Hi world, Lara here, and in case you have not yet heard I am single, and on dating apps.
During my time on dating apps and on the dating scene in general over the last 10 years of my life, I have come across many men, with many different names. And I have thoughts about a lot of them. So I decided to compose my thoughts into this list of the most common male names (according to Google lol), and what it's like to date men with these names.
I literally googled "most common male names in America" to find these names, and this is the list I referenced from. It's 100% not an accurate representation of America's male population as a whole, but it's all we've got for the purpose of this post. Also, sorry in advance if your name is Tyler. :///
Are you READY??? HERE WE GO.
1. Adam
Adam is cool for the most part, but will leave you wondering where you stand because his texts are usually 1-3 words or "Lol." He's not a very good texter, but he's better in person. He's definitely more of an "I'm not into labels" guy and not a "I'm looking to settle down." Good at making out.
2. Alex
Alex will ask you about your hopes and dreams and then not respond to your text for a week straight. Alex is unpredictable. They excite you, but also leave you wondering where you stand. And they rarely post Instagram stories so you can't even tell if they're actually too busy to respond, or they're just ignoring your texts because they like to put forth minimal effort.
3. Andrew
Andrew will take you by surprise. You'll want to write him off at first, but as you continue to talk you'll see that Andrew is the kinda guy that will say he'll text you later, then actually text you. He may use "lol" too much, or text like your grandma at times, but Andrew will also respond to your text before watching your Instagram story 93% of the time. And for that, we are grateful.
4. Austin
Austin will break your heart, but the lead up will feel so damn good you almost forget about it after and want it again and again. Austin will be attentive over text and make plans to meet up without cancelling them. Then, out of nowhere, he will ghost the fuck out of you and you'll want to hate him but won't be able to because, well, it was so fun while it lasted.
5. Ben
Ben will get into your head and your heart by sending you funny memes on Instagram and over text. You'll think he's just sending them to you, that you two have a special connection, but then one day you'll realize he's sending them to 19 of his "closest friends." Ben will like every thirst trap you post, but the second you start talking about a bad day on your Instagram story, he'll click out and stop watching. Emotionally unavailable for the most part, but we keep trying anyway, because damn Ben is good in bed.
6. Brandon
Brandon loves to call you "babe." It's unclear if this is because he actually likes you, or because he has forgotten your name. Brandon wears way too much athletic apparel, but we overlook it when he chooses to don his grey sweatpants. Brandon will not respond to your text for 72 hours straight, but the second you take longer than an hour to respond to his text, he will double text you.
7. Chris
Chris is the real deal once he hits his late 20s. He wants to date, will text you every day, and would definitely take extremely hot Instagram photos of you WITHOUT YOU ASKING HIM TO. Not always great at responding to texts, but makes up for it in pretty much every other way. Good job, Chris.
8. Daniel
Dan, or Daniel, is just...there. You'll text him when you're bored, he'll give you small amounts of attention, and then you'll mostly forget about him until the next time you're drunk and sad about your ex. Then you'll text Daniel and have a decent makeout session with him. You'll enjoy yourself, but not enough to remember his last name. I'm sorry, Daniel.
9. Dustin
Dustin, Dustin, Dustin...boy you are good at texting, aren't you? He'll make you laugh over text and you'll smile when his name appears on your phone. But he doesn't even have your number saved. He's charming as hell, but he's charming nine other girls at the same time. Definitely knows what he's doing in the bedroom, but that's because he's practicing on nine different girls at once. And that's fine, but he's not gonna tell you that. He's gonna say he's "never met someone like you before."
10. Eli
Eli will call his mom while he's with you and when she asks what he's doing, he'll tell her he's with you, which will make you think he's serious about you. But he's not. And his mom knows this. He'll let you borrow a sweatshirt when you're at his apartment hanging out. Then, the next day, he'll text you. You'll think it's because he wants to see you again. But he's just asking for his sweatshirt back. Don't give it back.
11. Eric
Eric will knock you on your ass. He will come in hot out of left field and infiltrate your thoughts. He won't shy away from talking about the future, in fact, he'll encourage it. And at first, because this is a straight dude we're talking about, you'll be hesitant. But, after some time, you'll give in and you'll start to discuss the future with him as well. As soon as you give in, it's not as fun for Eric anymore, and Eric will contract temporary amnesia and forget that he is the one who brought you to this point and leave you there stranded. Goddamnit, Eric. Isn't this what you wanted?
12. Ethan
You met Ethan on vacation and thought you were gonna be like Danny and Sandy in Grease. But instead, you just hooked up on the beach, got sand in places you never wanna have sand again, and literally never heard from him again. You occasionally look at his Instagram, but he doesn't upload very often so you have no idea what happened to Ethan. It's for the best.
13. Greg
FUCKIN' GREG!!! Greg will absolutely lead you on. He will talk with you about the future, while lightly caressing your back and sharing his hopes and dreams with you. Then you won't hear from him again until two weeks later when he's plastered and texts you at 2 a.m. asking if he can come over. Greg sucks. But Greg is very good at going down on you. What's a girl to do?
14. Jake (Jacob)
Jakes are usually ok. They are kind of boring to text, and sometimes take literal days to respond, but they are decent in person, and are pretty giving in the bedroom. You'll end up seeing them for six months without even realizing and then you'll have to ask yourself, "Do I want to date Jake?" The answer is usually no, but because he doesn't do anything particularly shitty, you'll have a hard time coming to that conclusion.
15. Joe or Joseph
Joe is attractive, which is why you're in this predicament in the first place. Cares a lot about his mom, which makes you think he will care about you, too. But he won't. Joe will pretend to care about what you have to say, but he isn't listening. And in the morning when you call an Uber to GTFO of his messy bedroom that has sheets that look like they haven't been washed in two years, he won't even open his eyes to say goodbye to you.
16. John
John, John, John. John is well-read, loves texting paragraphs, and will respond to texts in a timely manner. He'll like every single thing you do on social media. Because of this, you'll think you've hit the jackpot until you realize that John only ever talks about...John. After the fifth day in a row hearing about the app John wants to start that he's sure is "going to change the world" you delete his number and never look back.
17. Josh
Josh will absolutely shatter you. But you won't see it coming. Josh is reliable at first. Josh loves taking you on adventures. Josh always plans the dates, and he plans good dates. Then, one day, out of nowhere, Josh will disappear. You'll feel sad about it for weeks. And then years later, Josh will come up on a dating app. You'll swipe right because you've always wondered, and you'll match. You'll make a joke about having been down this road before, and he won't remember you or understand the reference at first. Josh is the worst.
18. Justin
Justin will put the effort in. He will text you constantly, make plans to meet up, watch The Hills with you, and you'll think it's going somewhere. Then you'll decide to hook up, and you'll realize that Justin doesn't give effort in the bedroom. You'll write it off as a fluke in your head. But after the third or fourth time, you admit defeat, and give up on Justin.
19. Kevin
Fucking Kevin. Kevin is very cute, but not so cute that you immediately write him off. But there's your first mistake. Kevin will charm your literal pants off and then stay up with you all night talking and telling you about the time he cried when he lost his mom in Walmart when he was five years old. You'll fall for him, hard, because you'll think he's opening up to you emotionally. But you'll soon find out that he's just using you as a therapist because he's too proud to get his own. Kevin, for the sake of us all, get a goddamn therapist.
20. Kyle
Kyle will blow your phone up the first 48 hours of you two talking. You'll text constantly. You'll share memes. You'll talk about dinosaurs, peanut butter, and the best sauces you can get at Chick-fil-A. Then, suddenly, you'll never hear from him again. Where did Kyle go? What is Kyle doing?
21. Luke
Luke is so good at what he does. He will send you paragraphs over text, ask you how your day was, and lightly rub your knee with his thumb while you're out getting drinks. He'll make sure you're satisfied in and out of the bedroom and then hit you with the "oh I'm not looking for anything serious" after three months of constant communication. Luke, we love you...but mostly, we fucking hate you.
22. Matt
Matt will invite you over to hang out at his place on a Friday night. You'll put your best bra and underwear set on, because you think you're gonna chill on the couch watching a movie, making out. But when you show up, you find out that Matt has invited four of his college roommates to hang out and play cards. You will then sit there awkwardly as Matt and his friends from college play cards until 2 a.m. When 2 a.m. rolls around, he takes you up to his bedroom that has empty bottles of vodka sitting on shelves. The sex is good, but not good enough for you to ignore the empty bottles of vodka used as decor. You call an Uber at 4:45 a.m. and try to never think of this night again.
23. Mike or Michael
Mike/Michael will drink three glasses of whiskey within the first hour of your date. You'll be enjoying yourself for the most part, so at first you don't notice. Then he'll bring up movies and when you tell him you've never seen Fight Club he'll spend the next 45 minutes explaining the movie's plot to you in depth. You'll be so annoyed that you want to go home, but then he'll rub the small part of your back and you'll think, "Eh, what the hell? Let's make out." Good at making out, bad at almost everything else. And still didn't even convince you to watch Fight Club.
24. Nathan
Nathan thinks you are his therapist. Nathan doesn't know how to talk about his emotions, so he will text you about how stressed he is at work and how overwhelmed he feels. Because you're a nice person, you'll be there for him. You will convince yourself that him opening up to you means something. But it doesn't. Nathan will text you about how stressed he is almost every day, but the second you bring up something that is stressing YOU out, he'll suddenly be "too tired" and go to bed. Nathan, go to therapy and stop texting us.
25. Nick
Nick is all about "having a good time." Nick doesn't wanna talk about emotions. Nick just wants to get a drink and hanggggg outtttt man. Nick will call you babe, hold your hand, grab you and pull you close to him in the middle of the night, but will look at you like you're insane if you ask him if he's seeing anyone else.
26. Noah
Noah has potential. Noah makes you laugh. You wanna date Noah. But Noah is emotionally unavailable, and isn't sure what he wants. Because you like him, and like spending time with him, you'll pretend that this is ok. But it isn't. Because you do know what you want. And it's someone who knows what they want — and what they want is you.
27. Ryan
Ryan thinks he's a good dude. Ryan will be "honest" with you about how he's feeling, and what he's looking for, but his actions will say something completely different. Then, when you can't deal with the back and forth anymore, you'll end it. And Ryan will act like it was all on you, and that he had no part in it. GROW UP, RYAN.
28. Seth
Seth is a charmer. And his style is impeccable. Seth will make you laugh so much you'll almost forget that he is alwayssss up in that Instagram discovery liking photos of bikini models. Sure, there's nothing wrong with that, but Seth isn't the serious guy looking for someone to fall in love with that he pretends he is. And the sooner you realize that, the better.
29. Steven (any spelling)
Steven will sweep you off your feet with his banter and ability to be a good listener. Then, just when you think you've found a good one, he'll hit you with the "wow, you're actually really funny for a girl" and you'll have to delete his number.
30. Tom
Tom loves to tell you how great he thinks you are. And he means it. But Tom does not have his shit together. And when you actually need Tom to step up to the plate and commit to you in ANY way, whether it's committing to a plan on a Thursday night, or committing in a relationship — Tom can't do it. You'll give Tom 19 different chances before you realize that you just can't do it anymore. Tom, we're rooting for you.
31. Tyler
Oh, Tyler. GODDAMNIT, TYLER. Tyler will hold your hand in public, introduce you to his friends after a week of dating, text you "good morning beautiful" every day for a week and then stop responding to your texts for days at a time. You will eventually grow tired of his shit and delete his number only to notice that he still watches every. single. Instagram. story. you. post. What the fuck is your deal, Tyler?
32. Will
Will is sweeeeeeet. Will wants to hear about your day. Will asks you in-depth questions about your job, and actually listens when you answer them. Will tells you how he feels, and actually means it. You'll be so taken aback by Will that you won't know what to do at first. But I'll tell you what to do — make out with Will. Let Will make you dinner.
33. Zach/Zac/Zack???
First of all, why are there so many different spellings of the name Zach? Second of all, why have I dated one of each? Moving on. Zach is suave as hell. He will make you laugh constantly. He will give you attention. He will make you feel special. And then, one week, you won't hear from him for a few days. You'll go to his Instagram and look at his tagged photos. You'll see that he was tagged in a photo yesterday...with his new GIRLFRIEND.