17 Life Lessons I Learned By Participating In Orgies

"And if they ask, we met 'at a meeting.'"

1. You have to overcome your doubts and lack of confidence.

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"What if I don't like anybody? What if nobody likes me? What if I don't perform well? What if I need to "groom my backyard to receive guests"? How long will it last? Will the love of my life be there? If I go in naked, where do I carry the condoms? Wait, should I go in naked?"

Relax, all you need to know is that you can put the condoms in your socks. Everything else will be fine.

2. There's a whole new world to discover.

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"An orgy" that's just a simple orgy doesn't exist. They can be by age, by fetish, at houses, at clubs, at saunas, themed, by invitation, etc.

This isn't a "let's get together and have sex before the apocalypse" sort of thing. There's lots of planning, but also lots of new experiences and pleasures waiting for you.

3. People who know how to throw a good orgy are the most reliable people in the world.

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Are you having trouble connecting with a friend to go see a movie? Well, try more than five people all together in the same place at the same time (let alone matching tastes and preferences).

Some people are skilled at this type of organization, and some people aren't. But the people who can do it well have the world in their palm (or at least, an enviable ability to convince people to try something new).

4. It's an excellent workout.

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Remember all those yoga poses you learned and wondered what they'd be good for? Well, now you know. But also, orgies sometimes take place in large spaces, so you can walk around, and browse the various groups, and watch or participate, and then move on. Before you know it, you'll have hit your weekly steps goal.

5. If you can survive the awkwardness of running into that certain "someone," then that's it — you're immortal.

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some·one

ˈsəmˌwən

pronoun

1. A person of importance or authority.

2. A person you've hooked up with before, a relative of yours, your current partner's ex, your current partner, your coworker, etc.

e. g.: "That someone we ran into at the orgy presides over the mass every Sunday at my church."

6. It's a good excuse to disconnect from social media for a couple hours.

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Just a thought, you know? Maybe Aunt Martha wouldn't be thrilled to see an Instagram story of you swimming through a wave of naked human flesh.

True social media addicts (aka 90% of humanity) sometimes suffer during orgies, because often the venues' codes of conduct ask that you refrain from using phones during gatherings.

7. You have to pace yourself, so that when something really interesting goes down, you're not dead tired.

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Imagine being on the street and a unicorn playing the ukulele stops to ask you the time. You look down at your phone and it only has 1% battery left. You go for it anyway, and open up your camera, and just as you hit record, your phone dies.

That's exactly what it feels like when your body can no longer function for anything or anyone, regardless of their unfathomable beauty, or how lustfully they're looking at you.

8. You can make new friends anywhere.

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Why not? Many orgies take place in venues with bars and lounges, and you'll meet tons of new people. But good luck explaining where you know each other from to your non-orgy friends.

9. You learn to appreciate any source of light.

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You hug someone, you kiss them, you're kissing their...arm? And then their...okay, their other arm. And then...another arm? Wait. You feel a mouth on your hip, and someone grabs your thighs, and someone else grabs your feet, and then an eighth hand caresses your hair...

CAN SOMEONE TURN THE LIGHT ON? I DON'T KNOW WHO OR WHAT I'M EVEN HOOKING UP WITH ANYMORE!

10. You start to see things as one big game of Tetris.

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You just go where you fit, and wait for the big red block to smash into you.

11. You should never take rejection personally.

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There are some places where you'll be accepted, and some places where you won't. Being in an orgy is like being the silver ball in a pinball machine. You just need to go where it takes you. Respect the consensus, handle it with grace and dignity, and that's it.

Don't let it affect your ego. It's not about you, it's about the context.

12. This world is full of new (and unthinkable) practices.

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I never thought I'd see certain body parts go into certain other body parts, but with so many people and so many preferences, you're always bound to see something new.

13. Appreciate mystery.

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A person shows up, you make out with them, you have sex, and then they're gone. You'll never learn who they voted for, or what kind of music they listen to, or what they're like on Twitter...but sometimes it's for the best.

14. You have to let go of several preconceptions.

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Just make sure it's legal and consensual. Everything else? Just enjoy.

15. Be discreet, and never name names when you talk about what happened.

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Them: "Who was there?"

Me: "Me and someone else, and someone's friend, his friend, and someone else. Turns out that someone else's friend had two other people with them, and they told someone else to join."

16. You'll only ever offer to host at your place once.

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With so many people, and so much...pleasure happening, your house, your bathroom, your sheets...all of it is a mess. You need to make it clear beforehand that the participants need to help clean up before they leave. And a lot of people bring food and drinks to get-togethers, but the best advice would be to bring toilet paper. For real, at least two rolls per gathering.

17. And finally, just relax and enjoy.

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This post was translated from Spanish.