I Watched The "Married At First Sight" Premiere And Had A Lot Of Thoughts
It's just like The Bachelor, except with a more couples and way less candles.
1. My favourite thing about Married At First Sight is the way it pretends to be a Very Important social experiment. Bruh, you’re fooling less people than Donald Trump’s hair. Just own the fact you’re a reality show.
2. Love the echoey voiceovers. It really ads to the ~science~ mood.
3. Audition tapes! How AUTHENTIC.
4. There are 4.3 million Aussies looking for a partner and I can’t even get a guy to text back.
5. Look, I adore Zoe and Alex but they don’t exactly prove this thing works. At this rate, they’re looking like a bit of a fluke.
6. “I feel complete. I feel home.” MY FEELINGS.
7. THE BABY. THE ADORABLE BABY.
8. GIVE THIS FAMILY THEIR OWN SHOW.
9. The way they get the contestants to smell each other’s sweaty clothes is really weird.
10. How much leeway do they actually have to set people up as opposed to, you know, just finding enough willing participants?
11. “The number of singles in Australia continues to rise.” You make it sound like it’s a venereal disease.
12. TEN MARRIAGES. Holy shit. Maybe there are plenty of willing participants. Are they hoping to increase their odds of success?
13. Wait, they’re all living together? Isn’t the whole point of this ~experiment~ to live like an actual married couple? What is this, Big Brother?
14. They’re doing home stays? What is this, Farmer Wants a Wife?
15. And confronting the in-laws? What is this, The Bachelor?
16. OMG a cocktail party! Yep, this is definitely The Bachelor, except with a shittier house and slightly less candles.
17. Drink every time someone says “leap of faith”
18. Come on, this isn’t about a support network. You just want the drama! (Same tbh.)
19. I’m glad we don’t have to watch the whole fake “surprise family, I’m getting married, aren’t you shocked even though there are clearly cameras here for a reason haha this is so REAL!”
20. Old mate getting emotional about his daughters is going to make me cry.
21. “I’ve never cried before in my life, mate.” BLESS HIM, PROTECT HIM AT ALL COSTS.
22. I’m guessing Deborah is for old mate. She’s… interesting.
23. “I know I'm very picky with what the woman I'm with looks like. I like to see everything perfect.” Fuck off mate.
24. Honestly if he says “being an entrepreneur” one more time I’m going to need more wine.
25. “I have 100% trust in the experts.” Have they seen this show though?
26. The cowboy! Wow. Just wow.
27. Does this muscles guy have fun? Like, does he eat pizza? THAT’S IMPORTANT.
28. TWINS! Will they do a Logan-type experiment?! That would really elevate this whole thing.
29. …Are they gonna marry one guy?
30. This girl is freaking out over there being HOT TWINS like she’s competing with them. Hon, no matter how hard they try, this ain’t The Bachelor.
31. Although I was legit waiting for Osher to walk in just then.
32. They’re having buck’s and hen’s nights, so they can all be really hungover when they meet their spouses for the first time at their weddings.
33. “I definitely don’t want someone who’s taller than me.” I definitely hope they pair Being An Entrepreneur with someone who is much taller than him.
34. “Good teeth, nice smile, little ears.” What a shopping list.
35. “Don’t do protein farts around me.” OMG I love this girl.
36. HE’S A STRIPPER. Should’ve held out for The Bachelor mate.
37. I’m screaming.
38. “What if one of youse is more attracted to someone else’s missus?” Ah, the dulcet tones of the Aussie male.
39. The twins are already causing drama. Poor Cheryl.
40. Yep, great “support network”, experts.
41. This cowboy talking about his loneliness and the pressure men face not to be emotional – and then showing his emotions - is actually so important.
42. Oh, they’re pairing the two people who work on the mines! It feels kinda obvious? But the music is making me believe it’ll work.
43. “The most important person in my life… definitely myself.” I HATE JONATHAN.
44. He mentioned being an entrepreneur again! Drink!
45. What is he even an entrepreneur of?!
46. “He rated everyone a no.” UGH.
47. Poor Cheryl.
48. Oh damn. They’re doing the fake family surprise announcement after all.
49. Scottish Dad Hamish is not into it. I can’t wait to see him give Jonathan hell.
50. “Being an entrepreneur.” DRINK.
51. HAMISH HAS A KNIFE. Or rather a dirk. I’ve watched Outlander.
52. “Being an entrepreneur.” Oh god my liver.
53. She is taller than him! YES!
54. Oh, bless these cowboys and their discomfort in the big concrete city.
55. “Wrangler butts drive the girls nuts” is the quote of the episode.
56. Are they gonna wear those hats at the wedding?!
57. Oh. Yes.
58. Hamish is tearing Jonathan apart and he hasn’t even met him yet.
59. “Oh my god he’s so little.” Haha. Hahahaha.
60. “Just run.” HAMISH.
61. Of course superficial Jonathan is happy. Just wait til he realises she’s not wearing heels.
62. It’s so awkward watching them walk up the aisle with obviously no music.
63. I mean, everything about this is awkward, but still.
64. They aren’t even trying to take this seriously, hey.
65. Cheryl has verbal diarrhoea and can’t stop talking about how small Jonathan is. He would be hating this and I love it.
66. That kiss was so awkward. I am cringing all over.
67. Where’s the cowboy?! They’re making it look like he hasn’t shown up but I bet he’s gonna ride in on a horse.
68. “Are you the groom?” AWKWARD.
69. I KNEW IT. HE’S ON A HORSE.
70. TAKE YOUR HAT OFF TO GET MARRIED, SIR.
71. “He’s perfect.” “She’s everything a man could ask for.”
72. SHE’S INTO HIM. HE’S INTO HER. AHHHH.
73. MY HEART. I SHIP IT!
74. I can’t stop grinning. I was not expecting this.
75. “I see these vows not as promises, but privileges.” THIS GUY.
76. He promises to go out to get ice cream in the middle of the night. Can I marry him?
77. Her friend has a good feeling about this. SAME, GIRL. Same.
78. He’s warming her hands!
79. I’ve just turned into the heart eyes emoji IRL.
80. This celebrant is so enthusiastic.
81. WHAT A KISS!
82. If these two don’t last I’m going to be so upset.
83. Ah yes, the traditional bridal photoshoot with the person you’ve just met.
84. Cheryl is already so annoyed with Jonathan. Haha. Hahaha.
85. “I’m so over this.” “Mmm.” That chemistry.
86. Meanwhile, Sean and Susan aren’t even awkard in these photos, THEY ARE SO CUTE.
87. Oh no, they live on opposite sides of the country.
88. But they want to work it out! Already! They want to kiss! He got horse hair out of her lipstick!
89. I’M CRYING.
90. Hamish is absolutely grilling Jonathan. It's great.
91. “I want to make him squirm.” I think that’s working for you, Hamish.
92. “This is gonna be a shitshow.” OK Jonathan why are you saying that at your own wedding to a person you just met? What’s the deal with that blonde chick?!
93. SEAN’S DAD IS GETTING SO EMOTIONAL BECAUSE HE LOVES HIM AND IS SO PROUD OF HIM AND IT’S TOO PRECIOUS AND PURE FOR THIS WORLD.
94. I’m so here for these blokey men getting emotional and expressing love and being supportive of each other and being so full of pride while they do it.
95. OK, so this Emma girl is totally in love with Jonathan right?
96. “I don’t think she’s the person for Jon because the person for Jon is…” Just say “me”, Emma, we know that’s what you want to say.
97. Hamish is now grilling Jonathan in front of EVERYONE and it’s the best.
98. Meanwhile someone is literally holding Emma’s hand like this is a horrible ordeal she has to endure and I NEED TO KNOW THE BACKSTORY.
99. SHE’S CRYING.
100. Hamish has endorsed Jonathan. Wow.
101. Emma is so pissed.
102. OMG Cheryl’s sister overheard Emma bitching and now SHE’S pissed.
103. SO MUCH DRAMA. YES.
104. Cheryl is like, what have I gotten myself into?!
105. Jonathan has no idea what is going on and NEITHER DO I.
106. Except I know one thing: JONATHAN SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
107. I’m glad he’s backing Cheryl. That’s the first likable thing he’s done.
108. OK the fact both of them are like “whatever, let’s move on” is great.
109. Maybe they are a good match? They’re getting into it now. Even Hamish is into it.
110. Susan and Sean’s first dance is enough to tell me this is TRUE LOVE.
111. THOSE KISSES!
112. “You may kiss the bride.” Get it Susan.
113. THEY’RE GETTING INTO A BUBBLE BATH TOGETHER. YOU GUYS.
114. Wait, is there only going to be two weddings an episode?
115. I need more now.