One thing that's changed over the years is that people don't really tell jokes like they used to. Growing up in the '80s (in those pre-internet days), it seemed like every adult knew at least three or four good jokes, and when they got together with other adults, they'd sit around trading them. I still remember the one my grandpa used to tell:
Well, the good people of Quora recently got together to share the funniest jokes they ever heard, and they brought some seriously hilarious gems:
1. "A woman holding her little baby in her arms gets onto a bus. The driver says, 'Wow, that’s an ugly baby!' The woman is outraged, but says nothing. As she walks back to an open seat, another passenger sees that she is upset, and asks why. She says, 'That bus driver was so rude and insulting!' The passenger says, 'Why, you just go right back and give the driver a piece of your mind! Here, I’ll hold your monkey.'”
2. "A guy is in for a job interview, and the interviewer asks him, 'What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?'"
"The guy replies, 'Honesty. I’m honest with everyone; I don’t know how to be anything other than completely honest with every single person I meet.'
The interviewer says, 'I don’t really see how honesty could be considered a weakness? In fact, I think honesty is a great strength!'
To which the guy replies, 'I don’t really give a shit what you think.'”
3. "Two old ladies are sitting on a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The second old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week."
"Sure enough, a few days later, she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says, 'Young man, I would like to buy a condom, please.'
The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, 'Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before…um. What size do you need?'
The old woman pauses, then replies, 'I need one that will fit a camel.'”
4. "Doctor: I have good news and bad news."
"Patient: 'OK, first, what's the good news?'
Doctor: 'You have 24 hours to live.'
Patient: 'Oh god, just 24 hours to live, that is good news? I can't imagine what the bad news is going to be.'
Doctor: 'I forgot to phone you yesterday.'"
—SBZ
5. "The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.'”
“'I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'OK. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It’s a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
''Are you OK?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.'"
6. "My wife called out to me from the other room: 'Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest…like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?' I said, 'No?!' She said: '…How about now?'”
7. "A guy goes to confession and says, 'Bless me father for I have sinned. On Friday I went golfing, and I used the 'F' word. The priest says, 'Tell me about it, my son.'"
"The man says, 'I was on the first tee, and I shanked a shot wide left.' The priest says, 'Oh, you must have said it then.' The man said, 'No, because the ball went into the woods, hit a tree, and bounced back right in the middle of the fairway.'
The priest says, 'And then what happened?' The man says, 'I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right.' The priest says, 'So that’s when you said it?' The man says 'No, because my shot hit the ball washer machine on the next hole, popped up, and wound up right in the low rough.'
So the priest says, 'Oh, so that’s when you said it, then.' He said, 'No, because I took my wedge and hit it, and it wound up on the green, about six inches from the cup.'
There’s silence for a while, and then the priest says, 'Don’t tell me you missed that fucking putt…'"
8. "Before the EU, a German tourist was entering France when the border agent asked, 'Name?' The German replied, 'Heinrich Gruber.' The agent then asked, 'City of residence?' The German replied, 'Frankfurt.' Finally, the agent asked, 'Occupation?' And the German replied, 'No, just visiting.'"
9. "A bloke goes to an ice cream van and says ‘Large cone please’ in a quiet, croaky voice."
"Vendor says, ‘Raspberry syrup?’
‘Yes please,’ replies the bloke in the same painful sounding voice.
'Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ says the bloke, pointing to his throat, ‘Laryngitis.’"
10. "A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems. 'Yes doctor, I have a problem. I have to fart a lot. I fart all the time. Fortunately, no one can hear them or smell them. In fact, I have farted twice just since you came in. I bet you couldn’t hear or smell them, could you?'"
"The doctor gives her an examination and says to her, 'I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral.'
'The over-the-counter medication will help your body produce less gas, the prescription medication will help you recover your sense of smell, and I am giving you a referral to an Audiologist to see if they can help you to hear better.'”
11. "A man sits at a bar and orders 10 beers and drinks them one after the other. He then orders nine beers and drinks them as well, and this goes on and on."
"So he orders seven beers and drinks them, six beers and drinks them, five beers and drinks them, and then finally four beers. After drinking these last four beers, he says to the bartender:
'I don’t understand this. The less beers I drink, the more drunk I get.'”
12. "Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available."
"The older sister says, 'I’m going to take the bus to the stockyards since you need the pickup truck. When I get there, if I decide to buy a bull, I'll contact you to bring the pickup truck and trailer and haul it home.'
The older sister arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she makes her way to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram telling her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister, telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator said he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, she only had one dollar, enough to send one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her this word: comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
She explained, 'This is a big word for my sister. So she'll read it very slowly...sounding it out as com-for-da-bull.'"
13. "Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome. One nun looks over at the other and says, 'You know, I’ve never come this way before.' The other nun replies, 'Must be the cobblestones.'”
14. "Guy walks into a bar. Tells the bartender to set ’em up for the house and tells the bartender to have one himself. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, 'I ain't got no money.' The bartender bum-rushes the guy out the door and throws him into the street."
"Next night, the same guy walks in and tells the bartender to set up doubles for the house and says to the bartender, 'Just to show I ain't got no hard feelings about last night, pour yourself a double, too.' The bartender presents the guy with the bill.
The guy says, 'I told you last night, I ain't got no money!'
'Why you dirty SOB,' the bartender yells as he once again tosses the guy into the street.
Next night, the guy's back. 'Set up triples for the house,' he says, 'but, no, no, not for you.'
'Why not me?' asks the bartender.
'Because, you get mean when you drink!!'”
15. "One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits his job, gives up his apartment, and rents out a cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door."
"He opens the door to see this huge lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually, the big man speaks:
'I’m yer neighbor from the cabin about a mile down the road. Anyhow, I’m having a party on Saturday, and I wondered if you’d like to come.'
The guy pauses for a second and then replies: 'You know what, that would be great. It is about time I got out, and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.'
'Right,' says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. 'I’ll see you about eight o’clock on Saturday then.' And then he turns to leave.
But he pauses for a second and then turns back: 'I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.'
'Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit myself back in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with a bit of hard liquor.'
'Right then,' says the big man. 'Well, eight o’clock then.'
But as he turns to go, he pauses again and turns back. 'Yeah, I should also mention: Most likely there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.'
'Uh, well, OK,' the guy replies. 'I mean, I get on pretty well with most people so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.'
'Right then,' says the big man. 'See you at eight o’clock then.'
But once again, he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard. 'So I probably also need to tell you: There might be some pretty wild sex.'
The guy perks up a bit at that. 'Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that’s what happens.'
'OK then,' says the man. 'Well, see you Saturday.' And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.
'Oh wait, just one question,' says the guy. 'What should I wear?'
The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again. 'I don’t suppose it really matters much. It's just gonna be you and me.'"