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Can You Pick The Right Person To Marry?

Talk about a real gem. You met Pearl on one of those bar trivia nights your buddies keep dragging you to because they "think you should get out more." At first you didn't even talk to her much, but as the night went on you couldn't help but notice how brilliant she is. Pearl has it all, she's independent, but makes time for you, leaving you cute little notes and really listening when you have something you're trying to sort out. She's a great dancer who knows all right ways to make you feel ~good~. She even snorts when she laughs, which totally cracks you up. You two are perfect for each other. Congrats!

Pearl, the gem

Oh man, when you met Jessica at the park last spring you thought for sure that she was the one. She knew how to make you smile and even seemed to get along with your parents. Sadly, Jessica's true love isn't you, it's the trees. You two were good while you lasted, but when you asked her if she wanted to move-in together and she asked if you'd consider living in a hammock strung up in a Birch tree you knew this relationship was doomed.

Jessica, the treehugger

Sorry, but Linda is not the marrying type. Sure you're in love with the way she decorates her house, and damned if you're not intoxicated by the way she smells, but this is a more it's-not-you-it's-her situation. You see, Linda just doesn't want to be locked down. Her life is all about one word: adventure. She's has plans to spend her entire life traveling the world, swimming in every hotel pool she can dive into on both sides of the equator, a so she's got no time to commit to you.

Linda the free spirit

Ben's a lawyer. Ben's got a big dick. Ben studied at an Ivy and so did the rest of his family. When it comes to Monopoly, Ben always wins, which sorta bums you out tbh. In fact, you spent your whole relationship with Ben trying to measure up to him, and that's no way to live. Was Ben a great date while he lasted? Sure. But when he got down on one knee and started to say, "Will you marry me?" you knew you need to be with someone who gives you room to love yourself.

Ben with the big dick

Stephen's startup raised so much capital from angel investors that he bought you a car. And like, that's great, except he never took the time to ask you what kind of car you might find the most helpful or even what color you'd prefer it to be. That's the kind of guy Steve is, large gestures and grand entrances, but no attention to any of the little things. The things that matter. When Stephen (never Steve) proposed to you on a hot air balloon you knew your answer had to be no. And not just because your fear of heights (which he never bothered to even ask about) was making you nauseous.

Stephen, the nauseating

Mario may just be the best lay of your entire goddamn life. The man is a cowboy, a true-blue, rope-swinging, calf-wrangling cowboy. You met while you were on vacation in Wyoming, some boring ranch getaway your sister dragged you to, but then you saw Mario. He was washing down his horse, his muscles glistening with sweat as he squeezed water from a large sponge. He looked over at you and you almost looked away, but didn't. That week left you saddle sore and smiling, but even you knew it couldn't last. Mario never spoke a word to you, a real strong and silent type, which made it all the more surprising when he offered you his grandmother's engagement ring right before you and your sister headed to the airport. It was tough to say no, but you don't want to live a life of silence in Wyoming. Sorry, Mario.

Mario, the cowboy

Melissa is a lot of fun, she parties hard, is amazing in bed, and can cook a helluva breakfast quiche. But...she reads a book every. damn. day. Not just paragraphs, but full on books every day. She can’t go to sleep unless she’s finished one. It was cute and endearing at first, but after two years of dating, its annoying and there honestly isn’t any more room in your small shared apartment for book storage. To make matters worse, she always forgets to return the books to the local library, racking up $2,456 dollars in late fees, on your library card! One afternoon, as she flips the final page, she slams her book shut and sternly says, "when are you going to marry me?!?!" You pause for a moment, pondering whether she’s serious or not. She looks serious… You say, whenever you want, whenever (not really seriously) … and she jumps up, orders an Uber and before you know it you’re at the justice of the peace. Enjoy that library bill and the mountain of books!

Melissa, the book worm

You met Jayne at AA several years ago, you developed a close bond because of the shared connection of getting off the bottle. After a year you both begin to date. She just really gets you, you know? She understands the struggle, doesn’t make fun of you, and especially isn’t petty when it comes to you constantly leaving the toilet seat up. One day while on a scenic stroll through the neighborhood, the sun begins to set. You’ve been waiting for the right time to pop the question. Jayne immediately exclaims, “yes!” She fumbles with her coffee cup and accidentally drops it, spilling at your feet. Within seconds you smell the pungent odor of whiskey! Horrified you look her in the eyes and notice an emptiness that you never saw before. You snatch the ring back and run away, hot tears streaming down your cheeks. Bummer. Sorry. Try again.

Jayne, the deceiver

Juanita works out twice a day. The first, a sunrise 5 am pilates class and again at a 7 pm Barry’s Bootcamp class. Her body is in tip top shape but literally you never see her even though you both live together. Plus if you have to drink one more avocado, kale, pumpkin seed smoothie (her favorite meal) you might go crazy. Sex with her is great because she’s so flexible, but there’s a spark missing from the relationship.  
One night at dinner she gets on a knee and a large rectangular box appears out of thin air. She unrolls a 24-karat gold knit yoga mat and presents it to you, a symbol of her commitment. You hesitate and she realizes, immediately angry, she rolls up the mat and storms off mumbling something about how, “you’ll never be a downward facing dog.” Pick again.

Juanita, the yogi

Wow. When you first began dating Enrique, you were very, very skeptical. You’ve never dated a perfect 10 before. He really likes you and you try every day to forget about that one-time he cheated on you. It was a mistake he swears and he was really, really drunk. The sex is amazing, so you kind of don’t want to let him go and plus it’s been months and your trust has began to grow back.  
On a vacation to the Bahamas, Enrique gets down on one knee and your blood immediately begins to pump. Your heart in your throat, you patiently wait for the words, “will you marry me," to leave his lips. He quickly jumps up from tying his shoe and your face goes beet red. You try to play it off but you can’t lie you definitely dodged a bullet right there. Pick again.

Enrique, the cheater

Cliff is once divorced. He has two children, a boy and a girl. They’re both grown now so you don’t have to worry much about parenting. Cliff owns his own home, likes to travel to exotic new places and honestly is a monster catch. The only negative is his pre-mature ejaculation but apparently that can be treated so it isn’t THAT much of a factor. If you love a cushy life, with a guy that genuinely loves you and worships the ground you walk on, then you’ve made a very, very, wise choice. If shallow better suits you (seriously, no offense taken) try again.

Cliff, the perfect catch

Henrick hails from Sweden. He has an infectious smile and a promising career. When you first met, he had just moved to your town and has had his fair share of relationships. Despite his experience, he’s never been married before. After a year of dating, he pops the question. He feels like it’s been long enough. You hesitate because you remember last Christmas when he got too drunk and threw up in your mom’s hydrangea. She never liked him much after that. You pause briefly to consider his proposal… after a few moments you lift him up from his bended knee kiss him on the forehead and walk off into the sunset, never to see him again. Pick another.

Henrick the older, Swedish hunk

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Can You Pick The Right Person To Marry?

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