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Posted on Apr 23, 2015

19 Ridiculous Things You Can Get At Victoria’s Secret

Boobs boobs boobs.

by ,

Hello again! We are Kristin and Leo and we like to talk about fashion. Today, we're chatting about the lingerie megachain Victoria's Secret.

Sam Stryker / BuzzFeed

First some thoughts on V.S.:
Leo: To me, Victoria's Secret is where you and your girlfriends go in eighth grade to buy leopard push-up bras. And then you hide your V.S. purchase in an Aeropostale bag so your parents never know what's up. Also: WHO is Victoria and WHAT is her effing secret?

Kristin: I think for everyone who is a DD cup or higher, Victoria's Secret is like that popular girl in high school who ended up never leaving her hometown. Like, she was really cool when you were a kid, but now she just hangs out in malls and it's really sad.

1. V-Neck Crop Hoodie, $59.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: **adolescent laugh** Drop the "G" and you get...ANEL island. Like anal. But ANEL.

Kristin: Yeah, there's nothing like the sight of a big ol' butthole setting over the horizon of Anel Island.

Leo: My god, it does look like a butthole!

2. Crewneck Tee, $29.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: I'm kind of disappointed that this mock jersey assumes that a ladies' sports team would automatically have mermaids as their mascot.

Leo: Oh, I thought this was supposed to mean that the mermaids were DOING the sport. Or that the person's last name was "Mermaid"?

Kristin: With sports jerseys, the last names are typically on the back.

Leo: **shrug** Yeah, I don't know sports.

3. Knockout by Victoria's Secret Front-Close Sports Bra, $59.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: So it's a normal bra...inside of a sports bra?

Kristin: It's bra-ception.

Leo: IT'S A CONSPIRACY! ALL THE PERFECTLY TONED WOMEN AT THE GYM ARE WEARING NORMAL BRAS.

Kristin: Maybe this is for if your bra gets cold, and you need to buy it a little coat?

4. Logo Thong Panty, $10.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: I think if you're going to wear a thong, there's no point making it with comfortable fabric. You're not fooling anyone, Victoria's Secret.

Leo: This is what Kate Hudson would wear in a movie where she really impresses guys with her ability to eat hot dogs and swear.

5. Pillowtalk Tank Pajama, $52

victoriassecret.com

Leo: It says "girls night in," but she's alone...in the daytime...next to a surfboard. I'm no Einstein, but something's missing here.

Kristin: Poor "girls night in" T-shirt, forever sad because it's missing that possessive apostrophe at the end that would make it grammatically complete.

Leo: GIRLS'! Our BuzzFeed copy editors would be proud.

6. Bridal Thong Panty, $16.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: This is what your cool aunt gives you at your bridal shower and you want to die.

Leo: And she giggles as you open it, and is like "HA HA HA HA SEX."

Kristin: And it makes you wish that you could go back to a time before you ever knew about sex.

7. Bridal Hoodie, $58

victoriassecret.com

Leo: Something old, something new, something borrowed...something hoodie?

Kristin: "I'll take the most comfortable thing you sell, and the least comfortable things you sell, please!"

8. Lace-Up Corset, $88

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: What could you even wear this under without it showing? This is basically useless as a support garment.

Leo: I guess you'd change in the bathroom or, yeah, wear something huge over it. Like...hmm...a nun's outfit? A muumuu? There's lot of role-play with bulky clothes that you could get into with this. But I somehow think that's probably not the point.

9. The Everywhere Strappy High-Waist Short, $29.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: Hmmm. Why do you think it's called the "everywhere" short? Like this certainly doesn't seem to me like an item one can wear "everywhere."

Kristin: Because it's going to give you strap marks everywhere.

Leo: I feel strangely compelled to try these on. I like a good belly-button-covering garment.

10. The Most-Loved Yoga Capri, $39.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: Yoga butt gives you WIIIIIIINGSSS.

Leo: These pants just gave me an intense flashback to 2003. And in it, I had chunky highlights. So we need to move on now, please.

11. Strappy Monokini, $88.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: So I actually looked up the definition of a "monokini" — because let's be honest, this is just a regular bikini with some extra stringy things — and GUESS WHAT. A monokini is actually "a one-piece bathing suit that leaves the breasts bare."

Kristin: AHHHHHH! This isn't a bathing suit, it's a recipe for a stripey sunburns. Also, good luck getting that thing on and off without falling on your face.

12. VS Stripe Luggage Tag and Passport Case, $25

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: Wait, are these BOTH luggage tags?

Leo: One is a passport case. You know, for the international jet-setting Angels. Just 'cause you have your own wings doesn't mean you aren't subject to immigration policies, I guess?

Kristin: I don't think you can have dual U.S.–Victoria's Secret citizenship. I think they'd frown on that.

13. Oversize Zip Tunic, $69.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: Sheesh, these "angels" seem kind of like bullies.

Kristin: This hoodie basically just says: "Advertising made me buy this sweater."

Leo: But what is "it"?! Sex? Drugs? The Superman ride at Six Flags? Murder???

14. Sexy Little French Maid, $78

Via victoriassecret.com

Kristin: This would look terrible on me, but great on my boyfriend.

Leo: Where did the French maid obsession come from? Like, what is the origin of this image? I'm pretty sure Victor Hugo's house cleaners didn't wear shit like this. I can't really imagine dude sitting around writing Les Misérables with some lady in a black-and-white miniskirt trying to mop his floors.

Kristin: Cleaning just isn't sexy. No one has ever looked sexy while trying to pull hair out of a shower drain.

15. Boxy Pullover, $47.50

Via victoriassecret.com

Kristin: "Oh, I don't want much for my birthday, hon — just get me a sweater that's impossible to lace myself into."

Leo: So straitjacket chic.

16. Strappy Embroidered Balconet Bra, $88

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: It's like buying a dust ruffle for your boobs.

Leo: Yeah, I can see that. Like it's the lingerie interpretation of a room at a Massachusetts B&B. I don't think I could wear this with a straight face.

17. Lace Halter Babydoll, $29.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: LOL, this was in the "sleep" apparel section?! With that texture of fabric? Is this some sort of dare?

Leo: Sleep in this? Ha! That halter bit looks like a defective seatbelt for your boobs. They'd be busting out of there the second you turn over. And I don't know about you, but when it's sleepytime, I like to be properly tucked in.

18. T-Back Cheekini, $14.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: What the heck is a "cheekini"? I am visualizing a martini glass filled with skin.

Kristin: This is just the sexy version of wearing underwear with holes in it.

Leo: Yeah, that dark-purple part is totally unnecessary. I feel like this is what happens when a painting is done but the artist just can't help but add.

Kristin: Also, this is more or less proof that the only fun part of wearing a thong is letting people know you are wearing a thong.

19. Lace-Up Heart Cheeky Panty, $16.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: I love it when my underwear comes with a fart vent.

Leo: So this is a "cheeky" panty but not a "cheekini"? Very confused. Also, I know this is going to sound really gross and immature but when I look at this, all I can think about is whether these undies would allow for you to take a poo without removing them.

Kristin: Look, every lady deserves a beautiful fart vent.

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