1. Where were we when the final episode of Season 3 of Game of Thrones began? Oh yes. Still crying hysterically, and shaking.
2. The finale picks up outside the castle of Walder Frey (David Bradley), as the traitor Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton) surveys the slaughter of the Stark contingent.
3. So yes, Lannister-affiliated jerks are killing all of the Stark faithful.
4. In the previous episode, Arya (Maisie Williams), still kidnapped by the Hound (Rory McCann), was on the verge of reuniting with her mother and brother. But then they were killed.
5. Arya is so sad. Look at her little face!
6. Sansa (Sophie Turner) and Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) are beginning to get along.
Here, they share a moment of good-natured plotting against people who make fun of Tyrion. Sansa suggests some prank involving sheep shit (!!). But at the end of this scene, Podrick Payne (Daniel Portman) comes to fetch Tyrion for an emergency meeting of the king's small council.
7. Where Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) looks like this —
8. And then Joffrey looks like this — when he's told he can't serve Robb's head to Sansa at his wedding to Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer).
9. Tyrion then threatens Joffrey: "Kings are dying like flies." Joffrey looks like this!
10. And then, finally, here's how Joffrey looks when Tywin sends him to his room like he's a 4-year-old.
11. Everyone else leaves the meeting, but Tywin (Charles Dance) tells Tyrion to stay. Tywin declares victory in the war. "All the Stark men are dead," he says.
The Tywin-Tyrion dynamic is a fascinating one. Tywin shows disdain for all of his children, but Tyrion is the most despised — and yet he recognizes that Tyrion has a brilliant, strategic mind, and seems to yearn to talk with him sometimes. But their conversations never end well, and this one is no different: Tywin tells Tyrion that on the day he was born, Tywin nearly drowned him in the ocean. Oh well! Tyrion goes to tell Sansa about her mother and brother.
12. Too late.
13. Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright), the Reeds (Thomas Brodie-Sangster and Ellie Kendrick), and Hodor (Kristian Nairn), trying to get north of the Wall, take shelter in the Nightfort, an abandoned castle of the Night's Watch.
14. Around the campfire, Bran tells a story that has no real relevance to their situation, but sets up the idea that "guest rites" are not to be violated — as in, Don't kill your guests, because it will come back to bite you.
15. Cut to: Walder Frey.
16. And that's when we find out who's been torturing Theon all season long.
17. Theon is in a sad state. He's been castrated, which gives Ramsay's sausage meal a special resonance. (It's just pork, Ramsay makes clear.)
18. Ramsay, who is a monster, begins calling Theon "Reek" — because he smells bad! — which begins the erasure of Theon's identity as a person.
19. Up in the Nightfort (it's dark up there! sorry!), Sam (John Bradley) and Gilly (Hannah Murray) and her baby appear, scaring Bran & Co.
20. Meanwhile, in their first and only Season 3 appearance, Balon Greyjoy (Patrick Malahide) and Yara (Gemma Whelan) open up a package from Ramsay, and find — I thought I could make a "package" joke, but I can't. It's Theon's penis.
21. Sam and Gilly show Bran, the Reeds, and Hodor the way through the Wall.
22. Off they go.
23. Davos (Liam Cunningham) goes to the imprisoned Gendry (Joe Dempsie), who is skeptical of him. Davos convinces him he's from the slums of King's Landing, just like Gendry.
24. Varys (Conleth Hill) and Shae (Sibel Kekilli) talk. Varys tells Shae she's making Tyrion a better person, but she's endangering him (as well as herself).
25. Shae doesn't want the jewels, doesn't want to leave, and thinks Tyrion sent Varys.
26. Tyrion is drinking. Cersei (Lena Headey) comes in. She admits that Joffrey is a psycho. They have a civil, sad conversation about their various burdens.
27. Arya and the Hound come across drunk guys bragging about their Red Wedding antics.
28. Arya kills this one.
29. We're reminded of the coin that the assassin Jaqen H'ghar (Tom Wlaschiha) gave Arya.
30. Having broken away from the wildlings, Jon Snow (Kit Harington), on his way back to Castle Black, is confronted by Ygritte (Rose Leslie).
He tells her, "I know you won't hurt me." Ygritte gets to say her mantra: "You know nothing, Jon Snow." He says, "I do know some things: I know I love you, I know you love me."