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    The Definitive Ranking Of Hair Metal Hair

    Glam on.

    This extremely scientific ranking is based on: hair volume, amount of hairspray used (flammability), and overall band participation.

    36. Judas Priest

    Columbia Records

    Volume: 2

    Flammability: 2

    Band Participation: 3

    Score: 5

    At least pretend that you give a shit, Rob.

    35. Deep Purple

    PolyGram Records

    Volume: 4

    Flammability: 2

    Band Participation: 3

    Score: 8

    Plus one for the handlebar mustache.

    34. Night Ranger

    MCA Records

    Volume: 3.5

    Flammability: 2.5

    Band Participation: 2.5

    Score: 8.5

    This looks much more "pensive poet" than "metal."

    33. Van Halen

    Warner Bros. Records

    Volume: 4

    Flammability: 3

    Band Participation: 2

    Score: 9

    There is so much unused potential here. Had the hair been slightly bigger and grittier, they could have easily earned a spot in the Top 20.

    32. Def Leppard

    Vertigo Records

    Volume: 3

    Flammability: 2

    Band Participation: 4.5

    Score: 9.5

    Remember Leave It To Beaver? Even The Beav had more flair than these guys.

    31. Extreme

    A&M

    Volume: 3

    Flammability: 3

    Band Participation: 4

    Score: 10

    They've got the Hot Cops thing down, but that poor excuse of a mullet hurts the overall sex appeal.

    30. Skid Row

    Atlantic Records

    Volume: 3

    Flammability: 3

    Band Participation: 5

    Score: 11

    The look is much more surfer chic than it is badass. Negative points for being too pretty.

    29. Scorpions

    The Island Def Jam Music Group

    Volume: 3

    Flammability: 4.5

    Band Participation: 4

    Score: 11.5

    Looks like they were rocked by a weak sandstorm, at best.

    28. Y & T

    Geffen Records

    Volume: 5

    Flammability: 3

    Band Participation: 5

    Score: 13

    A bad perm with no styling is just a bad perm.

    27. Pantera

    Metal Magic Records

    Volume: 5.5

    Flammability: 3

    Band Participation: 5

    Score: 13.5

    Vinnie Paul looks as uncomfortable as I feel looking at him.

    26. Danger Danger

    Epic Records

    Volume: 4.5

    Flammability: 4

    Band Participation: 6

    Score: 14.5

    This picture could easily be mistaken for an '80s tampon ad.

    25. Steelheart

    MCA Records

    Volume: 6

    Flammability: 4

    Band Participation: 5

    Score: 15

    Their hair just doesn't suggest that their hearts are made of steel. It's more Nicole Kidman circa 1983.

    24. Europe

    Epic Records

    Volume: 6

    Flammability: 4

    Band Participation: 6

    Score: 16

    Broken wings are no issue when you have hair that can serve as a parachute.

    23. TNT

    PolyGram

    Volume: 5

    Flammability: 5.5

    Band Participation: 6

    Score: 16.5

    Crimps, perms, and a wig made of worms.

    22. Guns N' Roses

    Geffen Records

    Volume: 5

    Style Variety: 5

    Band Participation: 7

    Score: 17.5

    Plus one for the iconic top hat.

    21. Helix

    Capitol Records

    Volume: 6

    Flammability: 5.5

    Band Participation: 7

    Score: 18.5

    Plus one for the grandma mullet.

    20. Bon Jovi

    Mercury Records

    Volume: 6

    Flammability: 6

    Band Participation: 7

    Score: 19

    This is what One Direction would have looked like in the '80s.

    19. Winger

    Atlantic Records

    Volume: 7.5

    Flammability: 6

    Band Participation: 7

    Score: 20.5

    This is what it looks like when you blow dry a poodle.

    18. Great White

    Enigma Records

    Volume: 7

    Flammability: 7

    Band Participation: 7

    Score: 21

    Their hair is almost worse than the buzzing noise in the game "Operation." Almost.

    17. Autograph

    Cleopatra Records

    Volume: 7

    Flammability: 6.5

    Band Participation: 8

    Score: 21.5

    This is the scariest life-sized Raggedy Ann doll collection.

    16. Vixen

    EMI

    Volume: 7

    Flammability: 7

    Band Participation: 8

    Score: 22

    Because, girl power.

    15. KISS

    Casablanca Records

    Volume: 6

    Flammability: 7

    Band Participation: 10

    Score: 23

    If they didn't have the hair, they'd be just another group sticking out their tongues and caking on their makeup (read: Miley).

    14. Whitesnake

    EMI / Geffen Records

    Volume: 8.5

    Flammability: 7

    Band Participation: 9

    Score: 23.5

    There should be a support group for people scarred by their mothers dancing to Whitesnake.

    13. Stryper

    Enigma Records

    Volume: 8

    Flammability: 8

    Band Participation: 8

    Score: 24

    First, Christian glam rock was apparently a thing. Second, they have better hair than KISS. Lord have mercy.

    12. Mötley Crüe

    Elektra Records

    Volume: 8

    Flammability: 8.5

    Band Participation: 8

    Score: 24.5

    Smoldering.

    11. Dokken

    Elektra Records

    Volume: 9

    Flammability: 6

    Band Participation: 9

    Score: 25

    Enough curls to make Shirley Temple jealous.

    10. Lizzy Borden

    Metal Blade Records

    Volume: 9

    Flammability: 8

    Band Participation: 9

    Score: 26

    Lizzy Borden took an ax and gave their curls 40 whacks,

    It's too bad they stopped the fun, they could have been No. 1.

    9. RATT

    Atlantic Records

    Volume: 9

    Flammability: 8.5

    Band Participation: 9

    Score: 26.5

    So dirty. So good.

    8. Cinderella

    Mercury Records

    Volume: 9

    Flammability: 9

    Band Participation: 9

    Score: 27

    The hair only gets bigger once the clock strikes midnight.

    7. W.A.S.P.

    Capitol Records / Snapper Classics

    Volume: 9

    Flammability: 9.25

    Band Participation: 9

    Score: 27.25

    Frankenstein's wife would have been proud.

    6. Poison

    Enigma Records

    Volume: 9

    Flammability: 9.5

    Band Participation: 9

    Score: 27.5

    Kings of the "selfie" way before Instagram.

    5. Wrathchild

    Heavy Metal Records

    Volume: 9

    Flammability: 10

    Band Participation: 9

    Score: 28

    This hair is attached to the scariest looking dudes on the list. They look like the kind of guys who lived in their mothers' basements.

    4. Vain

    Island Records

    Volume: 9.75

    Flammability: 9.5

    Band Participation: 9

    Score: 28.25

    If Ariel were in a glam metal band, she would be in Vain.

    3. Tigertailz

    Combat Records

    Volume: 10

    Flammability: 9.25

    Band Participation: 10

    Score: 29.25

    Black and pink, just like your middle school wardrobe.

    2. Twisted Sister

    Secret Records

    Volume: 9.5

    Flammability: 10

    Band Participation: 10

    Score: 29.5

    Like clowns, but more terrifying.

    1. Pretty Boy Floyd

    MCA

    Volume: 10

    Flammability: 10

    Band Participation: 10

    Score: 30

    This is the hair to rule them all.

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