Hi! I'm Lauren, and I've never watched any episodes from any of the 327 iterations of the Real Housewives franchise. But, there's now a Real Housewives of Toronto, so I sat down to take in the first three episodes.
And let me tell you, I was not prepared — emotionally or otherwise — for what was to come. Spoilers ahead!
EPISODE ONE
1. We're opening with a montage of Yorkville, Toronto's swankiest neighbourhood. Okay, sure, I get it, money, etc.
2. There’s already a crying montage. I can't do this.
3. “Money makes you well known,” says one of them, even though I — a lifelong Toronto resident — have no idea who any of these women are.
4. Nice touch on the maple leaf on the logo, though.
5. Roxy — the young "new money" one — is already the most relatable. Plus she has a great dog named Lola and a husband named Raghu.
6. Lola definitely has a better diet and life and probably future than I do.
7. Roxy doesn’t even wash her own hair, she is living THE DAMN LIFE.
8. Wait, all of these women have jobs. These are NOT HOUSEWIVES.
9. This should be "Real Rich Ladies With Nice Clothes And Maybe Tasteful Lip Fillers of Toronto."
10. Ann's husband is an ex-hockey player, I guess we’ve established this is a Canadian show. Cool cool.
11. “I’m a Jesus freak and my best friend was born in a manger," says the next introduction: Kara. I am nicknaming her Christian Mingle.
12. Christian Mingle thinks people think Christians “all wear Birkenstocks and have hairy armpits." UM HONEY NO. You're thinking of lesbians. And we rock that shit.
13. DAMN. Jana trains the fucking Detroit Redwings and isn't married. YOU ARE NOT A HOUSEWIFE. NONE OF YOU ARE HOUSEWIVES. WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW?
14. The crux of this episode is a “procedure party” which I know is about plastic surgery or whatever but is just the most tedious possible name for a party.
15. Literally nothing has happened so far.
16. Oh okay, the drama is Kara had a bad procedure from the doctor hosting the party — Ann's husband — 15 years ago. A "face hickey" from microdermabrasion, apparently.
17. “I have no patience for gossip,” says Christian Mingle, the most gossipy woman so far.
18. “I’m sure they’ve forgotten about it, it was 15 years ago,” Roxy tells her. Girl, I’ve forgotten about it and it was 15 seconds ago.
19. OF COURSE HE DIDN'T REMEMBER YOU KARA, IT WAS 15 YEARS AGO. LIKE, DAMN.
20. Grego dropped a glass and somehow, somehow, the shards flew into the air and cut Christian Mingle's leg. That's not how physics works. I am suspicious.
21. That’s it. That’s the episode.
EPISODE TWO
22. We’ve spent several minutes talking about what goes into Roxy’s smoothie. What am I doing with my life.
23. Actually I feel like this whole show is manipulating me to either like or dislike women, and I really hate that, because it's working.
24. Approximately 90% of the dialogue is them talking about whether or not they like each other.
25. OH DEAR LORD we are still talking about the party from last week, which was boring enough the first time around. Move on, ladies.
26. One of the blonde one’s has a very Canadian accent, especially on “out." I cannot as of yet tell the blondes apart, so we'll call her Blonde One.
27. “Every time we kiss, we kiss and hold for 10 seconds," says Christian Mingle. THEN THEY SHOW THE WHOLE 10 SECONDS.
28. THIS IS LIKE THOSE VIRGIN NEWLYWEDS ALL OVER AGAIN.
29. Holy shit, we are still talking about the 15 years ago face hickey thing that didn’t end up being a thing the first time around.
30. This show doesn’t need recaps at the beginning, the whole episode is them recapping the last episode.
31. Kara’s husband seems nice. He has a kind face, like a pumpkin.
32. Roxy is telling Ann about the microdermabrasion, and the “face hickey." OH GOSH I wonder how this will turn out. It'll never come up again, I’m sure.
33. I started playing Candy Crush on my phone and legit zoned out. When I looked up they were still drinking wine and talking shit, so I don't think I missed much.
34. We’re halfway into the episode, and they’re STILL TALKING ABOUT THE PARTY FROM THE LAST EPISODE.
35. Jana (Blonde Two?) has a Yoga company called "Joga," which is culturally appropriative but also the name of my favourite Bjork song.
36. Christian Mingle asked Roxy to go for a dog walk and has now angrily ambushed her about the "face hickey" thing. She legit used the phrase, "I call it speaking truth with love." LOL okay.
37. Christian Mingle says Roxy is being a bad "corporate wife" but Roxy shoots back on the confession cam with: "I’m not a corporate wife, I’m actually corporate." FUCK YES GIRL, GET IT.
38. Now Ann and Christian Mingle are meeting… to talk about the face hickey.
39. This show is the procedure party.
40. The time is 10:31 p.m. and it has occurred to me that maybe this would be more enjoyable with a bottle of wine, so I have opened one. It’s… red? The bottle just says “red wine” but it has a cork so it must be good.
[Pours first glass of wine.]
41. My girl Roxy is throwing a tequila party. She didn't invite Christian Mingle, but she should have invited me.
42. Ann and a Blonde say neither of them are wearing underwear to Roxy’s party and I already like them more. I feel like Christian Mingle would not appreciate it.
43. “Unless your vagina is hanging out underneath your skirt, why should you have to wear underwear?” asks Ann, sagely.
44. Roxy named a drink after herself and I fucking love that.
45. Someone asks where Kara is, the drama music starts, SO OH BOY HOLD ON.
[Pours second glass of wine.]
46. They. Are. Still. Talking. About. Kara’s. Face. Hickey. Please. Stab. Me. Starting. With. My. Ears.
47. WAIT I’VE FIGURED OUT THE BLONDES. THE WINE WORKED. Jana has Joga (I get it now) and killer arms, Joan has longer hair and great eyebrows.
48. They’re going to have a “dog party,” hosted by Joan, in Muskoka. Shit, I need to keep watching. Love dogs.
49. Oh, no. It's a "dock party." Boo.
50. “I don’t mean to bring it back to Kara again,” says Joan, a summary of this entire goddamn show.
51. “I’m seriously done talking about Kara,” says Joan, the woman who literally just brought up Kara.
52. THAT WAS THE WHOLE EPISODE.
EPISODE THREE
[Pours third glass of wine.]
53. First distinct flash of Holt Renfrew shopping bags, take a shot.
54. “Lavelle is the chicest patio in the city,” says Roxy. I, however, was once hit on by a man on a patio who walked all the way over from the Hooters across the street, so what does she know.
55. “Muskoka is the Hamptons of Toronto,” says Roxy, which, while true, doesn’t say much, other than it’s a place that hates all the people who come there on nice weekends and throw obnoxious parties.
56. I assume. I’ve never been. Whatever, not bitter or anything.
57. Joan owns an island. AN ISLAND. AN ENTIRE DISTINCT PIECE OF LAND. Damn.
58. ANOTHER PROCEDURE PARTY FLASHBACK COULD WE NOT.
59. Christian Mingle's children call her macca smoothie “boner smoothie” and honestly I'm shook. (Note to self: google "macca" later.)
60. “To hear the word boner come out of her mouth completely surprised me.” Same, Jana. Same.
61. AHAHAHAH Jana just mentioned the tequila party Christian Mingle wasn't invited to, and now that I’m almost done wine #3, I find this very funny.
62. I’ve changed.
[Pours fourth glass of wine.]
63. Ann is getting a fishing vest and wader boots tailored and I assume we’re supposed to judge her for that but no, you do you, Ann.
64. I'm pretty sure she's at the tailor that hemmed my university graduation dress. I now feel so much closer to her. Basically sisters.
65. “Calling it a cottage is a stretch,” Kara says, of her “cottage” that sleeps 20. Which sounds about right since the last cottage I stayed in was basically a shack that I vomited on parts of.
66. Ann meets Roxy for coffee at Quantum, down the street from BuzzFeed's Toronto office. It looks empty so the hipster coder bros must've been cleared out for the shoot.
67. I just got excited when they played the "incoming drama" music. Blaming wine.
68. Kara asked Roxy if she’d found a Muskoka hotel room, meaning she's no longer invited to Casa Christian Mingle. OOOoooHHHhhhhh. Roxy now has to find accommodation “in prime cottage season." THE HORROR.
69. I’m now shouting at the TV. Again, blaming wine.
70. Done wine four, should I have another? Haha, just kidding friend — we’re friends now — I'm pouring another.
[Pours fifth glass of wine.]
71. OK HOLD UP, Christian Mingle just said she bought scrubs and a stethoscope and got to be a triage nurse in South America with no training? What in the actual fuck. SOMEONE INVESTIGATE THIS WOMAN FOR FRAUD AND/OR MEDICAL ETHICS VIOLATIONS.
72. This show is making Kara out to be a big, dumb meanie and how am I to know if that’s even fair. Maybe she's nice.
73. Nah, she mean.
74. Now they’re FLYING from Toronto to Muskoka which is probably the bougiest thing they’ve done so far.
75. Ann is freaking out which is, once again, relatable. While Roxy is taking selfies, also relatable. Joga Jana is giving Ann breathing exercises, less relatable. They really have their characters down though, gotta say.
76. “You know Gucci makes flip flops,” says Roxy, as I laugh, a laugh that slowly turns sad, mournful. I bought my flip flops on sale at Old Navy about 10 years ago.
77. They’re trying to figure out what to wear to the dock party, and I’m just thinking about what I’d wear to a dog party. Leggings and closed-toe shoes, probably.
78. They’re talking about how “treacherous” it is to wear heels on docks and boats, and I’m nodding empathetically like I know. (I don't know.)
79. Is money the only thing separating me from these people? If I were suddenly rich tomorrow, would I be Roxy?
80. I’d rather be Roxy than Christian Mingle, that’s for sure.
81. They lied and told Roxy her outfit isn’t see through and I cackled. LIKE A WITCH.
[Pours rest of wine into my glass.]
82. We’re 32 minutes into the episode and the dock and/or dog party hasn’t even fucking happened
83. I’m now shouting at the screen every few minutes and my roommate says, “that’s what they want you to do,” and I’m honestly resentful. Because she is right.
84. OK FINALLY THE FUCKING DOCK PARTY.
85. They’re drunk. I’m drunk. I feel so close to them right now.
86. OMG KARA AND ROXY ARE MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE ANGRY DOG WALK.
87. WHY AM I SO INVESTED.
88. HOW WAS I SO EASILY SWAYED INTO CARING ABOUT THESE BORING PEOPLE.
89. WHO AM I.
90. Roxy looks great!!!!!!!
91. Kara is announcing another party, which, because I am such a whip smart person, I can tell will be the topic of the next episode.
92. Her party is also on Roxy’s birthday which, how dare she. And wait — I actually may want to watch episode four?
93. Ann isn't feeling well and Kara keeps saying she needs something cold at the “brain stem” and I'm like, what?
94. "YOU WEREN'T A REAL NURSE," I shriek at the TV, into the dark nothingness before me.
95. "WAIT IS THAT IT," I scream. It’s just a commercial break. I'm okay.
96. I’m now cackling out loud every minute or so, holding my wine glass out like a starlet in a noir film, and it feels great. Oh these silly women and their silly problems, ahahahhaa.
97. Now it’s bikinis and skinny dip time, tastefully set to audio-only over a beautiful aerial shot of the cottage and I’m left wanting more.
98. More wine, that is.
99. Call me, Roxy.