1. The Doctor
(all 13 of them tbh)

Damn you for being so hot and so fictional.
Why it'd never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): He's pretty much married to a wooden police box, on top of being actually married to one queen of England and another woman who might as well be the queen of England.
Played by: Currently Matt Smith, soon to be Peter Capaldi
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): Do you even bake, bro?
Played by: Jennifer Lawrence
Why it'd never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): He'll probably sacrifice himself to save you at a heartrending yet ultimately unimportant to the plot moment. RIP true lust.
Played by: Sam Claflin
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): He's got bigger problems than dating like being framed for murder by a cannibal who might be more than a little in love with him. Also do you really want to piss off Hannibal Lecter?
Played by: Hugh Dancy
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): He killed 80 people in two days.
Played by: Tom Hiddleston
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): She's totally in love with a psychopath who killed 80 people in two days.
Played by: Jaimie Alexander
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): If you can drag him out of his workshop you can have him (but you won't so just resign yourself to lusting from afar).
Played by: Robert Downey Jr.
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): It would only be matter of time before you fucked up and hell hath no fury like Extremis-infused Pepper Potts.
Played by: Gwyneth Paltrow
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): Madame, he is espoused to another.
Played by: Tom Mison
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): Are you the First Witness? No? Move along.
Played by: Nicole Beharie
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): He's cryogenically frozen in a tube :(
Played by: Benedict Cumberbatch
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): You're probably not the right shade of green.
Played by: Chris Pine
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): If he doesn't want to literally beat someone to death for you, it's not going to work out. Spock's kind of an all-or-nothing type of Vulcan.
Played by: Zachary Quinto
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): Considering it's 2048, unless this future detective grump is into geriatrics, you're SOL friend. Also he's terrible with children, cats, androids, and also people.
Played by: Karl Urban
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): No one's confirmed exactly how closely he resembles the human form.
Played by: Michael Ealy
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): He's dead. But damn did he look good before he went.
Played by: Idris Elba, Literally the Most Beautiful Man Alive
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): He's not interested in dating anyone who can't beat him up.
Played by: Charlie Hunnam
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): Are you the human version of a golden retriever that likes to fight kaijus? Then sorry, friend.
Played by: Rinko Kikuchi
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): She'll murder you. Or fake her own death, send you into a drug-induced, self-destructive spiral, wait for you to go to rehab, move to a different continent, and begin to start piecing your life back together after making the first friend of your entire life, then pop back into to your life, and then try to murder you.
Played by: Natalie Dormer
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): If you're not a British genius you'll fail to impress her. Actually even if you ARE a British genius you'll fail to impress her.
Played by: Lucy Liu
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): There's only room in his heart for Joan and Clyde the turtle. Sorry, friend.
Played by: Johnny Lee Miller
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): Boy's got daddy issues by the pec-load.
Played by: Henry Cavill
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): You'll realize you didn't want to really "date" him after he puts his clothes back on.
Played by: Kit Harrington
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): She'd realize you're as useless without the internet as Jon Snow is in life.
Played by: Rose Leslie
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): Her dragons would *accidentally* burn you to a crisp.
Played by: Emilia Clarke
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): She'd get paranoid that you were her monitor and try to interrogate/murder you in her suburban mom craft room.
Played by: Tatiana Maslany
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): He's crazy claustrophobic and would probably turn into a werewolf and accidentally kill you if you're playing 7 Minutes in Heaven or something.
Played by: Daniel Sharman
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): Actually you should try really hard to make this work, Stiles is precious bb. But to be honest people tend to die around him, so you have a ticking clock over your head.
Played by: Dylan O'Brien
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): She'll zone out and then snap back to reality to find your dead body at her feet :(
Played by: Holland Roden
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): He's too busy saving Felicity, that flawless queen, to even consider looking at anyone else (cough Laurel cough).
Played by: Stephen Amell
Why it’d never work out (besides that whole being fictional thing): Actually this might work out — all you need to do is seduce him with food and laundry detergent.
Played by: Misha Collins