1. When the hell did this happen?
2. ...Is anything actually happening?
3. Why does everyone think turning 30 is such a big deal?
4. It is actually really boring. Like, for true.
5. Seriously, literally nothing interesting is happening to my body. Watching myself turn 30 is like watching paint dry.
6. Should I do something crazy for my birthday?
7. No, that seems sad and desperate.
8. But if I do something small and lame, it WILL be sad and desperate.
9. Is this the age where not having a savings account stops being adorkable and starts being just stupid?
10. Am I still allowed to use the word adorkable?
11. Is anyone?
12. Should I make an extra effort to be really knowledgable about pop culture? Because I know one of these days I will stop making the effort to keep up, and then I will be frozen in time, like a fossil, or like Pierce on Community.
13. Also, seeing that old guy on Community for the first time and realizing it was Chevy Chase was the most arresting reminder of my mortality I have ever experienced.
14. Am I actually old now?
15. I don't feel old. I actually feel the same.
16. I actually look way better at 30 than I did at 20.
17. I also put way less dumb crap on the internet.
18. I really wish I had not spent my 20s being afraid that I would magically feel like an old person when I turned 30.
19. I suspect that worrying about turning 30 for the past decade has ironically taken years off my life.
20. I guess this means I'll never be a child prodigy or an olympic athlete?
21. Why the hell would anyone want to be a child prodigy? Nothing good ever comes of that.
22. But seriously, being carded is the single greatest thing ever.
23. I am really glad no one expects me to stay out until 4 a.m. anymore.
24. I also love that no one I know brings shitty beer to parties anymore.
25. I can take vacations now. That I can pay for myself. That my parents don't have to go on or even know about.
26. I never realized how young 23 year olds are until now.
27. Wow, I was a total idiot when I was 23.
28. I graduated from college how many years ago? What?! That can't be right.
29. I've had this Gmail address for almost a decade? That DEFINITELY can't be right.
30. Am I now out of excuses for not having my life together?
31. ...Is it possible that I actually DO have my life together? And didn't even notice?
32. Wow, it used to be that when I saw celebrities who were 34, I thought they were way older than me, and now they are people I could have gone to high school with.
33. Oh jeez, is this when I start thinking that everyone younger than me is a young entitled ruiner of society?
34. Man, now that I really think about it, being in your early 20s is hard. You could not pay me enough to do all of that again.
35. ...If someone thinks I'm younger than I actually am, do I have a responsibility to correct them?
36. This is definitely not how I saw myself at 30.
37. Should I have done more by now?
38. No, that is ridiculous, I have already done a ton to get to where I even am now.
39. Am I a cougar now?
40. Can you be a cougar if you still drunkenly go through the McDonald's drive through?
41. Do I have to worry about my cholesterol now?
42. And does this means that people will stop calling me a Millennial? Thank god, that word was gross.