1. Watching a pregnant guinea pig undergo a C-section.
2. Reading the Wikipedia entry on the history of the hot dog.
3. Watching a large taquito spin slowly under a heat lamp at a 7-Eleven.
4. Buying a large taquito that’s been spinning slowly under a heat lamp at a 7-Eleven.
5. Cleaning sand from a bodily crevice.
6. Drinking an entire gallon of whole milk in one sitting.
8. Telling people that you’re exercising and then eating a 7-Eleven taquito instead.
9. Cleaning your belly button with a Q-tip.
10. Cleaning somebody else’s belly button with a Q-tip.
11. Removing a splinter.
12. Putting a splinter back in.
13. Eating 48 slices of Kraft American cheese.
14. Watching all six Star Wars movies with the sound off.
15. Watching an obese pug eat an entire cheese pizza by himself.
16. Swallowing a hot dog whole and then contemplating its existence inside of you.
17. Watching a tennis match.
18. Watching a roly poly cross the sidewalk.
19. Actually updating Adobe.
20. Eating cold leftovers.
21. Smelling a Crayola marker but not the kind they used to make that actually smelled good.
22. Shopping for socks.
23. Listening to your mom describe her latest doctor’s appointment.
24. Listening to an entire Bruno Mars album.
25. Riding one of those automated chairs that takes people up staircases.
26. Listening to someone read your MySpace profile out loud.
27. Listening to someone read your first month of Facebook status updates out loud.
28. Listening to someone read literally anything out loud.
29. Wearing a Speedo in public but not at the beach.
30. Watching the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty commercial on repeat.
31. Listening to a vegan explain why they’re vegan.
32. Eating an entire log of salami.
33. Eating the contents of a sausage before it’s actually put into the sausage casing.
34. Eating only the bottom of a muffin.
35. Watching a complete stranger clip his toenails on a subway car.
36. Watching Danny DeVito comb his hair.
37. Having to comb Danny DeVito’s hair.
38. Folding a fitted sheet.
39. Folding the other sheet that isn’t the fitted sheet but still the big one.
40. Putting a big pillow into a pillow case.
41. Waiting one hour for your digital photographs to develop at Walgreens.
42. Treating a squirrel bite to the inside of your thigh.
43. Waiting for mac ‘n’ cheese to finish baking and then discovering that it burned in the oven.
44. Eating a pie but not the pie part just the crust.
45. Eating a bag of Oreos but not the cookie parts just the icing.
46. Eating a Skittle you found on a bus seat.
47. Stepping on a Lego with your bare foot.
48. Eating an entire box of Cheerios without milk.
49. Watching this video of Vin Diesel dancing to Katy Perry and Beyoncé.
50. Eating an entire package of whole wheat hamburger buns.
51. Eating an entire loaf of pumpernickel bread.
52. Slicing a loaf of pumpernickel bread and then eating each of those slices between hamburger buns.
53. Watching your mom type “www” before a URL.
54. Watching your mom type “www.google.com” into google.com.
55. Listening to a child dictate the plot of a Dora the Explorer episode.
56. Cooking rice.
57. Listening to a Law & Order marathon that’s playing loudly from the TV in your neighbor’s apartment.
58. Hand-making your own clothing with a colonial loom.
59. Drinking an entire mason jar of pickle juice.
60. Waiting for Jell-O to set overnight.
61. Making Jell-O salad.
62. Scraping old leftovers out of cold Tupperware.
63. Installing Internet Explorer.
64. Attending a Weight Watchers weigh-in.
65. Eating an entire jar of lite mayonnaise with a spoon.
66. Eating an entire jar of lite mayonnaise with a fork.
67. Listening to Taylor Swift complain about each of her exes in a row.
68. Sucking the filling out of a Hostess Twinkie treat and discarding its cakey surroundings.
69. Accepting someone’s LinkedIn connection request.
70. Watching an hourlong Proactiv infomercial.
71. Listening to Al Roker poop in the bathroom stall next to you.
72. Drinking vodka with a straw.
73. Drinking ketchup with a straw.
74. Drinking hot mustard with a straw.
75. Drinking someone else’s saliva with a straw.
76. Eating a Lean Cuisine meal.
77. Wearing a cape.
78. Masturbating with extra-virgin olive oil.
79. Masturbating with marshmallow fluff.
80. Masturbating with Aunt Jemima brand maple syrup.
81. Watching all four seasons of the hit Disney Channel television show Hannah Montana.
82. Eating an entire head of broccoli.
83. Eating an entire head of cauliflower.
84. Eating an entire head.
85. Actually answering a telephone call.
86. Watching water in a very thin tube evaporate.
87. Lowering your body slowly into a tub full of Milk Duds.
88. Debating the specifics of Middle Earth lore in an AOL chat room.
89. Petting a goat.
90. Milking a goat.
91. Petting a goat with one hand and milking it with the other hand.
92. Discovering that the goat you’re “milking” is actually a male.
93. Washing your hands after discovering that you accidentally “milked” a male goat.
94. Boiling water.
95. Dumping a bag of frozen raviolis into boiling water.
96. Watching frozen raviolis cook in boiling water.
97. Marveling at whoever invented frozen raviolis.
98. Dipping your hand slowly into a potato sack full of tiny grains.
99. Building a birdhouse.
100. Raising a family of raccoons from infancy and then crying when you set them free.
101. Building a large motorized glider to befriend a flock of geese.
102. Putting makeup on a baby.
103. Stepping in dog poop without any shoes on and feeling its gooey contents.
104. Rubbing the belly of a very large adolescent pig.
105. Telling a Chipotle employee that you are aware guacamole costs extra.
106. Actually deciding that you don’t want the Chipotle guacamole because it costs extra.
107. Watching an episode of Teletubbies in reverse.
108. Climbing inside of a Teletubbies costume and going to a hot yoga class.
109. Watching someone type very slowly on a keyboard because they just got their nails done.
110. Accidentally liking someone’s Facebook post from 2009.
111. Drawing in a coloring book with only the white crayon.
112. Listening to Justin Bieber’s entire discography.
113. Literally shitting an actual brick.
114. Flushing a toilet at a restaurant and it doesn’t go down the whole way.
115. Sitting uncomfortably at a restaurant whose toilet you just clogged.
116. Having to leave a restaurant early because you clogged their toilet.
117. Listening to someone who stopped you on the street to sign their petition.
118. Cutting a stick of string cheese into tiny bites.
119. Eating those bites.
120. Covering yourself in Vaseline and slithering across your kitchen floor.
121. Covering yourself in Vaseline and slithering across someone else’s kitchen floor.
122. Chewing a piece of Dubble Bubble gum for more than 10 seconds.
123. Staring at this picture of Harry Styles.
124. Trying on clothes at H&M.
125. Having to fart in a quiet room and not farting.
126. Having to fart in a quiet room and actually farting.
127. Reading every single Facebook update about your friends having babies.
128. Raising a Furby.
129. Dealing with your Furby’s moody pubescent phase.
130. Watching your Furby raise a family of its own and having to let it go.
131. Drinking anything from a mason jar and pretending you’re hip.
132. Telling people you’re knitting something when you’re actually crocheting something.
133. Shredding documents.
134. Licking envelopes.
135. Stapling two pieces of paper together.
136. Eating a bagel without cream cheese.
137. Eating cream cheese without a bagel.
138. Noticing you’ve run out of toilet paper in the middle of a bowel movement.
139. Eating an entire jar of maraschino cherries.
140. Reading the iPhone instructions manual.
141. Reading the Apple terms of service.
142. Smelling the tiny hairs on the underside of a warthog’s neck.
143. Cracking an egg.
144. Stepping on a twig.
145. Climbing a tree.
146. Pouring the milk in a bowl before the cereal.
147. Smelling burnt things.
148. Saying, “What smells burnt?” when you smell a burnt thing.
149. Roasting marshmallows over the stove.
150. Lighting candles.
151. Smelling candles.
152. Blowing out candles.
153. Wondering how long it’ll smell like smoke after you blow out a candle.
154. Peeling an apple.
155. Using one of those apple slicers instead of just biting into an apple like a real person.
156. Opening pistachios.
157. Eating pistachio ice cream.
158. Eating pistachio pudding.
159. Turning your computer mouse off and then on when its battery is really low.
160. Licking stamps.
161. Watching a squirrel go into a tree hole.
162. Watching a squirrel come out of a tree hole.
163. Looking up pictures of Her Majesty The Queen.
164. Wondering how many hard-boiled eggs Her Majesty The Queen can fit in her mouth.
165. Wondering if Her Majesty The Queen has a kangaroo-like pouch on her belly.
166. Wondering if Her Majesty The Queen takes showers or baths.
167. Wondering if Her Majesty The Queen has ever eaten a taco with her bare hands.
168. Wondering how many blowjobs Her Majesty The Queen has given in her entire life.
169. Sniffing paint.
170. Sniffing permanent markers.
171. Sniffing a freshly grilled filet mignon.
172. Grabbing a package of Oreos from the pantry only to discover that it’s empty.
173. Boiling Gatorade.
174. Poking a hole through the wrong part of a Capri Sun and then having to lick up the tiny Capri Sun puddle that forms under your Capri Sun pouch.
175. Opening a tiny grade-school carton of milk.
176. Leaving your mouth on a tiny grade-school carton of milk for too long and waiting for it to get moist.
177. Using a three-ring binder.
178. Listening to anything by The Black Eyed Peas.
179. Remembering that time Fergie peed in her pants on stage.
180. Making mud pies.
181. Making dirt pies.
182. Making a mixture of mud and dirt pies.
183. Watching anything starring Benedict Cumberbatch.
184. Giving people raisin cookies and telling them they’re chocolate chip.
185. Giving people chocolate chip cookies and telling them they’re raisin.
186. Getting bit by a ferret in the tender area known as the loin.
187. Buying what you think are seedless grapes and discovering that they have seeds.
188. Buying what you think is a seedless watermelon and discovering that it has seeds.
189. Dating someone you think had a vasectomy and discovering he has seeds.
190. Rewinding a VHS tape.
191. Rewinding a cassette tape.
192. Recording a song from the radio onto a cassette tape.
193. Watching an entire ad on YouTube instead of skipping it.
194. Reading every email in your spam folder.
195. Getting a CD out of its plastic wrap.
196. Waiting for an oven to preheat.
199. Wrapping yourself in paper towels and then rolling on the floor.
200. Mowing the lawn.
201. Maintaining a Chia Pet.
202. Maintaining a patch of mold that you refer to as a “Chia Pet.”
203. Drinking an entire bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
204. Wearing a sweater made of your mom’s chest hair.
205. Eating an entire uncooked potato.
206. Eating two entire uncooked potatoes.
207. Flushing an entire 20-piece Chicken McNugget value meal down the toilet.
208. Eating at an Old Country buffet.
209. Eating at a TGI Friday’s.
210. Eating at a Denny’s before 11 p.m.
211. Peeing at a urinal next to another person.
212. Peeing in the same urinal as another person at the same time.
214. Drinking from a water fountain.
215. Putting your entire mouth around the spout when drinking from a water fountain.
216. Taping two objects together.
217. Pronouncing the word “tortilla” but actually saying the L’s.
218. Sitting in a folding chair.
219. Putting a goat in a tiny sweater.
220. Taking a picture of a goat you just put in a tiny sweater.
221. Uploading a picture of a goat in a tiny sweater to Instagram.
223. Covering yourself in peanut butter and jelly and taking a selfie.
224. Studying this selfie of a kid who covered himself in peanut butter and jelly.
225. Making eye contact with someone while eating a banana.
226. Making eye contact with someone while eating anything.
227. Making eye contact.
228. Braiding your pubic hair.
229. Braiding someone else’s pubic hair.
230. Letting someone else braid your pubic hair.
231. Swallowing a peanut M&M whole.
232. Getting half of a saltine cracker stuck in your throat.
233. Swallowing a peanut M&M to try to dislodge half of a saltine cracker stuck in your throat.
234. Smoking a rolled-up maple leaf.
235. Telling people that you’re really high after smoking a rolled up maple leaf.
236. Going to CVS.
237. Having to use the self-checkout at CVS.
238. Getting impatient with the workers who are just standing around while you self-checkout at CVS.
239. Taking pictures with an iPad.
240. Wrapping yourself in blankets and pretending to be a human burrito.
241. Wrapping yourself in burritos and pretending to be a human blanket.
242. Eating a kale salad.
243. Eating kale.
244. Being in the same room as someone eating kale.
245. Being in the same room as kale.
246. Being in a room.
247. Eating an entire tub of plain greek yogurt with a plastic spoon.
248. Licking a pickle from one end to the other.
249. Licking a cucumber from one end to the other.
250. Licking anything from one end to the other.
251. Taking this quiz about what poop you’re going to have.
252. Watching two hungry slugs fight for a very tiny piece of cheese.
253. Scratching the back of your knee.
254. Scratching the back of someone else’s knee.
255. Eating an entire deep-dish pizza alone.
256. Reliving every first date you’ve ever been on.
257. Reliving every first date your mom’s ever been on.
258. Peeling off a hangnail and accidentally peeling off your entire finger.
259. Dropping a piece of pizza on the ground and then eating it anyway.
260. Buying a single onion.
261. Peeling a single onion.
262. Cutting a single onion.
263. Eating a single onion alone in your basement with the lights off.
264. Dipping a guinea pig in frosting and rolling it in sprinkles.
265. Trying to order a McDonald’s breakfast menu item at 10:31 a.m.
266. Looking at this picture of two adults engaging in sober fun.
267. Eating an entire package of only orange Starbursts.
268. Popping a zit.
269. Popping someone else’s zit.
270. Letting someone else pop your zit.
271. Shaving your arm hair.
272. Shaving someone else’s arm hair.
273. Changing a diaper.
274. Licking the underside of a toilet bowl.
275. Eating three entire baskets of Olive Garden breadsticks.
276. Shitting three entire baskets of Olive Garden breadsticks.
277. Swallowing an entire French baguette.
278. Having sex with that guy on the news who hasn’t showered in 60 years.
279. Inserting your arm into the anal cavity of a pregnant elephant.
280. Taking the SATs.
281. Getting your finger caught in a car door.
282. Getting your penis caught in a car door.
283. Getting your vagina caught in a car door.
284. Zipping a plastic bag closed.
285. Zipping a plastic bag open.
286. Breaking a peanut in half.
287. Opening a peanut and discovering that there are no nuts inside.
288. Opening a peanut and discovering that there are THREE nuts inside.
289. Touching the part of the ball sac that looks like it’s been zipped up.
290. Digging a hole.
291. Filling the hole you just dug with jewels.
292. Sweating profusely from your boobs.
293. Listening to the new Aaron Carter song.
294. Listening to literally any other Aaron Carter song.
295. Watching that episode of Lizzy McGuire where she meets Aaron Carter.
296. Wearing pants above your belly button.
297. Wearing pants.
298. Cleaning Rick Ross’ underboob sweat with a napkin.
299. Cleaning Rick Ross’ underboob sweat with your tongue.
300. Giving birth to a food baby.
301. Giving birth to a human baby.
302. Giving birth to a human baby when you were expecting to give birth to a food baby.
306. Ordering two large pizzas for yourself and then insisting on a “diet” soda.
307. Picking a scab.
308. Looking fondly at old pictures of Oprah Winfrey.
309. Looking a cat in the face and telling it, “You’re adopted.”
310. Telling your dentist you flossed even though you both know you didn’t.
311. Bleeding in the dentist’s chair because you didn’t floss.
312. Actually flossing.
313. Tripping up the stairs.
314. Reading the urban dictionary definition for a scock.
315. Pooping at work.
316. Patiently waiting for the mailman and then barking at him like a dog.
317. Wanting a scrub.
318. Watching this old video of a man sing-whistling a song.
322. Gently caressing someone’s double chin.
323. Sticking your finger slowly into an old man’s hairy ear.
325. Riding a Razor scooter in public.
326. Riding a Razor scooter in private.
327. Listening to someone complain about back pain.
328. Listening to someone complain about hemorrhoids.
329. Lying in the fetal position while the Super Bowl plays on the TV in front of you.
330. Listening to someone tell you how much they actually hate watching the Super Bowl.
331. Actually making it to the end of this list.
- A vandal allegedly smashed glass and threw a bible into a Colorado mosque on Sunday morning.