You know that "yo" is both a greeting of hello and a potential message to "step off."You know what a "jawn" is.You've described someone you've dated as a "jawn."You've described yourself as a "jawn."The phrase "ja-eet" makes perfect sense to you and you've used it in the past month.Ditto "downtheshore."You know summer officially starts when Rita's Water Ice opens.You pronounce it "wooderice."You know the only real pretzels are the ones from the place on 8th and Washington.You know what a Mummer is.You've been a Mummer.You've made out with a Mummer in a stranger's living room on 2 Street.You know that it's called 2 Street, not 2nd Street on New Year's Day.And you've probably walked into a stranger's house to pee, or drink their beer, at least a couple of times during 2 Street celebrations.You've done the Mummer's strut.You know the difference between Fancies and Comics.Sometimes you have a craving that only a butterscotch krimpet will satisfy.You consider Hall & Oates a national treasure.Ditto for Kenny Gamble.You know somebody's aunt who once made out with Darryl Hall.You still miss the Spectrum.You remember going to shows at the Killtime and Stalag 13.You remember going to shows at JC Dobbs.You bragged to your friends about seeing ?uestlove at Black Lily.You used to go-go dance at Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control.You know real celebrities in Philly are people like the Philly Phanatic.You've spent many hours of your life contemplating what the Phanatic actually is.You understand why there needed to be an Eagles stadium jail.You've actually spent some time in the Eagles stadium jail.You got teary when Harry Kalas died.And when we lost Gary Papa.The KYW News typewriter background sound will always reminded you of snow days.You spent some of your favorite snow days in city-wide snowball fights in Rittenhouse Park.You once lived on or had a friend who lived the garden block in "The Sixth Sense."Your apartment can be seen in the background of an M. Night Shyamalan movie.You've seen "Trading Places" and "Mannequin" more times than you can count — just because they take place in Philly.You've climbed the Philadelphia Art Museum "Rocky" steps.You've laughed at tourists climbing the Philadelphia Art Museum "Rocky" steps.You've often thought the Christopher Columbus monument at Penn's Landing looked super phallic.You've gone to the LIberty Bell.You've thought about visiting the Liberty Bell but, uh, never actually gotten around to it.You know that neither Pats nor Geno's actually makes the best cheesesteak in the city.And you know which one is the racist one.You understand fall is signified by the return of the pumpkin pie Tastycake.You know that the proper name for a large sandwich with meats and cheeses is a hoagie.You believe that the best Wawa ad ever was the one with Ed Rendell eating a hoagie.You have a fierce loyalty to your favorite hoagie place, and anyone who has a different favorite is a moron.You know to ask for your cheesesteak "wiz wit."You call 'em "jimmies" not "sprinkles."You've booed a Philadelphia sports team that you allegedly supportBut also beat up a fellow Philadelphia sports team supporter for booing your team.You've rioted when a Philly sports team lost.You've rioted when a Philly sports team won.You've met Fergie and he still remembers your name.You parkoured your way through a trip to the khyber restroom.You remember Diplo when he was just one of the Hollertronix DJs.You've been to the Ukie club.And the Ruba (when you probably should have gone home).You begged your mom to let you buy some purple manic panic from ZipperheadYou shouted "anarchy" at the Philly Pizza Company just like in the Dead Milkmen song.You've been personally irritated by the Duck Boat.You know the proper way to pronounce Schuylkill.You know what Schuylkill punch is.But you've never had to drink it (thank God).You will always defend Allen Iverson, no matter what he does.You regularly park in the middle of Broad Street.You love freaking out tourists by taking them to the Mutter Museum.You generally scoff at all Penn kids but think Temple kids are aight.You or someone you know once got their bike wheel trapped in the trolley tracks.You've eaten scrapple and you'd probably do it againSepta unreliability has almost gotten you fired.You've tried to get someone at Septa fired.You've definitely had a Septa bus drive by you for NO GOOD REASON.You've dropped so many prepositions their use now confuses you.You've had a drunk slice or two at Lorenzo's.But you know that real pizza wolves go to Lazaro's.You can't help but hum along to Elton John's "Philadelphia Freedom."And Bruce Springsteen's "Philadelphia."You know when somebody says "lager" they mean Yuengling.You've attended a beef and beer.You lived or grew up in a row house.You remember watching the MOVE bombings on TV.You were taught how to street fight by your parents.You've had a number of personal DJ Jazzy Jeff sightings.You hate it when people try and compare Philly to New York, and will defend your city to the death.Because the truth is, as much as it drives you crazy sometimes, there's no place else in the world you'd rather live.
How Philadelphia Are You?
Philly Baby Yo, do you even know what a jawn is, jawn? You're not a Philly person, but that's cool. Go get a hoag and a Coke, and try this checklist again.
Philadelphia Jawn Not bad, not bad. You know your jimmies from your sprinkles, your Pat's from your Geno's. Maybe you haven't been a Mummer (yet), but you've shown a steadfast dedication to the City of Brotherly Love, and for that, we'd happily buy you a slice at Lorenzo's.
Philadelphia Phanatic Congratulations! You are the real deal — a seriously dedicated Philadelphian with real dedication to the Philly lifestyle. Now go treat yourself to some scrapple, why don't you?