21 Gifts Every Thirtysomething REALLY Wants

Hi Santa please obliterate Sallie Mae forever OK thanks.

1. Red wine that magically doesn’t cause hangovers.

2. Wedding invites that don’t require you to buy a plane ticket.

3. Drive-through, 30-minute tattoo removal.

4. A dating website that comes with warning labels on people who are crazy.

5. The ability to stay out past 10 p.m. without constantly feeling like you’d rather be in bed.

6. A method of buying a house that doesn’t crush your soul and spirit and dreams and bank account.

7. A law making it illegal to not have seating at a concert.

8. A French press that cleans itself.

9. Pizza that doesn’t give you heartburn.

10. A Star Wars-like force that makes everyone say exactly what’s on their minds: all honesty, no meaningless niceties.

11. Furniture that’s not from Ikea but doesn’t cost ONE HUNDRED GAZILLION DOLLARS.

12. The superpower to eat junk food and not immediately grow a new chin.

14. The ability to sleep in past 9 a.m. on the weekends.

Or 6 a.m. if you have kids.

15. Shoes that are comfortable but still don’t look like this:

16. A magic pill to make you feel better about the fact that you’ve been paying your student loans for 10 years and have barely made a dent.

17. Kids who want to take their naps.

Because years from now, sweet children, you will understand the overwhelming amazingness of getting to take an effing nap.

18. An instant wrinkle zapper that comes with a Valium for when you spot your first crow’s foot.

20. EVERYTHING to be made of Tempur-pedic.

21. Bouncers who always card you. Sincerely.

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