing~?

16. King Triton doesn't want Ariel to surface, but it seems like they'd need to do that to breathe occasionally.

17. Let us note that Ariel is 16.

18. This movie is making us really want to science the shit out of mermaid biology.

19. Why is Sebastian, the court composer, being assigned as Ariel's security detail?

20. You'd think this royal sea kingdom would have actual royal sea guards. Like a seahorse, or something.

21. Do crabs actually swim like that?

22. We're gonna be marine biologists by the end of this movie.

23. "Who cares? I want more." Ariel seems pretty greedy. What a spoiled princess.

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24. We need to spend more time under the sea because Ariel's hair is ON POINT. Like, it ALWAYS looks good.

25. Ariel's hair could be it's own character at this point.

26. Fireworks on a wooden ship seems like a serious fire hazard.

27. She wants the D.

28. But also, she's 16, so anything romantic with her is kind of creepy.

29. What's the age of consent in the sea?

30. Only Prince Eric could make playing the flute look hot.

31. Prince Eric's getting a lot of pressure to marry from his subordinate.

32. I feel you on that, E.

33. He should try Tinder.

34. See?! TOLD YOU FIREWORKS WERE A BAD IDEA!

35. Fireworks sure do make a beautiful shipwreck.

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36. She's already singing?

37. Take it easy, Ariel.

38. The seagull definitely wants to watch.

39. For someone who is constantly surrounded by water Ariel is very thirsty.

40. Her hair is also flawless out of the sea. The animators are killing it.

41. Shouldn't it be wet? Now THAT'S Disney magic.

42. The creepy souls are actually kind of cute.

43. In a sad way.

44. Let it be known that Pedro thinks Ursula is "kind of a babe."

45. "Scuttle knows where he lives."

46. Ariel, that is what stalkers say.

47. Ten seconds into "Under the Sea" and we're sold on it.

48. The sea sounds awesome.

49. We'd party in the sea.

50. "Somebody's gotta nail that girl's fins to the floor." Idk Sebastian, that seems REALLY extreme.

51. ARIEL IS CREEPY AF.

52. Like, this behavior should not be encouraged.

53. OK, if Prince Eric saw Ariel talking to his statue like that he'd run in the other direction.

54. OMG, how awkward to learn your dad was watching you be creepily romantic to an inanimate object.

55. King Triton just said he basically wishes all humans were dead.

56. Yet he also just said he was a reasonable mermaid?

57. Wishing death to all humans doesn't seem reasonable, bro.

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58. So is Ursula just like...hoarding souls?

59. What does she get out of them?

60. All Ursula has talked about is changing people physically, so she's basically just a magical underwater plastic surgeon.

61. Thank god kissing a dude doesn't mean true love in the real world.

62. Ursula, where is YOUR man?

63. Ariel's doing all this shit for a guy and she doesn't even know if he'll love her back.

64. What a crazy stalker.

65. Or just a regular 16-year-old.

66. Ursula was very kind to give Ariel a lower body that matched her upper body.

67. Uhhhhhh, is she bottomless right now?

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68. "Miserable for the rest of your life."

69. She's 16, Sebastian. We're pretty sure she'd get over it.

70. Damn, Eric's pretty smooth.

71. Really Eric? You're gonna marry a girl just because she saved you and sang to you?

72. You know nothing about her!

73. At this point, she might still just be a hallucination!

74. Is Eric supposed to be 16, too? Because he looks 30.

75. All these people are French stereotypes, but "Eric" doesn't sound like a French name.

76. The chef himself is a safety hazard, throwing knives and hot soup and shit.

77. For someone who is friends with sea creatures, Ariel doesn't seem too bothered by the crab on Eric's plate.

78. Um, is Sebastian pimping Ariel out?

79. Sure sounds like it.

80. Who takes romantic advice from A CRAB?!

81. Teens don't know the stresses they put their parents through.

82. WHY is Eric taking Ariel down a path that ends with a cliff?

83. Someone should fence that off.

84. Has Sebastian forgotten that King Triton is gonna kill him?

85. "Rowboat and chill."

86. Ariel knows how to write.

87. If she can sign her life away, she can write her name down somewhere.

88. Eric just said "Ariel" is a "kind of" pretty name.

89. What a burn, Eric.

90. We need more musical numbers from Sebastian.

91. But fewer lyrics that imply you don't need consent.

92. This whole song is just soooooo uncomfortable.

93. A bird just made a kissy face.

94. BIRDS DON'T HAVE LIPS, PEOPLE.

95. Why would Eric throw his flute away? Seems like a waste.

96. He's getting married in the afternoon?

97. How does one plan a wedding that fast, let alone a ROYAL wedding?!

98. Gingers never win.

99. Is the "wedding ship" a ship that is solely used for weddings?

100. Pro tip: never sing your plans, Ursula.

101. There is NO WAY a fish as small as Flounder can pull a full-grown human and a barrel.

102. Why are Eric and Vanessa walking down the aisle together? That's not a real thing, is it?

103. The animal army is fierce.

104. How does Eric know she's the real "one" so suddenly?

105. He almost married another girl!

106. He was also so ready to ditch her. Why would Ariel forgive him?

107. Oh, that's right. She's hypnotized by the D.

108. Eric says he won't leave Ariel.

109. Did he even notice her fish bottom?

110. I guess that's true love.

111. I wonder if King Triton would've sacrificed himself for his other daughters.

112. Maybe he should've traded one of them for Ariel.

113. There are a lot of shipwrecks in that one spot.

114. "Children gotta be free to live their own lives."

115. That is not solid parenting advice.

116. How come he didn't make Prince Eric a merman?

117. Dang, so Ariel can never go back into the sea?

118. This seems like a weird moral for Disney.

119. "Abandon your family and the only life you've ever known for a dude you just met."

120. I once edited erotic Little Mermaid fan fiction and in it, King Triton gave them magic wedding rings that let them both become merpeople when they entered the sea.

121. Disney, take note.

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