Yoldie (n.):
A person who identifies as an old person but who is not actually old at all. Yoldies are usually between the ages of 20 and 30 and can be found most commonly in their apartment watching Netflix on Saturday nights, a choice they take pride in making. Yoldies love talking about how they can't drink as much as they used to, complain about bars being too loud, and still aren't quite sure what "on fleek" means and when to properly use it.
It's basically an easier way to say old person trapped in a young person's body.
Exhibit A:
The Yoldie epidemic
For years now, basically ever since Netflix streaming got good, the yoldie population has been exploding. They're everywhere. You are probably friends with one yourself and may actually find yourself saying, "That's so me. I'm so yoldie."
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Exhibit B:
Yoldie language
Yoldies speak with very specific, distinguished terms. They often compare themselves to being "so grandma" and joke about "dying of old age" even though they are 24. Everything makes them "feel old" and they love nothing more than "remembering" something like Myspace or "old-school Nickelodeon."
Exhibit C:
I'm like a grandma I always have snacks in my purse lol
I feel so old. I just got excited at buying new kitchen knives...
I'm gonna be the youngest person to ever die of old age
Still wondering what a yoldie is? Well, we've created a list to make it easier to identify yourself and your friends!
Yoldies...
• Take every opportunity to let everyone know that they learned how to knit.
• Wear a blanket on the couch.
• Say "I'm soooo cold," even when the temperature is above 70 degrees.
• Always have a hoodie, just in case.
• Live in constant struggle to decide if they should read a book or just take a nap.
• Wake up early to go shopping at Trader Joe's.
• Bring their own tote bags when they go to grocery stores, in general.
• Are really into potlucks.
• And are really good at snacks.
Yoldies live in fear of being judged by Netflix.
They...
• Dream of owning a Nespresso machine, KitchenAid stand mixer, and a Vitamix (the kitchen trifecta).
• Are really, truly interested in oil pulling.
• Get excited about "sweater season."
• Collect Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons.
• And make jokes every birthday that they're turning 21.
Yoldies love talking about how much they hate music festivals.
They...
• Get genuinely getting excited about a House Hunters marathon.
• Get genuinely upset when someone on House Hunters says they "don't like the color of the walls."
• Go to seated concerts and talk about how they could never do not-seated concerts ever again.
• Find themselves googling words like "fuckboy" and "bae" because they have no idea what they mean.
• Actually pay money for multiple magazine subscriptions.
Yoldies say that their mom is their best friend.
They...
• Get really excited about going to places like Michaels.
• Enjoy cleaning out their fridge.
• Actually consider calling the cops on their neighbors when they're having a loud party on a Tuesday night but never follow through because they don't want to seem like a douche.
• Still use Groupons.
• Get things custom-framed.
• Believe in the importance of owning a quality vacuum cleaner.
Yoldies tell everyone that they're never drinking again...
...but still take every opportunity to talk about how much of a wino they are.
They...
• Constantly talk about going to bars where they can "hear a conversation."
• Humblebrag about how early they go to bed.
• Humblebrag about how they see matinees.
• Talk about how they don't understand Snapchat.
• And have perfected the Irish goodbye.
To be honest, yoldies are probably thinking about going to sleep right now because they can't stop talking about naps.
