10 Things That Genuinely Helped Me When I Went Through Fertility Treatment

Motherhood is frequently described as a journey, but some of us log miles before there’s even a baby in our arms.

We all know there are some things we cannot control in life, despite our best efforts. And that includes infertility.

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There's no good way to say it. Infertility is just...the worst. 😔 And while it's universally accepted by society that the transition to motherhood can be a rocky road (tiny humans = big impact), it's easy for many to forget the in-between.

What happens when you get stuck in that in-between? How are you supposed to feel? One thing that always struck me about infertility is how jarring it is to go from having control of your body and thinking, Not now, to having absolutely no control when you decide, Okay, now!

If you’re going through fertility treatments — or are about to embark on them — you already know how isolating and emotionally draining the process can feel.

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But to those of you reading this on your phone at 2 a.m., anxious about the future you always envisioned for yourself, I see you. And I wrote this for you because you are not alone in this, even if you don’t personally know anyone else who is going through it.

There are so many women I admire who have shared their struggles with infertility. Michelle Obama is one. Our national treasure, Chrissy Teigen, is another. And now you know me, Kathleen, a pretty normal person who sometimes writes things for the internet. 👋

Here are some of the things I learned on my journey. I hope you find them helpful.

1. Give yourself some grace.

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You can feel sorry for yourself and still feel happy for your friends. Wait, read that again, because it’s really important! Those two things are not mutually exclusive. You are not a bad person for not wanting to celebrate the fact that every single person in your timeline is posting bump pics right now.

Things are going to happen along the way. That girl you always found really annoying? Yup, she's pregnant. On the first try. And they weren't even really trying! Oopsies!

So if you have a hard time with baby showers, don't go to them! If there's a bump pic you feel like you have to acknowledge, go ahead and double-tap that heart on Instagram, but then tap into a pint of ice cream if that's what you have to do.

Be as kind to yourself as you can. 💗

2. Become your own spokesperson.

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When I say to become your own spokesperson, I don’t mean that you need to be an open book telling everyone your business (like I am right now, I suppose 🤔). What I mean is that you should have a few lines ready to go in your back pocket — for those moments when well-meaning questions or comments catch you off guard. You know the ones I’m talking about. If they start with “When…” or “Well, at least…,” then they're not headed anywhere good, right?!

One of the strangest things about our society is that you aren’t supposed to talk about your baby-making business, yet many people feel as if they are entitled to know when you’re going to do it. Maybe the people around you have decided it’s time, so they start inquiring. Maybe it’s just your relatives who truly don’t know any better. But if it’s at a bad time, it might break you a bit.

These are the times when it’s so helpful to have a few response lines prepared — lines that you’ve practiced and that you can say no matter how you’re feeling. The truth is that you can’t stop the questions, but protecting your boundaries and what you choose to tell people is something you can control.

3. Try to give yourself something *else* to look forward to each month.

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Girl, living your life in 28-day cycles is just no way to live. You have full permission to find little ways to treat yourself right now. What really worked for me was subscribing to a couple of different box subscriptions. It was a relatively inexpensive way to give myself a different way to measure each passing month.

My favorite? Book of the Month ($14.99 a month). Not only did I look forward to my next book, but I always had a story to distract me from some of the other goings-on in my life.

But really, this could be anything, as long as it’s on a recurring schedule. You could commit to a date night — a real, true date night — once a month.

If you're looking for a $0 option, try the local library. Or power up a podcast (more on that below), declare a monthly board game night, plug into a guided meditation series on YouTube, or — if the weather allows — go on a relaxing nature walk. This is actually self-care, and you deserve it.

4. Find a book, podcast, or TV series and go ALL IN on it.

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You are going to make a lot of decisions and keep a lot of details in your head during this time, so when you finally get to relax, make life as easy for yourself as you can. If you've ever wanted to binge-watch a show with multiple seasons, now is the time to do it.

I watched so many seasons of Murder, She Wrote, and honestly, it was the cheesy and soothing balm I needed at the end of the day. I also loved going back to old favorites like The West Wing (fun fact: Our dog's name is Jed Barklet) and 30 Rock.

5. Once you start clinic visits, make your nurse your BFFL.

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No, seriously, the nurse you work with at the fertility clinic should be your new best friend. They literally know your cycles. They know a lot about your partner, too. Like, a LOT. 😳 So if you don’t click, then you need to switch. Most practices understand this too.

This is a team effort, and you are the MVP. But your nurse? They're always there with the assist. You’re like Jordan and Pippen.

6. Develop a mantra that you can always come back to.

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Find a phrase a word that you can come back to. Whenever I felt sad or discouraged or unsure of the unknown, this is what I repeated to myself: There are lots of ways to be like a mother. There are lots of ways to become a mother.

So I leaned into being the best Auntie Kathleenie I could possibly be to my incredible nephew. While my heart was hurting to give him a cousin, the love he gave me just for being a part of his life helped me feel more whole. Playing with him when we visited was so deeply rewarding. Plus, I got to do all the fun things (like help him sneak extra brownies or buy him the coolest but noisiest toys) and then not deal with any of the aftermath.

Also, we got a puppy. And boy, did we, well, baby him. We went all in on being good dog parents! Bless him, but he still thinks that every Amazon box has something in it for him, because that’s the way it used to be.

But in regards to the many ways to become a mother, science offers a lot of options. And as I’m sure people may have told you without being asked, there are some truly wonderful options beyond that too.

7. Find your sisters.

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With an estimated 1 in every 8 couples seeking fertility treatments to build their families, you are most certainly not alone.

When I began to realize that we might need a little bit o' science to help us, I didn’t know anyone who had gone through this. I ended up emailing with my boss-at-the-time’s cousin, and she was so nice and wonderful (as was my boss, obviously!).

As I learned how to be a little bit more open about what I was going through, I discovered that a friend of mine was going through fertility treatments as well. The bond that we forged during this time is unbreakable. This incredible, strong woman is my sister.

The thing about being in the trenches of fertility treatments with a friend is that, at some point, one of you could get pregnant. And I did. I cried when I told her because I truly wanted her to go before me. But then I also ugly-cried a lot of happy tears about a year or so later, while sitting at a bar, when she told me she was pregnant. There is no competition here. You are all constantly rooting for each other. Isn’t that true sisterhood?

8. And find yourself a therapist.

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No, being infertile does not make you “crazy.” And you’re already so strong, so it’s not about that. Plus, you might truly, genuinely be fine. But the reason I say you should find a therapist is that if/when you do find yourself needing extra support that the people in your life are unable to provide, you want to make sure the net is already there.

And let’s be real: You won’t feel guilty about talking about yourself if you’re paying someone to literally listen to you talk about yourself. It’s quite freeing!

Whether you go through your insurance company to find a provider or you opt for an online therapy app, try to find a therapist who has experience talking to fertility treatment patients. Trust me, you don’t want to use up precious time explaining some of these treatments and protocols to the uninitiated. Because, as you may know, the details are… 👀

9. And, when you can, try to find a bit of humor.

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The fact that you have to go through this is not funny. Not even a little bit. But some of the experiences you have around it are...kind of funny, right? Sometimes life looks a little different from what you pictured. One of the most pivotal moments of your life, a moment that puts you on a path to parenthood, will not be what you expected. It will be just you, your partner, your medical team, and a sterile room. Ah, romance!

10. Do your best to stay off internet forums (unless you’re using them to find meaningful community!).

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You know the kinds of forums I’m talking about. The ones with all the acronyms. OH, THE ACRONYMS. It’s like learning a whole new language.

I wish I could tell you I followed my own advice here, but there were too many times when I’d find myself a) on the 37th page of a forum post from 2013, b) wide awake at 3:30 a.m., and c) even more freaked out than I was before. So don’t be like me, okay?

And lastly? Just remember that there is life on the other side of this.

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My telling you not to worry won’t do much because we know that’s not how brains work (ha, ha, ha). And saying, “Don’t give up! You can do it!” doesn’t feel genuine because as you are probably quite aware, there isn’t always a baby at the end of every road. But at some point, your life will not include weekly blood draws and uncomfortable procedures, and you can return to some sense of normalcy.

As I alluded to earlier, my treatment worked. I mention some thoughts on motherhood in the next two paragraphs, so if you’re not feeling up for it right now, I want you to do what feels right for you and skip them.

This may sound cheesy, but becoming a mother made my dreams come true. If you’re like me, in your most earnest moments of hoping and wishing and wanting, you promise the universe that if you can become a mother, you will never take a single moment for granted. That is true. You won’t.

In the early days of figuring out how to balance motherhood with a full-time job, I’d stare at the stranger in the mirror, bleary eyed and tired after a night of my son being up for no apparent reason at all other than wanting to party with his parents, and laugh to myself, saying, “You literally paid money to do this.” It has been worth every single penny. Truly.

So to those who are struggling and working to make a dream of parenthood a reality, I am sending you love and light and all my good vibes. ✨ I hope that by sharing some of my experience, I can help make yours a little easier. If you have any tips or advice to share, please add them in the comments!