We recently shared a post rounding up jokes Quora users found so funny that they still think about them today, like this one:
Well, members of the BuzzFeed Community shared their own favorite jokes in the comments, and they might be even funnier! Here they are:
1. "A man walks into the therapist's office and says, 'I think I might be a dog.' The therapist offers him a seat, and the man responds, 'Oh I'm not allowed on the furniture.'"
2. "My parrot recently died. Its last words were, 'Fuck, I think my parrot's about to die.'"
3. "A little old lady has a husband whose farting has gotten ridiculous. Especially at night, in bed, it's gotten way out of hand. Angrily, she tells him he's gotta do something about it! Or one of these days he's going to fart his insides out! He ignores her pleas, and every night, the farting gets worse. I'll show him, she thinks."
"The next morning she wakes up early and creeps to the kitchen. She gets the gizzard and inner turkey parts she was going to give to their cat, and instead silently places them on the bed next to her husband.
A little while later, her husband comes into the kitchen, and he looks upset.
'I guess you were right after all, Agnes... I farted my guts out overnight!'
Agnes feigned innocence, asking, 'Maybe it's time to talk to the doctor about this?'
'Nah,' her husband replied. 'I'll be ok, I just stuffed them back in.'"
4. "My favorite joke of all time: A man goes to the zoo, but there's only one animal there. The animal is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu."
5. "An elephant walked up to a man on a nudist beach and asked, 'How do you eat with that?'"
6. "A man tells his doctor, 'Help me doctor, I'm addicted to Twitter!' The doctor responds, 'Sorry, I don't follow you...'"
7. "A truck driver is starving and stops at a biker bar. He orders a beer and some food. Right after he’s served, a biker gang enters the bar, eager for a fight. One walks up to the trucker, and slaps his hat off. The trucker takes a sip of beer. Another biker swats his food off the table. The trucker takes another sip of beer. So a third biker grabs the beer and pours it over the trucker’s head. The trucker gets up, pays the bill, and leaves. The biker leader says, 'That trucker sure wasn’t much of a fighter.' The bartender says, 'He’s not much of a driver either. He just drove over all your bikes!'”
8. "Three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park. A completely naked man runs past them. Two of them had a stroke. One wasn't fast enough."
9. "A lady goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of her knickers. The doctor says, 'Oh, this is a strange one.' ... The lady says, 'And that's just the tip of the iceberg.'”
10. "A man goes up to Professor X and says he'd like to join the X-Men. 'Sure,' Professor X says. 'What's your ability?' 'I have perfect hindsight,' the man says. Professor X frowns. 'I really don't think that's going to help us much.' 'Yeah,' the man replies, 'I can see that now.'"
11. "Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, ‘I wish I could do that.’ The other guy replies, ‘I’d pet him first.’"
12. "Has your doctor talked to you about the benefits of adding dried fruit to your diet? I’m just raisin awareness."
13. "What do you call a guy laying by the door? Matt. What do you call a guy hanging on the wall? Art. What do you call a guy floating in a pool? Bob. And my favorite: What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head? Cliff!"
14. "An older retired couple that had been married for 50 years was struggling to keep up the romance in their marriage after their looks had faded with their hair turning gray, their skin sagging, and their bodies becoming more tired. One day, they figured out a way to keep their love alive and well: They had a nightly ritual to eat dinner together completely naked."
"One day, the wife told her husband, 'This is really working because my tits are so hot for you!' The husband replied, 'I can see that, sweetheart!' The wife asked how he could see that, and the husband replied, 'Well, one of your nipples is in your tea, and the other is in your soup!'”
15. "What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste."
16. "My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeean."
17. "A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, 'I think I’m a typo.'"
18. "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"
—Lindsey Jackson Keele, Facebook
19. "As a natural blonde, into my 40s, I LOVE collecting blonde jokes. My favorite: Two blondes walk into a bar, super happy and excited. They order their drinks, and the bartender overhears them a few times saying 'Two weeks!' while clinking their glasses or high-fiving in celebration. Intrigued, he asks, 'So what are you two ladies celebrating this evening?' and one explains, 'Well, we got this puzzle and on the box it said "6 months–1 year"' … The other finishes her sentence, 'and we finished it together in ONLY TWO WEEKS!'”
20. "A magician was walking down the street and turned into a drug store."
21. "Two sperm swimming around inside a lass. One says, 'Are we at the egg yet?' The other replies, 'Nah mate, we've only just passed the tonsils...'"
22. "A man walks into a pub in London and places his hat down on the empty seat next to him. Before he even has time to order a beer, a dog belonging to another man sitting next to him promptly eats the hat."
“'Excuse me,' says the now hatless man, 'your dog just ate my hat!'
The owner of the dog rudely replies: 'Yeah, so what?'
Quite offended, the hatless man steps up off his chair and loudly proclaims: 'Look here, I don’t like your attitude!'
To which the owner of the dog shouts back: 'Attitude? Attitude?!! It was your bloody ‘at ‘e chewed!'”
23. "What’s round on the ends and high in the middle? Ohio."
24. "Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other, 'Wow, it's hot in here!' The other muffin says, 'Hey, a talking muffin!'"
25. "I heard this one from my neighbor’s dad the first time we met and he rather politely asked if I laughed at dirty jokes: So the family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra. We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard."
26. "A man goes to the hospital and says, 'Doctor, doctor! I have the worst symptoms. I’ve had "What’s New Pussycat?" stuck in my head for weeks!' The doctor says, 'It sounds like you have a case of Tom Jones syndrome.' The man asks, 'Is that common?' And the doctor replies, 'It’s not unusual.'”
27. "A dog wanders into the jungle. A lion spots him, but has never seen a dog before. But the lion wants to know what this new creature tastes like, so he charges at the dog. The dog panics, but then sees some lion bones next to him. So the dog loudly says, 'That was one delicious lion!' The lion quickly stops. 'Damn, this creature is a bigger threat than I thought!'”
"But a monkey high in the trees saw everything, and wants to curry some favor with the king of the jungle, so the monkey tells the lion what he saw. The lion is outraged, and starts to charge the dog again. But the dog saw the monkey talking to the lion and figured out what happened. So the dog loudly asks, 'Where the hell is that monkey with the second lion he promised me?'”
28. "My mom and I were telling each other dumb jokes while we were sitting with my dad in the hospital, and this one got us so good that we had to leave the room, LOL. It could have been the sleep deprivation, but it still makes me laugh now:"
"What is brown and sticky?
A stick!"
And lastly:
29. "This one requires a bit of setup, but it's another favorite, and I promise it's worth it. Peter, a junior in high school, decides he's going to ask his friend Jack (who is on the basketball team and far more popular than Peter) for some tips on how to impress girls. Jack tells Peter to come over after school the next day, because he has a few ideas that Peter can practice on Jenna, Jack's sister, who is in the grade below the two boys. Peter and Jenna haven't interacted much, because Jenna is really shy, but she has had a crush on Peter for a while now."
"Cut to flirting practice, Peter realizes that he and Jenna are fairly compatible, so he asks her out for real. They go on a few dates and are having a great time as a couple. Peter realizes that junior prom is approaching, and he asks Jenna to go with him. She eagerly accepts.
The day arrives, and they go in a limo with Jack and some other friends. They're having a ton of fun dancing when Jenna tells Peter that her feet hurt and that she's thirsty, and asks him to grab something to drink for her while she sits for a minute. Peter heads over to the snack table, and there is no punch line."