We recently asked people in the BuzzFeed Community who have gone through a divorce to tell us what they wish they had known before getting married. Here are the eye-opening results:
1. "Marriage is like living with your parents all over again... Hear me out first! It's respectful to ask your partner if they mind you getting a pet, having friends over, throwing a party, spending the night at your friend's, spending money on a concert, or blowing money on a new Coach purse. Before you get married, be sure you are ready to ask for someone's blessing for everything, once again, before you commit to a life of marriage."
—39, Texas
2. "Empty the closet before you tie the knot. Air ALL your dirty laundry. Don't let her find out you cheated after you take your vows. It tells her you didn't care enough to tell her the truth, even if you know it was a mistake. It will be in the back of her mind the rest of the time you are together for however long that may be. It also takes away her chance to get out before it's too late."
—45, Michigan
3. "Don’t get married for who you are now. Get married to someone you can see yourself growing with — for the good and the ugly. Observe every dynamic and think, Can I live with this the rest of my life? Consider family, finances, friends, and even the smallest things you think you can live with now."
"Trust me, you may think you love them now but once the wedding's over, did you want to marry them to have a wedding or did you marry them for who they’ll be when they’re 50–60 years old?"
4. "Just know and understand what this commitment actually means in practical terms. It’s a legal contract that specifies and guarantees certain rights related to finances, childcare, and healthcare decisions. The reality of marriage legally has no connection to love or religion outside of whatever emotional value you / your family or culture has chosen to assign it."
5. "You don't just marry the person. You marry their family as well. Be observant of the family dynamics, culture, and behaviors you're marrying into. If a person prioritizes their family over your relationship/union, run the other way! Red flag 🚩🚩🚩."
6. "I wish I would have known my six-figure-earning spouse was horrible with money. I wish I knew he was hiding money for a year before we split. I wish I knew he was going to try and force me to sell my mother’s childhood home and give HIM money. I wish I knew he would walk out and leave me penniless. I wish I knew I would have to sell my wedding rings for groceries. I wish I would have known financial abuse is real and horrible to get through."
7. "The relationship you have right now — before the big day, the dress, flowers, music, and the right venue — is the exact relationship you will have after the big day. If the relationship has issues, isn’t working, or has any number of red flags, WALK AWAY NOW!!! Love does not heal or solve problems. Find that one person who looks at you at your worst and still thinks they won the lottery. That is a person who will always be there and have your back. If you are with someone and are hoping that when (insert anything) happens they will change, yeah, that never happens. Love yourself first. Make yourself happy and be an independent individual."
—63, Oregon
8. "Don't get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy (aka throwing good money after bad). Just because you've spent X years in a relationship does not mean you need to stick it out — especially if you're trying to 'fix' them. You can't fix people. And don't get engaged, married, or have kids because that's what you're ~supposed to do~ after dating for a certain amount of time."
9. "I wish I had observed his family dynamics for much longer; more knowledge in that area would have probably resulted in me NOT marrying him. For me, the issues were excessive drinking, disrespect, and refusal to assist in the financial support of our household. These issues were expected and accepted in his family. Had I known them better, I would have seen the pattern and made a hasty exit."
—81, New Hampshire
10. "Don’t ever get married just because you have a child together. That should never be the sole reason. Your children don’t care if mom and dad are married. They care if they’re happy."
"Do not get married solely because you are expecting a baby or already have kids together. Do not stay together just for your kids. I promise they know; I promise they don't fully understand adult problems but they do think it's their fault. I promise they know you resent and even hate each other. They know everything and you're doing so much more harm than good. Please, PLEASE don't do this."
11. "Get a prenup even if you don’t think you have enough to justify it. Divorce becomes really messy when everyone’s emotions are involved and particularly if infidelity was involved. Having a plan you both agreed to before the divorce gives you a road map on how things should go and is likely to reduce the back-and-forth petty arguments. These are heartbreaking and will cost you money in lawyer's fees; the prenup might cost something upfront, but it could save you thousands and it also keeps the need to negotiate with your ex to the minimum."
"I could forgive the affair but I’m still raging at how my ex tried to squeeze every last penny out of me afterward during the divorce. And about how much money he cost me by just drawing everything out endlessly. If I had a prenup, though it’s not exactly completely binding, it would have legally reduced his ability to make everything as difficult as possible. If only!"
12. "A friend of mine recently went through a divorce and he wished that he didn't listen to everyone telling him that he should have been married by a certain time; it really put pressure on getting it done and over with that much faster. The gal he was dating at the time (his now ex-wife), his mother, her mother, and his friends were all pressuring him, using his age as an excuse (he was 32 at the time). He had so many little nagging voices telling him not to and he wished he had listened to those voices now."
"If it's not right, it's NOT RIGHT. No matter what your family and friends tell you, no matter what age you are, never feel like you HAVE to get married, ever."
13. "My ex was very focused on money. We met in college and that was something that attracted me to him (thinking he would be a great provider). Unfortunately, as the years went on, he began prioritizing our finances over our marriage."
"I was pressured to stay at a job that was ruining me mentally in order to pay off my student debt. (We did in one year but at the cost of my mental health and our marriage; it was a lot of money.) Overall, we both needed to grow up and figure out what it was we actually wanted in a partner — and for me, that was not him. I ended up having an affair after three and a half years together. (Again, mentally, I was in a really bad place. I will forever be ashamed of how I handled the situation.) Ultimately, I told him and it ended in divorce. As soon as it was over, I never felt freer. I didn’t realize until I was out and in a healthy relationship how much I felt neglected and unloved by my ex."
14. "Going in, I wish I'd realized the wedding is just a party. I overemphasized the wedding to the point where we spent all sorts of money, then once it was over, there was sort of a feeling of 'now what?' It's the marriage that's important, not the wedding."
—48, Canada
15. "It wasn't as much a lesson about marriage as much as it was a lesson about knowing myself — which is very, very important. I was married twice and each time I made the same mistake. I married too quickly. In each case, had I known the person six months longer, I wouldn't have gotten married because neither was suitable for me and, honestly, I tired of them quickly. I have learned that I am the type of person who needs to take my time to think things through. I simply don't process things quickly; I'm thorough but not quick. Unfortunately, I was pushed constantly while I was growing up, always being told I was too slow. That resulted in a lifetime of making bad decisions because I don't take my time."
"Nonetheless, I think one of the biggest lessons of marriage is that it's not all about you. There's another person in that marriage with opinions, feelings, and possibly different ways of doing things. I still think the key is communication — not just jabbering but real communication between the two of you — and listening. And in many cases, if you listen BEFORE you get married, you may save yourself a lot of trouble!"
—74, Ohio
16. "Red flags before your marriage are real and worsen after marriage. People describe themselves as they really are so someone who is a bad person, bad friend, bad employee, bad sibling, bad adult toward their parents in any way (selfish, mean, judgmental, controlling, messy, sexist, racist, inflexible, rude, dishonest, entitled, needy, drinker, or angry) will be all of those traits as a spouse who believes they have right to aim it at YOU."
—50, California
"If your gut had reservations about getting married even if it was at the last minute, listen because it’s a warning that you probably were ignoring all along. Love doesn’t change people; that’s a fairy tale. If he was childish and irresponsible before marriage, a spouse and kids will suffer from his shortcomings."
—Anonymous, North Carolina
17. "Know who you are first. Especially if you get married really young, you don't know who you are or who you will be. Some couples are able to grow together but in my case, after 13 years of marriage, my ex did not like the best version of myself that I was growing into."
—38, Ohio
18. "Finding out a partner's trauma and what reminds them of it before having your own child and butting heads due to ‘unforeseen issues.’ Mealtime was a big issue for my spouse and as my kids got older, he didn't talk to them! He would speak to our teenager but would never ask anything beyond 'how's your day?' and barely listened if they said anything more than 'fine.'"
—32, Chicago
19. "Don't rely on your partner financially. Make sure you have an income and a nest egg because you never know what might happen. My ex-husband developed a really severe addiction just after my son was born. He had a decent job and we'd always agreed I would stay home with the kids until they were in school, but I ended up trapped in the house with no money for diapers, a husband with a raging drug problem, and no way out. I'm blessed with parents who helped me get on my feet and now I'm remarried, but my new husband and I keep mostly separate finances except for big purchases and shared expenses."
—48, Canada
"Do not get a joint bank account and have your own money saved in case you need to get the hell out. My delightful ex couldn’t hold down a job any longer than he lasted in bed. He leeched off me and almost drove us to bankruptcy. That tight, uneasy feeling you get and those whispers of doubt, LISTEN TO THEM. It’s your innate warning system and it’s never wrong."
—46, UK
20. "Getting married won't magically stop cheaters from cheating. They'll behave the same way; they'll just also own a wedding ring."
21. "Find out if your future spouse has mental health disorders. Understand their attitude toward medication, therapy, and other tools to manage their struggles. Not only will this complicate a relationship but also many mental health struggles are genetic and your children can be affected."
—46, Massachusetts
22. "It's more giving than taking. If you can't do this, don't get married. The newness fades away quickly. Make sure you discuss views on children, politics, family, and finances, and think about whether you agree or can willingly align yourself with your spouse's views."
—53, Florida
23. "You will change and grow tremendously between the years of 18 and 25: Wait to marry. The person you are at 18 will not be the person you are at 25 and so it goes for your spouse. And just as importantly, discuss the things you want from life. Your significant other may not want the same things and I don't care how much love exists at the moment. You will need common goals and interests to thrive in a marriage."
—57, Arkansas
24. "Fight for what is yours. If your divorce is contested by your spouse, know that it will take a VERY long time to get what's yours (house, retirement, etc.). Make sure you have a plan on what you'll do if things get scary (where you'll go with your kids, etc.) and SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF! While a lawyer is expensive, make sure you have one on YOUR side."
"I.e., if you're using a mediator for your divorce, have a different attorney who's not affiliated with your mediator and read over your agreements/decrees before signing."
—51, USA
25. "The family friend, the innocent meddler. Watch out when their innuendos come true! Go with your gut and set boundaries early in life! It's always the innocent ones."
—57, New Jersey
26. "Identify the void you're trying to fill and learn how to do so yourself. No one makes it to adulthood without some kind of trauma; though, most of us don't realize. I know I married too young and too quickly, because I needed stability and security. I had to wade through a lot of BS before I learned that was why I made some of the decisions I did and learned how to provide for myself."
—38, Georgia
27. "The quote 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them' sums it up best. Marriage doesn’t actually change anything about the relationship. If they don’t respect you, lie, cheat, and drain you emotionally and financially, making it permanent isn’t going to make it suddenly better. Pay attention to red flags and your friends' opinions. Fight for your relationship if you want, go to counseling, etc. But if the trust is gone, don’t be afraid to admit when it’s over. In the long run, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone."
—39, Canada
28. "If someone says they’re divorced when you start dating and then you find out several months in that they’re not actually divorced yet, RUN. It was the first in a long line of omissions that eventually ended the relationship."
—47, USA
29. "Look very closely at how your intended treats their mother. It will show you how you will be treated. And discuss at length who will do what, how will children affect your lives, who will handle money, etc. But most of all, think about the impact a divorce will have on your children and try your best to find a way to forgive and heal because even when you think you know, you don't."
—53, Georgia
30. "Make sure you talk about how you want your major future plans to go and how your S.O. feels about flexibility. Big things like having kids, moving, changing careers, religion, etc. You’d be surprised at how often people just assume their S.O. has the same plans."
—34, Florida
31. "You absolutely need to maintain contact with the people who knew you before you got married. They are the ones who will tell you how you are doing if you lose yourself in a horrible situation and they will be the ones to help you if you decide to leave."
—58, USA
32. "You’re a team, for better or worse. I joined the military thinking I’d spend 20 years in and retire. Being married at a young age, my spouse had other ideas. Moving around caused some animosity, which would eventually lead to our divorce."
—38, Arizona
And finally...
33. "Love, as much as it's a feeling, is also a choice. The part that is important about your choice is to make sure the person is willing to do the same back. That they choose to work with you and are willing. Marriage is work. Marriage is not a JOB."
"Before my divorce, for seven years, I personally took seminars, read books, did interviews with long-term married couples, listened to podcasts, studied books on romance and love languages, and read and studied sex books as I thought they would all be helpful. The whole thing was one-sided for years. I asked and begged her to go to counseling and therapy, and she didn't want to. I came to understand that in her eyes, the fear of our relationship being judged or possibly broken or asking for help was scary for her. I myself reminded her that it was important to focus on us and together, we could do anything. The same has to be given by both sides. Talking and communication are important and also don't get family involved in arguments or disagreements; they are all one-sided and not impartial."
—40, Florida
If you've been through a divorce, what do you wish you knew before you got married? Let us know in the comments below.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.