1. Don't speak up in meetings.
2. If someone takes credit for your idea — let them! You don't want to cause any controversy.
3. Always make sure to use exclamation points when communicating on a social medium like email or Gchat! Otherwise, a very sensitive and emotional man might think you're mad at him. :(
4. In fact, maybe don't even communicate by using words anymore. Just send smiley face after smiley face so that no one can think you're being combative.
5. And use lots of emojis. Even if you don't like emojis — use them anyway. All of the time.
6. Make sure you always look professional.
7. But don't wear anything that shows off your body!!! We can't expect men to concentrate when a woman's forearms are being shown off every day.
8. Oh, but you can't wear pants. Burn all of your pants. WOMEN DO NOT WEAR PANTS. What is this, 2017?
9. Basically, just wear a burlap sack to work but make sure it's long enough that it covers any exposed skin. Your ankles are way too distracting.
10. When you start your period, pretend like you're not in excruciating pain and bleeding from your vagina. Those meetings you have lined up are MUCH more important than your well-being!
11. Because we all know that if men were bleeding out of their penises they definitely wouldn't miss that meeting!!! So you can't either.
12. Oh, and don't even *think* about mentioning your time of the month to your boss. You must pretend it does not exist. Even though he is 55 years old and was created because a woman had her period, HE CANNOT KNOW THAT PERIODS EXIST.
13. And when you need to go to the bathroom to change that overflowing tampon? You can't just carry a tampon in your hand, make sure you take your entire purse with you so that you can prevent anyone's virgin eyes in the office from glimpsing a tampon wrapper.
14. Always wear a full face of makeup, making sure to cover those under eye circles. You don't want to offend anyone by looking tired.
15. But don't wear too much makeup, that can be a distraction.
16. And don't bother trying to ask someone what the happy medium between appropriate makeup and non-appropriate makeup is. Figure it out on your own.
17. Also be sure to make sure your high heels aren't too high. People WILL notice, and they won't like it.
18. Always laugh at everything your male colleagues say. Laugh at their same joke about Mondays even after the 97th Monday in a row. Laugh even when it physically pains you to laugh because they are so unfunny.
19. But don't try to tell any jokes of your own. Remember: Women are not funny.
20. If you experience any kind of microaggression, simply brush it aside. This is just part of working in an office!
21. Don't even think about telling HR about that guy who gives you unexpected back rubs, even if you feel uncomfortable. He's trying to be nice to you! He's definitely not crossing any personal boundaries and being fucking creepy.
22. In fact, don't ever speak up if you feel uncomfortable in a situation. You don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt, do you?
23. Spend so much time worrying about how other people feel that you leave no time to be concerned with your own personal feelings.
24. And when your company gives you an opportunity to do MORE work for NO MORE PAY? Take it!!
25. When asking for a raise, make sure it's never mentioned how much more your male counterparts make. This could hurt their feelings and cause unnecessary tension.
26. Actually, who are we kidding, don't ask for a raise!
27. When a male co-worker talks down to you and tries to explain how to copy and paste a paragraph in Microsoft Word. Just smile!
28. When a male co-worker says something sexually suggestive or inappropriate have a goddamn sense of humor and laugh about it! Don't be so uptight. It's not like women are sexually assaulted on the regular.
29. Next time you're having a bad day, make sure you smile throughout the whole day. You don't want anyone to think you're PMSing or something! Gross.
30. Make sure you apologize constantly. Especially when you aren't even sorry!
31. And above all else, keep in mind that you can't really succeed. Not yet. Because no matter what you do, there's a chance that you'll still be paid less than your male co-workers. Oh well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Note: This post is meant to reflect the experiences of many cisgender women, though we realize it can also apply to trans and nonbinary people as well.