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    Dear Straight People, We Ate Ass First!

    How dare you steal our culture!

    First Khia popped her pussy like this, and I did not speak out — because Khia is iconic.

    Then Nicki Minaj gave it up to the best ass eater, and I did not speak out — because this was just like a really good Nicki verse and I am here for every good Nicki verse.

    Then Allison Williams had her ass eaten out on Girls and I was like HELL NO. FUCK THIS. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO SPEAK OUT.

    We ate ass first.

    It all started with the Greeks.

    Alexander the Great was in on it.

    Even famous composer Tchaikovsky was known to dabble.


    Basically gay people have been eating ass for thousands of years and now straight people want to come around and take credit.

    I am tired of straight people eating ass and appropriating gay culture.

    Straight people arrive at things gay people have been doing all along: Eating ass. Eating pussy. Anal sex. A day late and a dollar short.

    And as we know, straight people ruin everything.

    I can't go on Facebook without being bombarded with their hetero bullshit.

    Instagram is TAINTed.

    Everything is dark-sided, gargoyles, psychics, etc.

    To this, I say stop.


    Let us have this one thing.


    Don't ruin ass eating for us all.