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The Definitive Ranking Of Hair Metal Hair

Glam on.

Posted on

This extremely scientific ranking is based on: hair volume, amount of hairspray used (flammability), and overall band participation.

33. Van Halen

Warner Bros. Records

Volume: 4

Flammability: 3

Band Participation: 2

Score: 9

There is so much unused potential here. Had the hair been slightly bigger and grittier, they could have easily earned a spot in the Top 20.

25. Steelheart

MCA Records

Volume: 6

Flammability: 4

Band Participation: 5

Score: 15

Their hair just doesn't suggest that their hearts are made of steel. It's more Nicole Kidman circa 1983.

15. KISS

Casablanca Records

Volume: 6

Flammability: 7

Band Participation: 10

Score: 23

If they didn't have the hair, they'd be just another group sticking out their tongues and caking on their makeup (read: Miley).

14. Whitesnake

EMI / Geffen Records

Volume: 8.5

Flammability: 7

Band Participation: 9

Score: 23.5

There should be a support group for people scarred by their mothers dancing to Whitesnake.

13. Stryper

Enigma Records

Volume: 8

Flammability: 8

Band Participation: 8

Score: 24

First, Christian glam rock was apparently a thing. Second, they have better hair than KISS. Lord have mercy.

10. Lizzy Borden

Metal Blade Records

Volume: 9

Flammability: 8

Band Participation: 9

Score: 26

Lizzy Borden took an ax and gave their curls 40 whacks,

It's too bad they stopped the fun, they could have been No. 1.

5. Wrathchild

Heavy Metal Records

Volume: 9

Flammability: 10

Band Participation: 9

Score: 28

This hair is attached to the scariest looking dudes on the list. They look like the kind of guys who lived in their mothers' basements.

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