Zach Galifianakis And Kristen Wiig's Real-Life Legal Advice Is All You'll Ever Need

"You're allowed to defecate on someone else's lawn if their dog has done it to yours."

Macey J. Foronda / Alice Mongkongllite / BuzzFeed

When it comes to legal issues, Zach Galifianakis And Kristen Wiig have ALL the answers. The stars of Masterminds sat down with BuzzFeed to answer some real-life law questions and, ehh, talk about poop. But seriously, they REALLY like talking about poop.

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What's the best way to get out of a parking ticket? — Jordan, 25

BuzzFeed

Kristen Wiig: Put it on someone else's windshield because they'll pay it — they won't look at the number. They'll just pay it and think they got it.

Zach Galifianakis: I know that sounded like a joke, but that is a great idea. Have you done that before?

KW: No!

My neighbor's dog keeps going to the bathroom on my lawn and I want to take legal action. Any advice? — Karen, 38

BuzzFeed

KW: Do scarecrows work for dogs?

ZG: They work for dogs, but not for dog crap. If they have a dog, I think you want to do Martial Law quid pro quo with that one, or do it themselves to the neighbor.

KW: You mean...

ZG: Defecate. I'm following the law — that's not advice. That's the California law. I don't know what state you're talking about, but that's California law. You're allowed to defecate on someone else's lawn if their dog has done it to yours.

KW: It makes sense.

ZG: Verbatim, quoting it.

What is the best way to speed up my divorce? — Darryl, 42

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KW: Well, what's takin' so long? The courts, ya know? [sighs] Just get married again!

ZG: Again, just defecate in the yard.

I invented something and someone else copied it. Legally, what are my options? — Steven, 31

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ZG: I had the same problem when I came up with the DivaCup. Do you know what that is?

KW: No! Is it for like, does it go in you?

ZG: Not me, but yes.

I used a brand of shampoo and now my hair is falling out. Should I get a lawyer? — Mariella, 34

BuzzFeed

ZG: Well you can't blame it on the shampoo — it can be a lot of things! It can be stress, it can be...

KW: Someone could have tampered with your shampoo. Do you have a pesky little sister?

I started talking to a girl on Tinder, but it ended up being a 50-year-old man. Can I take legal action? — Nathan, 23

BuzzFeed

KW: I don't think you can take legal action, I think maybe you just have to...uhh. Can we go back to the defecating? Find out where [he] lives? Make a sign with like, a toothpick in it and put it in the feces that says, "Get off Tinder, you fake."

ZG: That seems about right. That's what I was gonna say.

Let's say you had a law firm together — what would you call it?

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Make sure to check out Zach and Kristen's new movie Masterminds in theaters on September 30!

Glen Wilson / Relativity Studios

Glen Wilson / Relativity Studios