1. You know whose Facebook I’ll check, just very casually? My ex’s. It’s been a while.
2. Well, it’s been a few days.
3. It’s been at least one day.
4. I NEED TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHERE I’M TYPING THIS NAME.
5. Is this the search box? It is, right?
6. What if Facebook switched where it put the status box and the search box earlier today, and didn’t tell anyone?
7. I know it SAYS “Search for people, places, and things,” but I FEEL like I’m typing the name into a status!!!!!
8. I’m going to quickly just test the search bar on my friend.
9. OK I think it’s fine. God! The search box and status box should REALLY not be so close to each other, though.
10. It’s actually VERY rude of Facebook to think it knows what I’m doing, just because I typed the first two letters of their name. I could have been looking up someone else whose name also starts with those letters.
11. I mean, auto-completing is super judgmental, when you think about it.
12. OK, well, here I am. On their page.
13. What if my screen is being shared somehow??
14. Someone can definitely probably hack your laptop and see what you’re doing on your screen. I have seen that happen.
15. On The Good Wife I think.
16. Maybe I should put a piece of duct tape over the camera????
17. No. Haha. That would be crazyyyyy, haha, of course not.
18. I will just kind of put my thumb over it. This is just always how I use my laptop.
19. That was a joke, I’m joking, haha. Lol. I’m typing normally with both hands.
20. What if I secretly Skyped them by mistake WHILE I was looking at their Facebook page. Ahahahahahaha. Oh my goddddd oh my god that would be so funny.
21. Let’s just close out of Skype entirely real quick. I mean I shouldn’t let all these programs run all the time anyway, it’s bad for your computer.
22. Everything is secure and fine.
23. I wonder if I could learn to be a hacker? And send someone a virus?
24. I’ll Google it: “How to send a computer virus to an enemy without them knowing, but so they’ll have a sinking suspicion they can never confirm.”
25. Well. Hm. OK this looks like a lot of work, I’ll get back to this…later.
26. Their profile picture is still the same. People really CAN’T change, ha ha ha ha.
27. I should see if there are any new tagged photos. Sometimes they’ll show up in a weird order because people post photos really late, sometimes.
28. They WOULD have the type of friends who suddenly tag a bunch of photos from last summer. “Sorry for the delay, friends, I was busy with my art.”
29. BE CAREFUL TO CLICK EACH PHOTO IN THE EXACT MIDDLE.
30. Don’t click Like. Don’t click Like. Don’t click Like.
31. Holy shit, did I just click Like???????????????
32. I can’t go back to check. It’s too risky. I’ll check my activity log.
33. It doesn’t SAY I liked any of their photos. But sometimes I feel like the activity log intentionally omits things because it is embarrassed for you.
34. Haha, what if my activity log was like, “You don’t even want to know.”
35. OK, I’m easing back into the pictures. Carefully!!!!
36. Oh good, that one. Ugh. I always loved that one. And that one. UGHGHGH.
37. It should be illegal to keep attractive photos up after you’ve broken up with someone.
38. We should probably just get rid of Facebook photos altogether. What good have they EVER done ANYone.
39. I feel like I’m going to push my laptop off the table?? Am I???? Am I going to do it???????
40. I just pushed it away a little.
41. What if there were two Facebooks: one for friends, and one for villainous monsters who shouldn’t even be allowed to operate the internet.
42. I should send a suggestion email to Mark Zuckerberg.
43. Oh, I’ve reached the beginning of their 329 tagged photos.
44. I’ll just quickly check their wall.
46. How is it possible for one person to be literally SO unhelpful in providing consistent and satisfying new information about themselves?
47. I guess they must really be suffering without me.
48. Too depressed even to raise an arm to post a Facebook update.
49. Or…wait. What if.
51. What if they’re completely in love with someone else ALREADY and that’s why nothing is happening on Facebook?
52. Is “too in love for Facebook” a thing?
53. Well, not judging by my married friends.
54. GOD. This was USELESS. I hate this WEBSITE.
55. I am not ever going to look them up again.
56. For at least a few days.
57. For at least a day.
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