17 Pies, Ranked From Worst To Best

♫ Pi day, pi day, gotta get down on pi day. ♫

In honor of 3/14 (otherwise known as PI DAY), the following 17 pies have been ranked by me, Pie Expert*

*I was designated in 2012 as a Knight of the Round Pie under the authority of the International Order of Pie Experts, which is a cool organization I just made up but we should all join it anyway.

17. Pumpkin Pie

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Look, now that we are out of earshot of Pumpkin Spice Latte season, can we be honest about pumpkin pie? Pumpkin pie is the gruel of pies. It has no texture, no flavor (unless you count "squishy" as a flavor), plus it's STILL really bad for you, so what is even the point?

Even worse than pumpkin pie is pumpkin pie bought from a store. Nothing says "I'm punishing you for inviting me to things!" like bringing a store-bought pumpkin pie to someone's house.

16. Minced Meat Pie

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This is basically a hamburger without any cheese that has been put through a blender. Send it back to hell.

15. Pecan Pie

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I get it: Pecan pie has its devotees. If you spent three hours every Sunday with your aunt (you know, the one who called her backyard "the ORIGINAL PlayStation") eating this stuff as a kid, you are probably brainwashed into thinking that this is yummy or something.

But it is too damn sweet. And I am not unreasonable. I think pecans work very well as part of an ensemble, but as a solo artist, they are as effective as Michelle from Destiny's Child.

14. Banana Cream Pie

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There are two types of people in the world: people who love bananas, and people who can't finish saying the word "banana" without barfing all over the place.

If you love bananas, then this is absolutely the pie for you. This pie is banana at its best, plus you don't worry about it going brown.

If you hate bananas, I'm sorry about the fact that you probably have barf all over your computer right now, but I'm not going to buy you a new one. You knew what you were getting into when you went on the internet.

13. Blueberry Pie

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Blueberry pie will never be as good as blueberry muffins, because the pie format is not especially flattering for the blueberry. Blueberries are like sprinkles -- and you wouldn't just eat a handful of sprinkles, would you?

12. Lemon Meringue Pie

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Lemon meringue pie is a much less graceful version of key lime pie, plus it's harder to put together because you have to do the meringue part. That's a lot of time spent trying to beat egg yolks into submission for nothing.

11. Blackberry Pie

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Don't lie. The closest you've come to eating blackberry pie is when you're hearing a fairy tale about a nice baker lady who lives in the forest or whatever.

That's for a reason. Blackberry pie is a lot of fun if your favorite candy is Sour Patch kids, but if it isn't, you're sort of out of luck.

10. Cherry Pie

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Cherry pie is lost without some of that sweet sweet vanilla, and we all know it. Honestly, the only good way to eat cherry pie is if you treat it like it's just 150 cherries that all need ice cream sundaes to go underneath.

9. Peach Pie

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Peach pie is perfectly fine. If it comes out at a party on the 4th of July, you're glad to see it, but you're not going to cry if it can't make it. It doesn't try too hard, which is why it often feels like you're eating canned peaches inside pie crust. Which is OK, if you're into that sort of thing.

But this is pie. The competition is stiff.

8. Apple Pie

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Real talk: Apple pie is incredibly played out. Like, yes, it's apple pie. It will always there for you when you need it, and it will taste good, and that should be respected. But you have probably already eaten the best apple pie that you are ever going to eat. Think about that.

7. Spinach Pie

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Also known as SPANIKOPITA! If you're going to eat spinach in one way, do it in pie form. You won't regret it -- it's so flaky and good, you'll almost forget you're eating veggies.

6. Chicken Pot Pie

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Chicken pot pie beats out Cobb Salad for the "Most Number Of Healthy Ingredients In A Dish That Is Actually Terrible For You" award, which is an amazing accomplishment. It's a good source of vegetables you probably wouldn't eat otherwise, which is another plus.

But while chicken pot pie can reach incredible heights, sometimes it can go horribly wrong -- there's a fine line bet "creamy" and "this tastes like it just came out of a blender." Plus, no two moms truly agree on what goes in one of these, you so could end up eating one with mushrooms in it, or worse, POTATOES.

5. Peanut Butter Pie

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Peanut butter pie is obviously always a solid choice (unless you are allergic to peanut butter, in which case, my condolences) but the downside of this pie is that it's always too much. This pie has a 100% success rate of making anyone who has more than 7 bites of it hate themselves afterwards.

Do yourself a favor and always split a slice of this guy. Your relationship with peanut butter pie will thank you.

4. Strawberry Rhubarb Pie

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I know rhubarb SEEMS like a boring plant on its own, but that just means it works harder to give you the flavors that you want. Do you subscribe to the idea that the purpose of pie is for it to be a vessel for beautiful, hot fruit to be sweetly escorted into your mouth? Then strawberry rhubarb pie completely succeeds for you.

Plus, extra veggies!

3. Chocolate Cream Pie

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Chocolate cream pie is literally the greatest advancement in breakup coping technology since the voodoo doll. Plus, this pie is pretty easy to throw together. If you can be patient enough to let it set up in the fridge after you make it, you will be rewarded with all of your problems simultaneously going away, thanks to pie.

And yet, while there are more adventurous, challenging pies out there, it is consistent and comforting, like a $5 bill from grandma.

2. Key Lime Pie

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Man, key lime pie is such a boss bitch. It's like is the Kanye West of pies: it's tangy, yet sweet, and gets plenty of cookies (if you do it right, with a cookie crust). if you don't like it, you should go back to cake, you hater.

1. Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie

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Get your shit together, regular pecan pie. This could be us but you playin'.