1. On Canada Post:
Ok, fair enough @canadapostcorp that’s a decent reason to not drop the package off at my door.
2. On time travel:
The dollar is worth 70 cents. Shania Twain is on tour. The Blue Jays are in first place. You damn millennials actually brought the 90s back.
3. On Canada Day:
I can't believe Drake discovered Canada almost 150 years ago.
4. On Halloween:
The only problem with Halloween in Canada is trying to fit a snowsuit underneath your costume.
5. On our national language:
I didn't realize "Canadian" was a language. Do they teach the "Eh, B, C's"? #EverySentenceEndsInHockey
6. On dating:
Toronto girls are the meanest. Sometimes I would rather get the fake number than a "get out of our washroom"
7. On seizing the moment:
I always wonder how many of the incidents we investigate started with someone yelling YOLO...
8. On #peegate:
Meanwhile in #Canada 🇨🇦 #peegate 😂
9. On the Great Lakes:
3 out of the 5 Great Lakes are really just okay lakes.
10. On expectations:
When I die, I want the #leafs to lower me into my grave, so that they can let me down, one more time.
11. On local news:
meanwhile, in Canada http://t.co/5w56cOCT5R
12. On construction:
Only in Montreal can u leave for 3 months and return with every construction cone in the exact same spot
13. On priorities:
Only in #NovaScotia. #Halifax
14. On a certain former mayor of a certain major Canadian city:
You know what they say: Film me smoking crack once, shame on you; film me smoking crack twice, shame on PLEASE MAY I HAVE MORE CRACK
15. On said certain former mayor:
When your old high school buddy comes to visit you and your new friends at University.
16. On Russia's invasion of Ukraine:
Geography can be tough. Here’s a guide for Russian soldiers who keep getting lost & ‘accidentally’ entering #Ukraine
17. On our federal leaders:
"I have fought for Canada my whole life," says Mulcair. #macdebate
18. On Canadian cuisine:
Smoke's Poutine: "How do you like your poutine?" Me: "Now"
19. On Canadian Thanksgiving:
It's Canadian Thanksgiving, which is like American Thanksgiving but it's in a different country on a different day and we eat Pomeranians
20. On savvy shopping habits:
woman in front of me at newfoundland drug store trying to return nineteen cans of condensed milk purchased a year ago at another location
21. On word association:
BLUE JAYS -> BAUTISTA -> DRAX -> GUARDIAN -> NEWSPAPER -> CIRCULATION -> HEART -> BARRACUDA -> PALIN -> SNOWMOBILE -> KAWASAKI -> BLUE JAYS
22. On Canada's royal couple:
Avril Lavigne divorcing Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger. "I found out he was the frontman for Nickelback," said Lavigne.@absrdNEWS
23. On Drake:
. @Drake is drake short for dracob?