1. DM-ing a new acquaintance = Hey, I'm sexually attracted to you and we should talk where our followers can't see us.
2. Unfollowing and re-following someone = HI WHY AREN'T YOU FOLLOWING ME BACK YET?
3. Manual retweeting = I think this is funny, but I think my own commentary will make it even funnier.
4. Retweeting a crush = This is the highest form of flattery. HI LET'S TALK.
5. Retweeting a tweet about you = Look! I have friends and people like me!
6. Favoriting a crush's tweet = I'm being subtle and flirting with you.
7. Favoriting a tweet when no one else has = I've got your back and you better come in with the save for me in the future.
8. Deleting your own tweet = TWENTY MINUTES AND NO FAVES? EVERYTHING I SAY IS STUPID.
9. Adding a period before someone's twitter handle = I added the period so everyone can see this funny thing I said without it going to the black hole of mentions.
10. Subtweeting = You literally just did this, you know it's you, and I know you follow me and will see this. So basically, hi. *middle finger*
11. Tweeting right after your crush tweets = OMG WE'RE BOTH ONLINE. TEXT ME.
12. Sharing a screenshot of a text message = Hey, I'm really funny to talk to.
13. Sharing an Instagram = Follow me on Instagram aka the best of me.
14. Tweeting what music you're listening to = Not only am I funny, I also have good taste in music.
15. Adding someone to a Twitter list = I am so GODDAMN popular I need to organize you plebeians.
16. Changing your avatar = Hey who's that hot person on my Twitter feed? OH THAT'S JUST ME KILLIN' IT AND MAKING YOU NOTICE ME.
17. Hashtags = I'm probably using these ironically.
18. Using TweetDeck or Hootsuite = My online life is so bumping that I need multiple applications to keep track of it.
19. Replying to a crush's tweet = Your tweet was kinda mediocre, but I want to talk to you.
20. Pinning a tweet = This is the best thing I've said all week, so let's just highlight it for a bit.
21. #teamfollowback = I'll follow you back but unfollow you shortly after.
22. Muting people = I can't unfollow you because I see you regularly, but I really don't care what you have to say.
23. Tweeting about something you don't actually know anything about = Hi, I'm not really watching the State of the Union but everyone else is so I retweeted this meme to pretend.