Hello, world, and welcome back to Money with Megan, the side of BuzzFeed where we talk through the sticky work and money questions that keep us up at night.
This time, we have a letter from a student whose boyfriend wants her to pay him back wayyyy more than she can afford. Here's what she had to say:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 18 months now, and for the most part are very happy. There’s just one issue that keeps coming up, which is our finances. He’s a year older than me and graduated last year, and is now making a fairly modest starting salary (early $20s USD) at his first big boy job. He also has received monthly contributions from his family for years that have allowed him not to work at all whilst he was a student, and he had a trust fund which he has saved and amounts to around the correct sum to pay for a house deposit.
On the other hand, I graduate in July and have been under so much stress with my studies that it wasn’t feasible for me to have had a part-time job at the same time. I have worked over the summer every summer since starting college, but that money has gone toward my living expenses (I study away from home) and has always eventually run out — at which point I have to borrow from my parents (money I will be paying back interest-free once I graduate).
My boyfriend has expensive tastes due to the way he was raised, and likes for us to do things that are often way out of my budget (at the time of writing, I have less than $10 in my account and no savings to speak of). We have recently returned from a trip, in which we stayed at a five-star hotel, ate meals that cost more than I could’ve earned in a month at my part-time summer jobs, and generally lived a life of luxury. This trip amounted to more than I could possibly afford to contribute half of. Although we didn’t discuss it at the time, I assumed that since I have no money, this trip would be paid for fully by him (our financial difference is so large that he can easily afford to pay the full cost and still be comfortable afterwards).
However, he has recently suggested that once I graduate and am earning a full-time salary, we will need to set up a payment plan for me to eventually pay him back every single penny that he has spent on me since we first got together. This came as a shock to me. I know I’m coming off as somewhat of a freeloader, but if it had been up to me, we wouldn’t have spent nearly as much on the trip as we did, nor on our other leisure activities that are always chosen and paid for by my boyfriend. Keep in mind that I will be paying back my parents for their help with my living costs as well as paying them rent. I will also be making student loan payments and attempting to begin saving for a house. After taxes and pension contributions, this will leave me with barely any disposable income, and now, whatever disposable income I will have will be going toward financing my boyfriend’s (frankly out of control) spending.
So, the big question is, who is in the right here? I’m aware that I should probably be making contributions, but should we select a percentage of what I currently owe him for me to pay back in order to account for his expensive tastes? Should he have informed me prior to booking such expensive trips that they were not all expenses paid and I should be contributing? Help!
This is a tricky situation indeed. Generally in a relationship, the best time to talk about money is before you start spending a ton of it together — and the second-best time is now. So, yes, it would have been for the best to talk about expenses before going on the trip, and for the record, you're both equally responsible for having these important conversations. But since it appears that neither of you brought it up, it's like he's asking you to return a gift — which feels pretty tacky to me.
From your letter, it sounds like you and your boyfriend come from very different financial backgrounds. And it also sounds like you two might not talk about money very much at all. Have you talked with him about your existing debt and obligations upon graduation? Does he know that the meals he was buying on vacation cost more than you'd make in a month? It's pretty common for people who've grown up with wealth to have trouble understanding what it's like to live without it. He might just need to hear more from you about your budget and experiences with money so he can really get where you're coming from and reset his expectations.
It's also possible that he's under more financial strain than you realize. It could be that his family is offering less support now that he's working full-time, and since he's never had to budget before, he's asking you for money instead of cutting back on his spending. This doesn't make his request any more reasonable, but it could explain his thought process. And if this is the case, this could be a great time for him to start tracking his spending, learn to prioritize what's really important to him, and make his first budget.
If either of these things are the case, then there is hope for a compromise moving forward. I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to say something like, "I'd love to contribute more to our relationship financially, but what you're asking is way outside of my budget and would put a lot of pressure on me and strain our relationship. Can we talk instead about how we want to split expenses moving forward together?" That way, you can work toward a more equitable future without a new unexpected debt hanging over your head.
You might propose a system moving forward where you'd pay a percentage of date and vacation expenses based on how your income compares to his, or perhaps, you could offer to take turns paying for dates — and he'll have to learn to be okay with enjoying your company at a picnic in the park instead of at a Michelin-starred establishment. If he truly cares about you, then he should be as happy to see you at Taco Bell as he would at, IDK, The White Lotus or something. (What do rich people even do?? I have no idea.)
I obviously don't know your whole relationship just from one letter, but I do want to raise a flag that this request from your boyfriend could be the beginnings of financial abuse. If he's not oblivious to your situation and knows the strain you'll be under upon graduation, he might be trying to make you feel guilty and indebted to him so that he can control you. Are there other things he does that push your boundaries, feel controlling or demeaning, or make you feel unsafe? If this request is part of a larger pattern, please take steps to protect yourself and move on from this relationship. If you're looking for someone to talk to, the Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource.
Ultimately, a relationship should be a partnership, and partners support each other. What your boyfriend is asking could severely limit your ability to save for your future (which might not even include him) as well as putting a damper on your ability to enjoy your present. And I hope that moving forward, whether you stay with your current boyfriend or not, you'll feel more comfortable talking about how to split expenses before making plans.
And that's all the advice I have for today! If you have a sticky work or money situation that you'd like some advice on, write to me via this anonymous form. And you can also follow me on Twitter or LinkedIn.
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