Hi world, Lara and Pablo here, and in case you have not yet heard, we are very single and we both text a lot of different men. Support us.
During our time on dating apps and on the dating scene in general over the last decade, we have come across many men, with many different names. And because we have to text these men, we decided to compose our thoughts into this list of the most common male names (according to this list we found on Google lol), and what it's like to text the men who have these names. Enjoy! (Except you, Greg.)
1. Adam
Adam loves to start a conversation, but never bothers to ask how you're doing. Hell, he still doesn't even know your last name. The only thing he loves more than talking about himself is never using emojis and ending every sentence with a period so that it seems like he's always mad.
2. Alex
It's hard to tell if Alex is dead or alive at any given moment because he will take your conversation to its climax and then drop off the face of the Earth for two whole weeks. You'll tell yourself you deserve better, but then respond to his late text .02 seconds after he sends it because he's better than 98% of other men.
3. Andrew
Andrew will say "hahaha" to texts that weren't even funny, but that's only because he likes to put forth bare minimum effort to keep the conversation going. He's the kind of guy who'll text you to ask if you got home safely, but not respond for days after you tell him you did.
4. Austin
Austin will send you sweet texts and make you feel like you matter. He understands your special kind of humor and will always be the one to text you first. That is, until he ghosts you for no reason. You'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say, "Maybe he just got busy," but then will see him post an Instagram story of himself watching The Office for the 200th time and realize that he did have the time to text you, but chose not to. Goddamnit, Austin.
5. Ben
Ben is gooooood at sexting. I mean, really good. So when he texts at 9:30 p.m. every night, your ass is responding. One day you will realize that you are one of many people he is sexting on a weekly basis and at first...your feelings will be hurt. But then he'll make you feel things and you'll forget about your shitty day at work and vow to never ghost him again.
6. Brandon
Brandon will create an entire narrative with you and text you nightly until he gets bored, ignores you for nine months, and then texts you at 11 p.m. one night and says, "Hey what's up 😜," pretending like no time has passed at all. Get out of our lives, Brandon.
7. Chris
Chris well text you paragraphs and use emojis sparingly, but then will react with a heart to one of your more clever texts and you'll be left wondering what the hell went wrong until he sends his next paragraph.
8. Daniel
Daniel fucking looooooves to type in incomplete sentences. He loves to send 400 different text bubbles at once, which together make a full sentence. He doesn't even make sense half the time. But once you see him in person, you're drawn back in. Daniel just sucks at texting.
9. David
David will respond to your "How is your day going?" text 72 hours later and let you know his day was fine, as if you even care at that point. You could text David an entire paragraph about what you're working on, and he'll "respond" by reacting to your text with a thumbs up. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, DAVID?
10. Dustin
Dustin fucking loooooves the cry face emoji and responds to over 50% of the things you text with it. Like, TYPE WORDS???? And yeah, you're funny...but you're not *that* funny. Get a new emoji, Dustin.
11. Eli
Eli will tell you to smile more if you say you're feeling down and send a kissy heart emoji as a way to show he "cares." You won't hear from him for weeks at a time, but he will always text you after you upload a hot pic on Insta. Always.
12. Ethan
Ethan will send you a text that says, "Hey, where did you go? :)" when you don't respond after an hour. Even though Ethan has ghosted you on more than one occasion, the second you find yourself ACTUALLY LVING YOUR LIFE and unable to be on your phone, he can't handle it. Get a grip, Ethan.
13. Greg
We should all stop texting Greg. Greg will leave you on read for days at a time. You could text Greg and say, "hey, my dog just died. I'm having a really hard time," and Greg will text back 17 days later and say "aw."
14. Jake/Jacob
Jake looooooves to present an opposing viewpoint no matter what you are talking about. You could text him and say, "It's so nice out today!" Jake will respond by saying, "Actually, last year this time the weather was better. It's definitely nice-ish, though." GET A HOBBY, JAKE!!
15. Joe/Joseph
Joe loooooves to text you paragraph after paragraph about how shitty his day at work was because he spilled coffee on himself. But the second you text him and say, "Damn, I had a shitty day at work..." Joe will disappear. Joe only wants to text about himself. Get a therapist, Joe.
16. John
John loooooves to react to texts. He will heart, thumbs-up, and "haha" every text you ever send. But when it comes down to actually carrying on any sort of conversation over text? John can't do it. John can only react.
17. Josh
You love texting Josh. He'll send you GIFs from 2012 that aren't funny anymore, but you appreciate his effort anyway, because Josh is genuine. Josh will tell you about his day, but he'll also ask you about yours. Even though you have no idea where you and Josh stand, you're still gonna text him, because texting Josh is fun.
18. Justin
Justin will text you every morning saying, "morning :)" then not respond if you return the favor. The next day, sure enough, there's another text from Justin telling you good morning. Like, ARE YOU MY ALARM CLOCK? WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE? I don't understand.
19. Kevin
Kevin...what exactly is your problem? Do you text someone, throw your phone in the trash can, then retrieve it 72 hours later? How hard is it to respond to our text asking about dinner on Friday? IT'S A YES OR NO ANSWER MY DUDE.
20. Kyle
Kyle responds to your in-depth story about the Reddit thread you found online that he asked you to explain to him with a "ha." That's it. He said nothing else. You even waited 20 minutes thinking he would say more. But he didn't. He never will.
21. Luke
Luke sends you good memes. I mean, honestly, they are good. You laugh. He understands your sense of humor. But the conversation rarely goes beyond memes, which can be confusing at best. Like, are we gonna make out Luke? Are we just friends? Do you have any thoughts or feelings about the world? I guess we may never know.
22. Matt
Matt is a very good texter. He can carry on a conversation for hours. You'll be so entertained you'll find yourself smiling every time you see his name pop up on your phone. But then Matt will disappear after you tell him how you think you might have been a dolphin in another life, and you'll be left wondering if what you said was too weird. Then Matt will return, 24–48 hours later, and will start talking to you about orange juice. Matt doesn't make any sense, but you like it.
23. Mike/Michael
Mike is a little weirdo. Mike will text you in the morning and say, "Good morning gorgeous, I hope you and your long legs and the hair on the back of your neck have a comfortable day today." And you'll think to yourself, wait what? Why not just say, "Good morning?" But Mike keeps you guessing, which is why you keep responding.
24. Nathan
Nathan, for the love of everything, stop responding to our texts with just an "lol." That is not an acceptable response to anything, let alone the text we just sent you about how we spent an hour making our own homemade french fries with an accompanying picture. COME ON, NATHAN.
25. Nick
Nick loves to send you pictures. And we're not talking, like, dick pics. Nick will send you a selfie with his tongue sticking out while sitting in his cubicle at work. And then, later, he'll send you another selfie of him with his sandwich from Subway that he's gonna eat for lunch. Nick doesn't communicate with words.
26. Noah
Noah will charm your literal pants off over text. He'll be attentive, kind, funny, and witty. Then, just when you've paused your TV show to focus on your text conversation, Noah will disappear. Didn't you JUST text us literally two minutes ago from your couch Noah? Where the hell did you go? How hard is it to tell me that you're going out and don't wanna be on your phone? HOW HARD?
27. Ryan
You didn't respond to Ryan's last text because all he sent you was an emoji. But then Ryan texts you, two days later, saying sorry that he had been MIA because he "had a crazy week at work." No one cares, Ryan. We didn't even text you back. Why are you trying to act like we did?
28. Sam
Sam loves to pour his heart out to you over text. He will share things with you that he should instead share with a therapist. And you will listen, and respond, and use applicable emojis when necessary. Then, one day, you will have a really bad day. Sam will text you. You will tell Sam. Sam will then tell you, "he needs some space." Grow up, Sam.
29. Seth
Seth will text you out of the blue when you haven't spoken in six months to tell you about a new app he's decided to create. You won't care about the app, but you care about Seth because Seth makes you think he cares about you, too. Seth loves to type in complete sentences and will respond in a timely manner. Until one day, Seth disappears again. Good luck with your dumb app, Seth.
30. Steven (any spelling)
Steven is a brilliant texter...when he responds, that is. Steven is unpredictable. Steven won't respond to your text but will then watch your Instagram story. Steven is clearly on his phone and ignoring your text. Steven, JUST TEXT US THE FUCK BACK.
31. Tyler
Tyler will respond "hahaha" to whatever you say, even when nothing about it is humorous. Honestly, we're not sure Tyler even reads your texts. But he mostly responds, and even when your'e talking about your family pet that died three years ago, it'll still give you a lil confidence boost to see that "hahaha."
32. Will
Will is the best texter. Will loves to ask you about your day. Will mentions things via text that you brought up to him weeks ago. Will LISTENS. Will READS. Will COMPREHENDS. We love Will.
33. Zac/Zach/Zack???
Zach looooves to sext. Zach will text you in the morning to say good morning and as soon as you respond he'll say, "How wet are you right now?" Like damn Zach, I'm literally brushing my teeth trying to wake my ass up for work, I'm not even wet, chill!??! Can we work our way into this?!? Damn.
