We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community: "If you're someone who 'settled' in a relationship, how do you feel about your partner today?"
Well, everyone's experience was totally different and shed a light on how someone's feelings toward their partner can change over time. Whether they're currently in their "settled" relationship or have broken ties, their stories were still eye-opening. So, here's what they had to say:
1. "He had all of the traits I wanted in a significant other, but I just wasn’t attracted to him in that way. I tried convincing myself that it was because he was genuinely a good guy, but I was flat-out lying to myself. We'd kiss and I'd feel nothing. Cuddling? Nothing. Hanging out? Nothing. I thought my feelings would grow and they just never did (Trust me: I WANTED to like him)."
2. "I guess I 'settled' (I don't like to think of it that way, but in the beginning my partner was very different from me and did not align with the goals I had in life). I was not immediately attracted to them, and thank god for that, because I'm much happier now than I think I would have been otherwise. I've learned quickly that love is an action and a choice, and my life and relationship are better for it because I choose love everyday."
"I am now extremely attracted to my partner. Magic moments happen spontaneously every so often, but more often than not, magic is something we create and the love between us abounds."
—Anonymous
3. "I met my husband when I was 18 years old during my freshman year of college. He was my second boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend, and we've been together for 14 years now. Yes there are some dull moments and some moments where I want change and spark things up, but I gained a best friend out of it. I wouldn't change it for the world."
4. "They say to marry a man who loves you more than you love him, and that's what I found with my ex-husband (spoiler!). He was good enough in the beginning, but as the years went on, the difference in intellect and thirst for life were too big to overcome. I 'settled' for him, he 'settled' into a routine of complacency, and it broke us."
—Anonymous
5. "I got pregnant with my husband after dating for less than 2 months. We married shortly after because I didn't want to be an unwed mother and 'bring shame' to my family. He's perfectly fine, does nothing egregious, has solid values much like mine, and is very progressive. We are great partners and he's my ride-or-die — I am just not in love with him, and that is difficult to live through every day."
6. "I 'settled' big time but not because of looks. He was very good-looking and well-educated, but a straight-up jerk right from the get-go. He held grudges, was jealous and always mad about something, had terrible road rage, and held EVERYTHING over my head (including anyone he knew I went on a date with before I even met him). Almost 10 years into the relationship he was still raging at me about someone I dated before him, and I just had enough. I spent the entire marriage managing his emotions and never once thought about my own."
"I had terrible self-esteem when I met him and let him use me as his emotional punching bag for way too long because I thought he was all I could 'get.' Reader: Try not to make my mistake — being alone is WAY better than being with someone who doesn't even like you. I'm now in therapy and with a man who actually loves me and cares about how I feel."
—Anonymous
7. "We're college sweethearts, and have been together for over 13 years today (we aren't married). I 'settled' because the dating world sucks — it's been good with my partner, but things change after so many years of being partnered. I feel stuck with my partner, as dating life is atrocious and everyone else around us are getting married and starting their own families. So, here we are, annoying each other, 13 years strong."
—Anonymous
8. "I married a woman who in hindsight was just okay (and by that, I mean she was a 'people pleaser'). She didn't have her own opinions, she went with the flow — she was just an average person across the board. I was worried I was going to miss my chance at finding the right woman, so I stayed with her not realizing that she was largely going along with the relationship because she wouldn't express her feelings. It was the ultimate 'settling.' There was nothing wrong with her, but nothing right with her either. Our marriage only lasted 1 year because some other guy came along and started making decisions on her behalf."
9. "I definitely 'settled' for my boyfriend at first. I was having a rough patch a few years ago and really wanted a partner for support. We were already platonic friends before and we morphed into a 'friends with benefits' situation after he offered to let me crash in his spare bedroom because I was between apartments. We were 'friends with benefits' for a loooong time — I didn't want to commit because he wasn't my type, and I thought I was 'out of his league.' After a year or so, I realized he was my perfect match — I asked him out on Valentine's Day 2019 (I'm a hopeless romantic), and the rest is history!"
10. "I don't have the same 'spark' with my husband that I did with my exes, but my marriage is also the happiest, most functional relationship I've ever been in. I feel less co-dependent, less toxic, and less *consumed.* Does it mean I'm not in love with my husband and I 'settled?' I don't think so — I think it just means that, as cliché as it sounds, in my thirties I mellowed and prioritized compatibility. I prioritized similar values, a partnership, communication, and a 'deeper' love over some nebulous 'spark' that's really rooted in our cultural expectations about romantic love."
11. "I said 'sure' to marriage after 9 years of happily dating someone. We got married, and then in the following year, she revealed to me that she expected me to change into a different man. We were divorced 18 months after our wedding — I now feel like I wasted my twenties with her, and that we would've been better off ending things several years earlier."
12. "When I was 27, I had an arranged marriage after not having a date for 2 years (and being involuntarily celibate for 4 years). Between the ages of 23 and 25, I dated two women — one lasted a week, and the other lasted 2 months. After 2 years of being dateless, I got an arranged marriage by my parents. I'm okay with it — I felt like if I didn't agree with the arranged marriage, I would've never had another date and would've been single for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be alone anymore."
13. "My wife is not perfect, but then neither am I. Our relationship isn't perfect, but it's good — we're good together. She's still hot as hell after 20 years, we have two cool kids, and a modest but mortgage-free house. If you wait for perfect, you're chasing a mirage — Hollywood has spun a lie. 'The one' is not someone who can finish your every sentence, or who has everything in common with you. If you chase this, there's more of a chance you'll end up lonely than meet the partner of your dreams. No human can live up to a fantasy."
14. "I'm in a relationship with someone younger — he's perfect on paper, but we're stuck in the 'friends with benefits' trope (but he's in love with me). We've both had issues we've had to get over, which negatively affected the connection, but when they got better, I just became comfortable. I'm confident I can keep it up (as long as there's effort on both sides), and I realize relationships are work, so I'm 100% dedicated to do it. We have fun and we laugh and we have great camaraderie, but I can't say that he affects me in any way. I appreciate him a lot, but that's kind of as far as it goes — so, staying with him feels like 'settling.'"
15. And finally: "My parents loved each other a little, but had loved others much more deeply before they married each other. Wars and things got in the way of those other relationships, and they wound up making a compromise with each other. As one of their children, it was clear to me that they did not know how to love each other fully, and for most of my life, they were in a state of slow-growing resentment (which played out, as it will, on us children). They stayed married until they died — staying married kept the family financially more stable, but in almost all other respects, it was not pretty."
Note: Some stories have been edited for length and/or clairty.