12 Sex + Food Horror Stories You Won't Be Able To Unread
Don't say we didn't warn you.
1. The vegan chocolate German cake:
"I had just started seeing this guy, and we bonded over being the adventurous types. At our next date, I told him I'd come over in a trench coat and a cake and that his job was to find a tarp. Fast-forward to that night: Not only is German chocolate cake very hard to eat off a dick because you have to chew it, but brown frosting on an ass is quite unappetizing. Worst part? We didn’t finish the cake, it was vegan, AND it was expensive! I brought it home and didn’t think to hide it.
My family polished it off for me. Never told them it was sex cake."
2. The McDonald's syrup:
"He liked using syrup but one night we only had McDonald's syrup packets. We microwaved it but didn’t realize we made it too hot. He had a red squiggly burn mark for days."
3. The gas station salad:
"My friend always tells the story of how her brother and his girlfriend once bought a salad at a gas station so that he could eat it out of her vagina. A few days later she went to the ER with maggots in her vag."
5. The whipped cream:
"My boyfriend and I are both big foodies so naturally we thought whipped cream might be a good idea. I brought some over and we got down to business — horrible mistake. Not only was it super sticky, but combined with saliva, it produced a smell exactly like that of puke. We tried to shower it off, but later on, he told me that when he saw his mom, she said he smelled like throw-up and asked if he was okay. Overall, no longer a fan of food and sex at the same time."
6. The other whipped cream:
"The first time my boyfriend and I incorporated whipped cream into foreplay, I got a yeast infection (from the whipped cream he had in his mouth)."
7. The chicken nuggets:
"My girlfriend once licked my asshole and vomited up the chicken nuggets we had eaten for dinner just before, at the exact same time I accidentally farted. I farted the asshole-touched vomit back into her mouth and all over her face."
8. The edible:
After getting high from marijuana banana bread, I was on the couch with my ankles on my partner's shoulders — deep into the trip — when suddenly the motion in the ocean became too much. I sat up suddenly and vomited all over him. He cleaned me up like a true gentleman and put me to bed."
9. The Chipotle hot sauce:
"We were having great sex until he brought his hand back to spank me and accidentally hit our Chipotle hot sauce — it went right into my asshole and it burned intensely. He just lay on the ground laughing while I stood there dancing because my ass hurt so much."
10. The chocolate syrup (and the flamin' hot wings):
"My former boyfriend and I thought chocolate syrup would be fun in bed. My vagina disagreed. The sugar gave me a yeast infection so fierce that we couldn’t have sex for two weeks. We apparently didn’t learn that food wasn’t our thing, because a few months later we had hot wings and then decided to get frisky in his car. He ended up screaming because my flaming tongue set his urethra on fire. But hey, at least we were even."
11. The wine:
"I once got a glass of wine and poured it all over my boyfriend's butt and licked it out. At the time, it felt super sexy. Well, I got a text from my boyfriend the next day telling me the wine had SEVERELY chaffed his butthole and that he was in extreme pain all day. OOPSIE DAISIES! I just wanted to know what rappers felt like once in my life."
12. The Sriracha:
"My boyfriend and I went to Red Lobster and we both had shrimp covered in Sriracha sauce. When we got home I went down on him for awhile — when we switched to him being inside me, my vagina felt on FIRE from the Sriracha!"
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.