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1. A beer can chicken roaster so you can put the pedal to the metal while cooking up your famous backyard BBQ masterpieces.
2. A bottle of No Pore-Blem primer that'll smooth out your skin pre-foundation, practically erasing the appearance of pores and uneven skin. And that's not all! It also adds moisture through a mixture of collagen and green tea extract. Drink that in.
3. A variety pack of soda for anyone who just really needs to know what buffalo wing-flavored pop tastes like.
4. A best-selling nostalgic necklace inspired by every '90s kid's favorite furry friend. Did I ever think I'd have the chance to bring my beloved childhood toy to work? Not until today. This is a statement-making accessory everyone is gonna be jealous of!
5. A suuuper soft microfiber cloth to remove every single trace of dirt and makeup with just water. This even works on waterproof makeup. How'd you manage that one, science?
6. A pair of produce-saving containers that'll create the perfect balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide for your stored produce, which means your fruit and veggies will stay fresh 80% longer. If you, like me, forget about your produce the moment it goes in the crisper, this was designed for you.
7. A red wine stain remover that's bleach free, so it can save your clothes, furniture, and floors from a red wine stain before you even have a chance to ~wine~ about how clumsy you are.
8. A lumberjack outfit that'll make your four-legged friend look like the boss at a lumber mill for some unnecessary (but adorable) reason.
9. A nontoxic leather conditioner sure to bring your beloved leather reading chair back to life. All you need is a thin spread of this spiffy conditioner and you're g2g! Now, what page did you leave off on?
10. A Grande Cosmetics' lash serum that doesn't just make your lashes appear longer (hi, mascara) but it's actually gonna help them GROW longer and fuller. Simply apply it every night and enjoy your newly luscious lashes in just a few weeks!
11. A mold and mildew removing gel that'll cling to the grime on tiles and edges so you can soak awkward angles without your cleaning products dripping off before they've done anything at all.
12. A useless machine for anyone who wants a handcrafted fidget toy unlike anything they've ever seen before.
13. A desktop trashcan so ~stinking~ cute you just might forget that it's full of literal garbage.
14. A cleaning putty for making the most mundane cleaning tasks way more fun. Ironically, this slimy substance can be used to remove the *actual* slime your children make/squish into every remote and keyboard in your home.
15. A hand-knitted weighted blanket with no beads or filler, sure to soothe folks who want the comfort of a weighted blanket without the heat. The woven pattern is what creates the added weight...I've had this blanket for months and it still totally blows my mind.
16. A pair of light saber chopsticks that'll be a surprisingly practical utensil set any lifelong Star Wars fan would Jedi for, no matter how grown up they may seem.
17. A bug zapper – it's gonna attract and zap creepy crawlies and nasty mosquitos who try and ~bug~ you all summer long. This works so well you *truly* will not believe how fast your yard turns into a horse fly cemetery.
18. A personalized candle that'll make everyone crack up when they see it. I mean, who doesn't love the art of the fart joke?? Possibly your mom. Get it for your mom.
19. A No Brainer headband from the marketing madness that is Liquid Death (my personal favorite beverage brand). This "helpful" accessory is designed to hold cold beverages on your noggin' in an effort to keep zombies from noticing your warm, toasty brains. Think I'm kidding? Go read the product description on their site.
20. A box of miracle fruit tablets – mind-boggling candies that'll turn your taste buds upside down. This is a fun activity that'll never go ~sour~ (although technically the effects wear off after around 30 minutes).
21. A pair of leaf-scooping gloves that are gonna prove you have waay more than just a green thumb when it comes to your garden. Honestly, you won't be-leaf how well these scoop up fallen foliage and grass trimmings!
22. A desk-sized inflatable tube pal to turn your desk into the best party spot this side of the street. The other side already has a used car lot...so.
23. A box of cereal for adults who refuse to grow out of their potty humor, even when their bowels seem to be cracking their own ~crappy~ jokes lately.
24. A pack of 24 outlet decals that'll cause your guests to turn their heads every few minutes until they finally say, "I ~mustache~ you...am I seeing things, or do your outlets have faces?"
25. A Mars dust globe — a futuristic piece of home decor for people who think traditional snow globes are soo old school.
26. A rather useful sassy welcome mat that'll satisfy your not-so-social soul.
27. A zombie face mask sure to make your skin as soft and supple as a nice, juicy brain. What am I going as for Halloween, you ask? Why, myself...in this face mask.
28. A salt shooter you can give someone who would love nothing more than to hunt the world's most dangerous game, the pesky housefly. That...or use it to season their food in the most exciting way possible.
29. A Cinderella's carriage diamond ring sure to be the greatest accessory a true Disney Adult could ever own.
30. A bestselling squirrel picnic table that'll be the *most* practical purchase you could make for your yard...if ridiculously adorable wildlife photos are what you want in life.
31. A storage bean bag — your kid will think this adds some fun furniture to their room, when in reality it's really for you to enjoy. This embraces your kid's signature "shove the mess where people can't see it" technique to make their room look actually, you know, clean.
32. A stained glass toilet paper roll that'll give your bathroom some beautiful, applicable decor.
33. A pack of rainbow fire packets so you can convince your kids to look at something other than their phones when you accidentally go camping at a site with cell service.
34. A sunset projection lamp for giving yourself some soothing light therapy every night – letting you enjoy a sunset even if the view from your window is the brick wall from the building next door.
35. An adjustable stick figure floor lamp you can bend into any position you'd like. If you enjoy constantly changing up your decor, this light is a seriously ~bright~ idea.
36. A hanging bookshelf – clever decor that's gonna make gravity look like a fool.
37. And a Grilled Cheesus sandwich press sure to make your dinner guests say, "~Holy~ moly! This meal is something special!"
When I embrace the fact that I actually *do* want to cook chicken on a motorcycle grilling stand:
