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Posted on Dec 10, 2014

The Definitive Ranking Of Cookies, According To Santa

If I see another goddamn oatmeal raisin I swear to god I'll scream.

22. Oatmeal Raisin

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Don't mash up a dang granola bar into a circle and call it a cookie. I'm Santa Claus. I want sugar!

21. Fortune

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I already know my fortune, AND yours. Not necessary and not tasty.

20. E.L. Fudge Double Stuffed

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You are not the first person to think of this and it's not as funny as you think.

19. Russian Tea Cake

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NO THANKS, GRANDMA

18. Oatmeal Chocolate Chip

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Tolerable only — ONLY — because of the chocolate.

17. Animal Crackers

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Is this some kind of sick joke????????????????

16. Chocolate and Sprinkle Covered Animal Crackers

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Fine. I'm not thrilled about it, but fine.

15. Oreos

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No. Are you f$*#ing kidding me.

14. Macarons

Getty Images/Hemera Shinya Shitara

I only get macarons from what I like to call "Pinterest households." Be honest with yourselves: These cookies are not really for me. They're for your dream boards and your Instagrams.

13. M&M

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I always have high hopes for M&M cookies and I am always just a little disappointed. Just like Christmas. Haha, only joking.

12. Black and White

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Not the sweetest cookie in the bunch, but I don't mind a black and white cookie now and again. Very chic. Very New York.

11. Double Chocolate Chip

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Sumptious. Decadent. Delightful. If I have more than 10 on any one Christmas, though, I will barf right in a stocking.

10. Chocolate Chip

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A classic. I prefer gooey to cool, chewy to crunchy, but it's hard to go really wrong with a chocolate chip.

9. Peanut Butter

Getty Images/iStockphoto Jennifer Rennison

Mrs. Claus has a "peanut allergy," so Christmas is really my one shot at going absolutely wild with PB.

8. Snickerdoodles

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Snickerdoodles are a great holiday cookie — I think it's the cinnamon. These are a great palate cleanser between your chocolate-ier and frosting-ier standbys.

7. Holiday Shortbread Assortment (Store-Bought)

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This works out well for both of us — zero prep time for you, happy belly for me.

6. Ginger Snaps

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While not so jolly as their man-shaped counterparts, ginger snaps are a welcome addition to any Santa's cookie repertoire. Seasonal, spirited, and not too heavy.

5. Molasses

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In 1979 I was served a plate of molasses cookies so good I spent an hour ransacking the Barnard household looking for more, setting my delivery schedule off and ruining the Barnards' Christmas morning. It was worth it and I would do it again.

4. Mallomars

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Omfggggggggggg I'll eat a hundred this second.

3. Gingerbread Man

Getty Images Thomas Northcut

I will never, ever tire of biting their heads off. Never!!! 'Tis the season!!!!!

2. Peanut Butter Blossoms

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Like I said: Feel free to really go nuts (lol) with the peanut butter based cookies. Throw some kisses on there and Papa Christmas will bring you anything you ask for.

1. Christmas Trees with Frosting

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To me this feels like a no-brainer!

More from Santa: The Best And Worst Reindeer Officially Ranked By Santa

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