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1. A minimal, straight-to-the-point mug for anyone who finds it important to cite their sources.
2. A too-adorable-for-words cat cap, which will turn your kitteh into a bunneh, and possibly also into an angry kitteh. They'll forgive you, probably.
3. A plush ovary that'll have you fallo-peein' yourself with laughter.
4. And (speaking of ovaries) Cards Against Humanity's bloody hilarious period-themed expansion pack to ~pad~ the fan-favorite raunchy card game with time-of-the-month jokes that'll have you LOLing menstru-all night long.
5. An OMG-worthy animated animal hat ear to provide endless entertainment.
6. Does It Fart?: The Definitive Field Guide to Animal Flatulence, a tome full of scientific analysis and exploration of that very important question among tons of different species.
7. A pair of giant adhesive googly eyes so you can bring pretty much anything to life. I can't for the life of me tell you why I find the personified bush below so funny, but I do.
8. A squirrel in underpants air freshener that smells like pine, because that is much more pleasant than what actual squirrel undergarments would probably smell like.
9. Punny postcards featuring everyone's favorite Potions Master, because the only thing better than a pun is a Snape pun.
10. A straightforward doormat that's a very literal way to deal with the devil at your door.
11. The Cat Dancer, a super-simple wire toy that's the under-$2 way to get your cat to perform the most hilarious antics of their nine lives.
12. An insulated lunch bag that'll basically GUARANTEE no one will want to steal your lunch. If someone does, then you have bigger problems, because someone in your office might be a cannibal.
13. Much Ado About Mean Girls, because I bet you didn't realize you've been waiting your whole life to see Mean Girls rewritten in the style of the Bard. After all, if Shakespeare created hundreds of words and phrases, he of all people could probably make "fetch" happen.
14. An instantly downloadable cross stitch template to let your guests know you accept them, bodily functions and all.
15. A glorious Jeff Goldblum shower curtain that may make guests want to linger in your water closet so they can stare into those enchanting brown eyes.
16. Or a Nicolas Cage mermaid pillowcase covered in sequins that, like the Declaration of Independence, hold a hidden secret on the other side.
17. A heatable, lavender-scented plush turkey who'll ~be there for you~ whenever you have cramps or sore muscles. All your other friends will be jealous.
18. A hilariously graphic cat butt coloring book that any animal lover will find to be a-hole lot of fun.
19. A Llol-worthy tee to help you take a chance, finally face your Waterloo, kiss the teacher, be the winner who takes it all, find a man after midnight, and llay all your llove on me.
20. A mini waving inflatable tube guy who's ready to show off his moves on your desk, because the passersby at the car dealership never fully appreciated them.
21. A whimsical nose pencil sharpener it won't be rude stick pencils in during class.
22. An adorable razor holder I mustache that you purchase for your bathroom ASAP.
23. Sassy socks available in tons of cheeky designs that'll make you smile all day.
24. A delightfully nostalgic dancing Squidward Funko Pop! figure ready to show off his ~bold and brash~ moves on your desk.
25. A T-Rex eating noodles ornament that is random, but that this year's tree 1,000% needs if it wants to go down in (pre)history as the best holiday decor ever. I don't make the rules.
26. A gloriously geeky bottle of "You Smell Nothing, Jon Snow," toilet spray you can use when you feel that a rather odiferous bowel movement, not just winter, is coming.
27. A cute kitten decal who's ~purr~fectly content to just hang out on your doorknob and make you smile.
28. And a Prison Mike enamel pin that'll bring you so much joy, it just might be able to shield you from the Dementors.
Live footage of me and also you rn, probably:
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