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The Definitive Ranking Of Cookies, According To Santa

If I see another goddamn oatmeal raisin I swear to god I'll scream.

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22. Oatmeal Raisin

Don't mash up a dang granola bar into a circle and call it a cookie. I'm Santa Claus. I want sugar!
Getty Images/iStockphoto sarahdoow

Don't mash up a dang granola bar into a circle and call it a cookie. I'm Santa Claus. I want sugar!

21. Fortune

I already know my fortune, AND yours. Not necessary and not tasty.
Getty Images/iStockphoto quipu-art

I already know my fortune, AND yours. Not necessary and not tasty.

20. E.L. Fudge Double Stuffed

You are not the first person to think of this and it's not as funny as you think.
Flickr: theloushe / Creative Commons

You are not the first person to think of this and it's not as funny as you think.

19. Russian Tea Cake

NO THANKS, GRANDMA
Getty Images/iStockphoto MSPhotographic

NO THANKS, GRANDMA

18. Oatmeal Chocolate Chip

Tolerable only — ONLY — because of the chocolate.
Getty Images/iStockphoto fotogal

Tolerable only — ONLY — because of the chocolate.

17. Animal Crackers

Is this some kind of sick joke????????????????
Flickr: stevendepolo / Creative Commons

Is this some kind of sick joke????????????????

16. Chocolate and Sprinkle Covered Animal Crackers

Fine. I'm not thrilled about it, but fine.
Flickr: dearbarbz365 / Creative Commons

Fine. I'm not thrilled about it, but fine.

15. Oreos

No. Are you f$*#ing kidding me.
Getty Images/iStockphoto bhofack2

No. Are you f$*#ing kidding me.

14. Macarons

I only get macarons from what I like to call "Pinterest households." Be honest with yourselves: These cookies are not really for me. They're for your dream boards and your Instagrams.
Getty Images/Hemera Shinya Shitara

I only get macarons from what I like to call "Pinterest households." Be honest with yourselves: These cookies are not really for me. They're for your dream boards and your Instagrams.

13. M&M

I always have high hopes for M&M cookies and I am always just a little disappointed. Just like Christmas. Haha, only joking.
Flickr: el_ramon / Creative Commons

I always have high hopes for M&M cookies and I am always just a little disappointed. Just like Christmas. Haha, only joking.

12. Black and White

Not the sweetest cookie in the bunch, but I don't mind a black and white cookie now and again. Very chic. Very New York.
Getty Images/iStockphoto rojoimages

Not the sweetest cookie in the bunch, but I don't mind a black and white cookie now and again. Very chic. Very New York.

11. Double Chocolate Chip

Sumptious. Decadent. Delightful. If I have more than 10 on any one Christmas, though, I will barf right in a stocking.
Flickr: christijohnstone / Creative Commons

Sumptious. Decadent. Delightful. If I have more than 10 on any one Christmas, though, I will barf right in a stocking.

10. Chocolate Chip

A classic. I prefer gooey to cool, chewy to crunchy, but it's hard to go really wrong with a chocolate chip.
Getty Images/iStockphoto Massonstock

A classic. I prefer gooey to cool, chewy to crunchy, but it's hard to go really wrong with a chocolate chip.

9. Peanut Butter

Mrs. Claus has a "peanut allergy," so Christmas is really my one shot at going absolutely wild with PB.
Getty Images/iStockphoto Jennifer Rennison

Mrs. Claus has a "peanut allergy," so Christmas is really my one shot at going absolutely wild with PB.

8. Snickerdoodles

Snickerdoodles are a great holiday cookie — I think it's the cinnamon. These are a great palate cleanser between your chocolate-ier and frosting-ier standbys.
Getty Images/iStockphoto SouthernLightStudios

Snickerdoodles are a great holiday cookie — I think it's the cinnamon. These are a great palate cleanser between your chocolate-ier and frosting-ier standbys.

7. Holiday Shortbread Assortment (Store-Bought)

This works out well for both of us — zero prep time for you, happy belly for me.
Getty Images/Fuse Fuse

This works out well for both of us — zero prep time for you, happy belly for me.

6. Ginger Snaps

While not so jolly as their man-shaped counterparts, ginger snaps are a welcome addition to any Santa's cookie repertoire. Seasonal, spirited, and not too heavy.
Getty Images/iStockphoto SageElyse

While not so jolly as their man-shaped counterparts, ginger snaps are a welcome addition to any Santa's cookie repertoire. Seasonal, spirited, and not too heavy.

5. Molasses

In 1979 I was served a plate of molasses cookies so good I spent an hour ransacking the Barnard household looking for more, setting my delivery schedule off and ruining the Barnards' Christmas morning. It was worth it and I would do it again.
Getty Images/iStockphoto MSPhotographic

In 1979 I was served a plate of molasses cookies so good I spent an hour ransacking the Barnard household looking for more, setting my delivery schedule off and ruining the Barnards' Christmas morning. It was worth it and I would do it again.

4. Mallomars

Omfggggggggggg I'll eat a hundred this second.
Flickr: mgarbowski / Creative Commons

Omfggggggggggg I'll eat a hundred this second.

3. Gingerbread Man

I will never, ever tire of biting their heads off. Never!!! 'Tis the season!!!!!
Getty Images Thomas Northcut

I will never, ever tire of biting their heads off. Never!!! 'Tis the season!!!!!

2. Peanut Butter Blossoms

Like I said: Feel free to really go nuts (lol) with the peanut butter based cookies. Throw some kisses on there and Papa Christmas will bring you anything you ask for.
Getty Images/iStockphoto saje

Like I said: Feel free to really go nuts (lol) with the peanut butter based cookies. Throw some kisses on there and Papa Christmas will bring you anything you ask for.

1. Christmas Trees with Frosting

To me this feels like a no-brainer!
Getty Images/Fuse Fuse

To me this feels like a no-brainer!

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