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We Watched "Farmer Wants A Wife" For The First Time And Had A Lot Of Thoughts

I guess there aren't many Tinder matches out on the cow farm.

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1. I have never watched this show and I have literally zero idea what to expect.

2. Except I guess there'll be a farmer?

3. Hang on there are EIGHT farmers? Wat.

4. I thought it was going to be like The Bachelor, but on a farm.

5. But also do these women just have to live on the farm and be housewives?

6. How long are they on the farm for?

7. I feel like they can't continue their successful careers when they're in the middle of the Pilbara.

8. I never want to live on a farm it looks so dirty and cold and far away from everything?

9. Far out I am now realising that I am such a city kid.

10. Is that blonde lady one of McLeod's Daughters?

11. There have been so many successful relationships from this show?!

12. There are a LOT of hot farmers. Are there gay farmers?

13. And do they want a husband?

14. Farmer Matt is taking his dates on chopper rides!

15. Chopper rides are a super romantic way to spend a date SCREAMING OVER ENGINE NOISE.

16. Three dalmations! Just 98 more and he'd have a movie!




19. We're only five minutes into this episode and there's already been at least ten shots of a farmer looking into the sunset, talking about love.

20. "Isolation has Farmer Matt rushing to find a bride." If that were a woman, people would be telling her to find acceptance within herself and that it'll happen "when you least expect it".

21. Isolation also has Farmer Matt JACKED!!! Look at those guns.

22. That's such a long driveway. Where are these farmers walking from?

23. Do they get dropped off and have to walk?

24. Why not just get dropped off at the door?

25. Sorry, but they all look like losers in flannel shirts.

26. And they always have their shirts tucked in like big dumb nerds.

27. I guess there aren't many Tinder matches out on the cow farm.

28. Farmer Lance is a cowboy!

29. When does a cowboy become a cowman?

30. Though to be honest Cowman sounds like a really bad superhero.

31. "Lance has had trouble holding on to his special ladies"... plural?

32. Was there more than one at one time?

33. Lance you dirty dog.

34. So this show is like The Bachelor but for old, lonely people.

35. Old, lonely farmers.

36. This place that they're filming at is the fanciest farm I've ever seen, I don't believe it's real.

37. Where's the mud?

38. OK who was in charge of naming Coffin Bay?

39. Farmer Jedd had a LITERAL sea change!

40. I didn't realise you could even BE an oyster farmer.

41. Drink every time someone makes an ~aphrodisiac~ joke.

42. Also huge props to all these girls for wearing stilettos in the country. There is so much poo and soft grass and cow grates I would never even dare.

43. And I have never seen so many checked shirts in one room before.

44. Lance is looking at his group of women in a weirdly creepy way.

45. "Great effort, girls." :( yucky

46. OK 10 days is so fucking long to spend with a stranger on a farm.

47. Ugh, do they even have Wi-Fi out there?

48. These conversations are very, very awkward.

49. Here, come sit on this very hard hay bale and answer some extremely personal questions.

50. "With your family… are they just… family?" WAT.

51. Literally what was he even asking with that one?


53. "Do you have any goals? Or just one goal?" HUH?

54. I'm honestly getting major second-hand embarrassment.

55. Why are all of Farmer Matt's girls 22? WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO SETTLE DOWN SO BAD?

56. I was still drinking goon at 22 and "finding myself".

57. Finding myself at the bottom of the toilet cubicle, goon is bad kids.

58. Farmer Matt is only 25????? It looks like farm life is just like being president, it really ages a man.

59. OMG did that girl just say "shag" with no traces of irony?

60. What an awkward leg rub. "Yeah, yeah that felt.. special." IN HIS PANTS.

61. Farmer Lance is just too much.

62. And Farmer Lance referring to himself in the third person is the most Farmer Lance thing ever.

63. "Are you a good cook?" Yep Lance is definitely a 50-something-year-old man after a housewife.

64. I'd cry too if I met Lance, but for different reasons.

65. And why is he holding everybody's hands?

66. No thank you please.


68. These speed dates are super awkward.

69. I feel like everyone who brought a gift is basically going to go through to the next round though.

70. There are rounds, right?

71. I hope the girl wearing an Adventure Time dress wins.

72. This is a very confusing concept to be honest.

73. So they take four women back to their farm and it turns into like a Big Brother on a farm type thing?

74. And the other girls just go home?

75. Like, bye, sorry to drag you all the way out to the country, it was all for nothing.

76. Haaaaaang on. These farmers are trying to find women who can handle doing farm work?

77. So they're more looking for a farmhand?

78. Who will give them sex as well.

79. And don't get paid?

80. So, like, what do the girls get out of it then? Nothing?

81. Except Farmer Jedd's ladies. They get ASSLOADS OF OYSTERS!

82. Half the women on this show barely got to speak, so I'm guessing they're not coming back for episode two.

83. Do they get roses like in The Bachelor? Or what?

84. "Will you accept this steak?"

85. Farmer Jedd offering ladies the chance to "come back to Coffin Bay" sounds a lot like a threat.


87. It's because he asked about Game of Thrones, isn't it.

88. Blame it on the "competitive aspect" of the show, cool cop-out.

89. It's the dating equivalent of "it's not you, it's me".

90. I'm getting flashbacks to Cosima's nodules.

91. Oh man all these girls are so damn keen for Farmer Lachie.

92. I can't believe Married at First Sight didn't work for him.

93. That show was based on TRUE LOVE. Jk.

94. Why does this lady keep crying?

95. Lance definitely wants a good root.

96. I can't believe I have never watched this show before.

97. But also I definitely can???

98. OMG the preview has Farmer Lance getting a stern talking to.

99. I need to see what mad shit he's done.

100. I bet he tried to hold more than someone's hand.

101. OK, Farmer Wants A Wife, you win this round. I will see you next week.


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